Craziest Lanye Stories

Here’s mine…

CBD. Luthuli

It’s 2007 nimepata letter ya uni (not to be named)… Just from picking it from the unnamed uni.
Nlikuwa na kaloose 200 nikaingia that place lanyes separated themselves with bedsheets/curtains… A shot was 100. Forgetting the name.

I’d go there when I was in town and needed to burst a but. Never had the same lanye twice.
I went like two floors up and this Ethiopian convinced me to go with her… Nikikula vitu, simu ikatolewa kwa trouser, it was up to my knees.
I was so pissed but I was back then a skinny little boy and when I tried to raise drama they ganged up on me and threatened to strip me and kick me out.

Feeling defeated nikatoka… Walked out and got into a supermarket around Umo mats…
Dunno what I was going to buy but the rage had me buy a knife and go back for my phone.
This is all in the afternoon, around 3-4pm…
I walked up the stairs to the brothel and revealed the knife vile nlifika the floor I had slices…
Whole place went mad… The Lanye’s screamed and run and locked themselves into their rooms…

I asked for my phone and they all denied and continued screaming…

Lucky/Unlucky for me, cops had come to collect ushuru or were attracted by the pandemonium… I dunno… I tried throwing away the blade but some lanye saw it and told the cops…
Kijana was handcuffed and slapped severally…
All the while I maintained a calm demeanor hadi they asked what’s wrong…
I made up a story about the phone being my old man’s, and I’d gone out with it just coz I had to get the uni docs… Showed them those too.
They talked to the lanye and I got back my phone.

One of the cops was from our side of the bundus, so tukaongea mother tongue.
We left the place nikiwa handcuffed and a crowd had gathered outside but gladly no news people yet and this was before decent phone cameras were all over.

Never set foot there again



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ulikua JKUAT bwana na ushai tuchapia hii story


Ati ukatolea lanye kisu? Kwenda kabisa hizo clubs zimejaa majambazi and bouncers hao madem wakipiga nehru utavamiwa na uchapwe? I once saw a guy who was roughed up kwa sababu ya ten bob, kwa hivyo usitudanganye, na hio club ulikuwa ni Three Eden, na hukajawaji kuwa na Ethiopians wengi wako Hurligham na gill house kitambo. Shame on you for lying to us.


I got myself a lanye number from Nairobihot. I was in Nyeri then… I don’t know whether I was lucky or that is how they operate, but I got myself a quality 3 some for 1500… Now I had the number of the lanye who arranged all this. I knew every time I was in Nyeri I would be sorted. How wrong I was!!
Another day when I was in Nyeri I called the number, it was received and the lady on the other side akaniambia walifukuzwa ile brothel ingine but naeza mpata Maru C… If you know nyeri you know that chain of brothels. Maru A, B and C. I went there and upon kuingia room.I found a whole new girl… Thus is not the 3 some girl!!! I digress… Nunu is nunu… I couldn’t be wronger*. Sema nunu kunuka, sema cold thighs, sema that uninterested look. Sema kupewa BJ condom ikiwa on. I almost got saved and gave myself to christ after that ordeal. I didn’t even burst a nut. And that borehole was wide… Very wide… Note, I rarely complain about width… I am well endowed, ok I am somehow not small down there… Hiyo thao iliniuma kama kidonda.

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I have two

One happened in 2013.

I was fresh from high school. Waiting for the results to be announced. Those times results used to announced around March unlike nowadays when they are announced in December. I was full of testerone. I had passed so I decided to award myself with a good nut since I used to go town everyday I decided to go to Rico pub and auench my thirst. Took this light skin hooker with a big ass. Paid her and then settled down for work. After pumping three times she then says ‘Hayaa maliza’ I was like what the fuck is this. 3 pumbs is like 3 seconds. How can you come in 3 seconds? That is when I realized that women say the truth when they say kenyan men dont know anything in the bedroom. I just ignored and continued ‘maliza ama uongeze pesa’ I swear I got mad. She then shouted ‘uuuui’ in seconds other lanyes joined in and asked ‘nini mbaya’ ‘wewe usituulie mwenzetu’ ‘Mary condom imeburst’…Needless to say I went home without nutting. Felt like i lost my money

The other was in 2016

It was in Kisii. For those who have been to Kisii theres a place called Kawanjii. During the day its a good place with many business. But at dark it turns to a sin city. Went there took a langa and got down to business. The bad thing with this langa is that after every pumb she would tell me to stop and have a look if the condom burst ati ‘hebu nione kama cd imeburst’ it bored me that I ended up cumming outside. I didnt get to feel the sweetness of cumming while inside.

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Any effidence?..picha ya lanye wakipiga nduru


I once did a lanye in an abandoned kiosk in Embu town. It was awesome doing it while peeking out of the top and seeing people walking about. I understand why people wank in public.


Tall tales by @tall mnyama everywhere

so nilikuwa nimetoka a failed interview for a job so i was feeling hopeless… naturally nikasema acha nitoe stress na pokoste…i had heard about mlolongo’s reputation so i found myself there… nikaanza kupiga maroundi uko coz i also like walking to clear my mind… i found myself in one of those vichochoro and saw a lanye sitting outside her keja… it was a kind of lonely neighbourhood…so i go up to her and ask her if she sells and for how much… she says yes at 150/= then proceeds to lead me to her room… as i was entering the room i saw another woman walk into another room after seeing us… but i just ignored her… so we get into the room with the lanye, start getting cozy and undress… the second my pants were off i hear a knock on the door… my heart skipped a bit… i started asking her what was wrong but she told me to calm down as she went to open it stark naked… she opened it a little, had a small talk with them then suddenly let them in… it was two other lanyes… when i saw them my mind was like, “hii either ni foursome napewa ama ni kuibiwa naibiwa”…foursome kitu gani… the lanyes started asking for room fees of 200ksh…nikawaambia sawa as i reached for my trouser to get the cash since i did not know what to do and i was confused… but they suddenly begun grabbing the trouser and my stuff claiming that i wanted to run away… i thought they wanted to steal everything so i begun to fight back… mvutano ukaanza apo… one aganist three… they grab my stuff but i try to grab them back from them… mmoja akaona niko relentless akatoa shuka akanieka chock hold na shuka while pulling me back… so i had to multitask, one hand trying to grab my stuff back from two lanyes and the other trying to prevent the shuka from choking me… uyo wa shuka akaona it’s futile… akaachana nayo akaenda full on chock hold na mkono… but i still fought back… mvutano ulilast for like ten minutes… finally one of them akaona nimekuwa too much and since i was naked she went for the dck… the moment i felt my dck touched nikatii amri… i stopped struggling and sat meekly on the bed nikawaacha waendele kusorora… that is when they explained to me that they were only after money… they did not have interest in anything else… uzuri i only had 700ksh in my pocket…which walikuwa washaiba wakati wa mvutano… since nilikosa io 200 (which they had obviously stolen) ya rent wakachukua simu wakanithreaten nitume na mpesa and they insisted watatuma wenyewe… so they did the transaction and all i did was input the pin…they deleted the mpesa message… . i later came to realize kumbe the lanye had herself sent one thousand shillings…after that they left me with the original lanye in the room



Hii hekaya ilikuwa ya @Sonic51


Hizi storo ni repeats 75%. Kueni authentic mafala

That’s the problem badala ya watu kuandakia hekaya they just fill a thread with stupid emojis unapata page tano ni smiley faces na ujinga

Anything pertaining to lanye and brothels I always take your word as gospel truth.

Andika yako

This story is originally by @chap

I came to Nairobi in the start of 2015, I had just graduated with a diploma from one of the institutions in my home county. Early in December 2014 I was interviewed for some sales job in Nairobi and I was lucky to be among the chosen few. January that year 2013 I was reporting to my new job and I had to stay with my Aunt for a while before deciding to move out.

My Aunt was staying in South C and I have to say that she and her husband were kind to me, together with her two children. So come January I started my new sales job for a Mombasa road based company. I never spent much on fare and sometimes jioni I would just walk from work to home. Things were moving on well, I enjoyed quality meals at my aunts’ place, hot shower, big bed 6*6. She never even asked me to contribute anything since they had more than enough.

Early that year before leaving my home county I also broke up with my village girl knowing that I was coming to the city and I stood a chance of meeting high class Nairobi chicks from South C. I have to admit kukatia hawa madem wa South C was not easy at first, they were flashy, they had big samsung phones, beautiful scent, and most of them were driving these small vehicles that zinafanana na kiatu ya mtoi (vitz)

Saturdays I was not going to work and I used to get bored especially when there was no Arsenal game. I used to go to town and hang hapo National Archives watching how Nairobians behave. One day I was in town and nilikuwa nikizurura only to find myself in river road, I hated the environment and decide to walk again toward Moi Avenue. I used Luthuli Avenue to go back. While walking along Luthuli, I saw some board that read “Kitale Hotel and Accommodation” I thought it was for those travelling to Kitale, where they could book for vehicles and eat meals.

I decided to climb that stairs going upwards with the intention to maybe drink chai na samosa because I was feeling hungry. kulikuwa na Soldier hapo and he frisked me before entering. On entering, what I saw almost scared me to death, there was a parade of women and four of them jumped to me saying “twende shot”, I got confused and started breathing heavily. One of them pressed herself hard on me and at that point mboro was bulging vinoma. I told them to excuse me to drink before coming back but she told me “ukikunywa mboro itashindwa kusmama, twende shot kwanza, ni soo mbili tu na room ni 150”

I finally managed to shrug her off and enter the room. Inside the room was full of guys drinking Tusker, chewing miraa, and smoking, most of them relaxing with mapoko. Then waiter aka come and I ordered for Tusker baridi. Inside there, I had positioned myself where I could view those pokos along the corridor. There was one who caught my attention, she was short, brown, mwili ndogo, and figure 8, alikuwa amevaa nguo ya Man U AON, she was also quiet, and I said quietly to myself that If I have to *** today, then it is this one.

It was getting late and had to return to my Aunt’s place before 7PM, so after finishing my bottle of Tusker I walked to the loo to pee, on my way out to my amazement this figure 8 lady wispered to my ears “twende shot”, I agreed and tukapanda stairs after paying for the room hapo kwa counter na kupewa tissue na CD… Hiyo nyap ilikuwa tamu sana. With time I continued to visit hizo base, sometimes nigeenda Rico ama Amar until I stopped after finding a girlfriend hapo South C

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Bado sijapata balaa na lanye