Craziest Lanye Stories

[chap]

@tall mnyama everywhere

Hii hekaya ilikuwa ya @Sonic51

True and I remember it was posted on Hekaya, @Starscream is a fraudster

[Chimoni]

Mine was just juzi juzi, nimepata msichana petite pale tagged nikaita kejani. Agrees price 2k.

Msichana hakuwa mbaya vile though too thin for my liking but tulisema shimo mbaya ni ya nyoka tu.

While conversing I noticed mdomo inanuka. Ah, nothing a bottle of Vat 69 can’t take care of.

Blunder begun when tulifika bed. As a rule I don’t foreplay if I’m paying… Lube always on the ready.

Sasa dame anachukua stick vizuri complete with the waist whining and soft luo mourns.

Ikabamba sana dame akaamua ni squirting sasa. Watu wangu ile harufu ilitoka humo ndanio_Oo_Oo_O.

Now sheets are a mess!! Nyumba inanuka kama fish market saa saba!

Mind you it’s kitu 12AM so lazima tulale hapo. Longest night, changed the sheets but bado. The stench had sipped through the duvet hadi kwa mattress.

Alafu morning dame anadai morning glory. Abdalla for the first time alikataa kusimama, ndio nilijua ata ancestors are disappointed!!

Alitoka kejani kitu later in the day and has tried to come for a rematch but ain’t nobody got time!!!

I came to the conclusion that the chick must have had an abo*rtion hivi karibuni and thus the pungent smell.

[chap]

@Starscream

This story is originally by @chap

I came to Nairobi in the start of 2015, I had just graduated with a diploma from one of the institutions in my home county. Early in December 2014 I was interviewed for some sales job in Nairobi and I was lucky to be among the chosen few. January that year 2013 I was reporting to my new job and I had to stay with my Aunt for a while before deciding to move out.

My Aunt was staying in South C and I have to say that she and her husband were kind to me, together with her two children. So come January I started my new sales job for a Mombasa road based company. I never spent much on fare and sometimes jioni I would just walk from work to home. Things were moving on well, I enjoyed quality meals at my aunts’ place, hot shower, big bed 6*6. She never even asked me to contribute anything since they had more than enough.

Early that year before leaving my home county I also broke up with my village girl knowing that I was coming to the city and I stood a chance of meeting high class Nairobi chicks from South C. I have to admit kukatia hawa madem wa South C was not easy at first, they were flashy, they had big samsung phones, beautiful scent, and most of them were driving these small vehicles that zinafanana na kiatu ya mtoi (vitz)

Saturdays I was not going to work and I used to get bored especially when there was no Arsenal game. I used to go to town and hang hapo National Archives watching how Nairobians behave. One day I was in town and nilikuwa nikizurura only to find myself in river road, I hated the environment and decide to walk again toward Moi Avenue. I used Luthuli Avenue to go back. While walking along Luthuli, I saw some board that read “Kitale Hotel and Accommodation” I thought it was for those travelling to Kitale, where they could book for vehicles and eat meals.

I decided to climb that stairs going upwards with the intention to maybe drink chai na samosa because I was feeling hungry. kulikuwa na Soldier hapo and he frisked me before entering. On entering, what I saw almost scared me to death, there was a parade of women and four of them jumped to me saying “twende shot”, I got confused and started breathing heavily. One of them pressed herself hard on me and at that point mboro was bulging vinoma. I told them to excuse me to drink before coming back but she told me “ukikunywa mboro itashindwa kusmama, twende shot kwanza, ni soo mbili tu na room ni 150”

I finally managed to shrug her off and enter the room. Inside the room was full of guys drinking Tusker, chewing miraa, and smoking, most of them relaxing with mapoko. Then waiter aka come and I ordered for Tusker baridi. Inside there, I had positioned myself where I could view those pokos along the corridor. There was one who caught my attention, she was short, brown, mwili ndogo, and figure 8, alikuwa amevaa nguo ya Man U AON, she was also quiet, and I said quietly to myself that If I have to *** today, then it is this one.

It was getting late and had to return to my Aunt’s place before 7PM, so after finishing my bottle of Tusker I walked to the loo to pee, on my way out to my amazement this figure 8 lady wispered to my ears “twende shot”, I agreed and tukapanda stairs after paying for the room hapo kwa counter na kupewa tissue na CD… Hiyo nyap ilikuwa tamu sana. With time I continued to visit hizo base, sometimes nigeenda Rico ama Amar until I stopped after finding a girlfriend hapo South C

Huyo girlfriend ni bibi saa hii, chunga usinivunjie ndoa, hii hekaya umenitaja nayo ovyo ovyo on lanye threads

[chap]

@Chimoni

Mine was just juzi juzi, nimepata msichana petite pale tagged nikaita kejani. Agrees price 2k.

Msichana hakuwa mbaya vile though too thin for my liking but tulisema shimo mbaya ni ya nyoka tu.

While conversing I noticed mdomo inanuka. Ah, nothing a bottle of Vat 69 can’t take care of.

Blunder begun when tulifika bed. As a rule I don’t foreplay if I’m paying… Lube always on the ready.

Sasa dame anachukua stick vizuri complete with the waist whining and soft luo mourns.

Ikabamba sana dame akaamua ni squirting sasa. Watu wangu ile harufu ilitoka humo ndanio_Oo_Oo_O.

Now sheets are a mess!! Nyumba inanuka kama fish market saa saba!

Mind you it’s kitu 12AM so lazima tulale hapo. Longest night, changed the sheets but bado. The stench had sipped through the duvet hadi kwa mattress.

Alafu morning dame anadai morning glory. Abdalla for the first time alikataa kusimama, ndio nilijua ata ancestors are disappointed!!

Alitoka kejani kitu later in the day and has tried to come for a rematch but ain’t nobody got time!!!

I came to the conclusion that the chick must have had an abo*rtion hivi karibuni and thus the pungent smell.

Hii ni laana mjamaa, hama hiyo nyumba and overhaul your beddings

[Lerionka]

@Dayv

I got myself a lanye number from Nairobihot. I was in Nyeri then… I don’t know whether I was lucky or that is how they operate, but I got myself a quality 3 some for 1500… Now I had the number of the lanye who arranged all this. I knew every time I was in Nyeri I would be sorted. How wrong I was!!
Another day when I was in Nyeri I called the number, it was received and the lady on the other side akaniambia walifukuzwa ile brothel ingine but naeza mpata Maru C… If you know nyeri you know that chain of brothels. Maru A, B and C. I went there and upon kuingia room.I found a whole new girl… Thus is not the 3 some girl!!! I digress… Nunu is nunu… I couldn’t be wronger*. Sema nunu kunuka, sema cold thighs, sema that uninterested look. Sema kupewa BJ condom ikiwa on. I almost got saved and gave myself to christ after that ordeal. I didn’t even burst a nut. And that borehole was wide… Very wide… Note, I rarely complain about width… I am well endowed, ok I am somehow not small down there… Hiyo thao iliniuma kama kidonda.

So, we get to heaven and Gabriel is holding a screenshot of this testimony :D:D:D
Hao walikuwa wa Spinners Hapo stage ya Nai. Ndio wanakuwanga hivo

[Starscream]

@chap

True and I remember it was posted on Hekaya, @Starscream is a fraudster

Chap wacha hizo

[Lerionka]

@Chimoni

Mine was just juzi juzi, nimepata msichana petite pale tagged nikaita kejani. Agrees price 2k.

Msichana hakuwa mbaya vile though too thin for my liking but tulisema shimo mbaya ni ya nyoka tu.

While conversing I noticed mdomo inanuka. Ah, nothing a bottle of Vat 69 can’t take care of.

Blunder begun when tulifika bed. As a rule I don’t foreplay if I’m paying… Lube always on the ready.

Sasa dame anachukua stick vizuri complete with the waist whining and soft luo mourns.

Ikabamba sana dame akaamua ni squirting sasa. Watu wangu ile harufu ilitoka humo ndanio_Oo_Oo_O.

Now sheets are a mess!! Nyumba inanuka kama fish market saa saba!

Mind you it’s kitu 12AM so lazima tulale hapo. Longest night, changed the sheets but bado. The stench had sipped through the duvet hadi kwa mattress.

Alafu morning dame anadai morning glory. Abdalla for the first time alikataa kusimama, ndio nilijua ata ancestors are disappointed!!

Alitoka kejani kitu later in the day and has tried to come for a rematch but ain’t nobody got time!!!

I came to the conclusion that the chick must have had an abo*rtion hivi karibuni and thus the pungent smell.

Damn

[Dayv]

@Lerionka

So, we get to heaven and Gabriel is holding a screenshot of this testimony :D:D:D
Hao walikuwa wa Spinners Hapo stage ya Nai. Ndio wanakuwanga hivo

Heheh… Spinners, mukaro and now club 21… They are just on point.

[Lerionka]

@Dayv

Heheh… Spinners, mukaro and now club 21… They are just on point.

Native :D:D:D:D

[Chimoni]

@chap

Hii ni laana mjamaa, hama hiyo nyumba and overhaul your beddings

Nothing a thorough cleaning can’t take care of…

[Dayv]

@Lerionka

Native :D:D:D:D

Quite the opposite… But I find myself in Nyeri often on job related trips.

[Tarantinoh]

Cunt relate, I got a girlfriend before I knew pvssy and was a shy teenager.

[epoch]

@Bl3ze

ulikua JKUAT bwana na ushai tuchapia hii story

Unaharibu

[Starscream]

Kuna siku niliibiwa 10K na 2 pokos kwa room in river road,… Kuna siku niliibiwa laptop na phone na poko ya kwa keja, Kuna siku I had to pay alot of money pale whitesands Mombasa juu ya kuingiza poko kwa room- Don’t know how they found out

[Tarantinoh]

@Starscream

Kuna siku niliibiwa 10K na 2 pokos kwa room in river road,… Kuna siku niliibiwa laptop na phone na poko ya kwa keja, Kuna siku I had to pay alot of money pale whitesands Mombasa juu ya kuingiza poko kwa room- Don’t know how they found out

Buda boss umepitia Life.

[Mizizii]

@tall mnyama everywhere

I have two

One happened in 2013.

they are announced in December. I was full of testerone. I had passed so I decided to award myself with a good nut since I used to go town everyday I three times she then says ‘Hayaa maliza’ I was like what the f**k is this. 3 pumbs is like 3 seconds. How can you come in 3 seconds? That is when I to a sin city. Went there took a langa and got down to business. The bad thing with this langa is that after every pumb she would tell me to stop and have .

???

[Starscream]

@Mizizii

???

@tall mnyama everywhere is a dumb beast

[Pastorde]

@YvestiKKKa

Nikikula vitu, simu ikatolewa kwa trouser, it was up to my knees.

This used to be the script…ukianza kukula vitu, and she notices now your small mind is fully involved she would tell you “weka miguu straight ndio iingie yote”…kumbe that was the signal to the other lanye on the other side of the bedsheet that your pockets were ready for emptying. Hapo pa unataka iingie yote ndipo ulikuwa unaona moto.

Lost my wallet the second time I went there (I was lucky the first time when she told me to put my legs straight niliguza huyo lanye wa kuiba na mguu na nikashtuka, but akazusha ati nyinyi muache kunikanyanga hata kama mnatombana), the third time I lost money (kama nimeweka kwa kapocket kale kadogo ka jeans ka hapa mbele - greeks call it kaba ngue)so the fourth time I didnt go with my wallet and any extra money coz I thought they were only interested in the wallets, so I lost my phone. Kuanzia hapo I would leave everything at a friend’s place (he used to sell newspapers) and then go there na hiyo soo moja ya kukulana tu pekee. Many times nilikuwa napata pockets ziko inside out, wamekosa kitu ya kuiba. Thank God for his grace I quit that behaviour man. Jesus is wonderful!!!

[Big_Ben]

Nikiwa campus, kuna neighbour alileta lanye kejani usiku. Ahsubuhi aliamuka peke yake.
Kuangalia kejani, laptop, phones, money etc zimeibiwa.
Alafu alikuwa amemfungia ndani ya keja. Jamaa had to shout and scream to get people attention ndio wakate padlock na hacksaw.

[Pastorde]

@Starscream

Kuna siku niliibiwa 10K na 2 pokos kwa room in river road,… Kuna siku niliibiwa laptop na phone na poko ya kwa keja, Kuna siku I had to pay alot of money pale whitesands Mombasa juu ya kuingiza poko kwa room- Don’t know how they found out

Hahaha, almost got myself in the same spot. Some 2 years back nimeenda Diani, pale Leopard Beach Hotel. The client was catering for the flight and my accomodation since he wanted some stuff done and he was to make a killing out of it. I didnt have money on me, its those times, and client was to pay me a few days after coming back to Nairobi. So ikafika jioni, nikaachana na client after the meeting, nikapatana dinner time na a group that was there for a conference, very many young hot blooded chaps, usiku tukaenda out huko Ukunda. Nikajipatia mtu huko, but just before I sealed the deal one jamaa mentioned that he would have picked his but it would expose him coz its likely to be billed on their company, or would appear in the transactions even if he paid on the side. Hapo hata mimi nikawacha, otherwise when we were checking out I would be very embarrassed when the cashier brings the matter to the client as he cleared the bills. Dodged a bullet