Back when I was in uni 2nd year, I went for a whole year without seeing a naked woman because I made the cardinal sin of tuning two women who knew each other from psychology class.
How, you ask? Lemme back up.
Well, earlier that year my old man came across some kind of deal, and to celebrate the occasion, he gave me 70k (yes, Kshs 70,000 in cash to do whatever I wanted with it) In the late 2000s, that kind of money might as well have been Kshs 70 million coz g’damn.. it was a LOT of money.
Since this was the biggest windfall I’d ever received in my life at the time, and because I wasn’t even sure what to do with the money, I spent like three days counting out the notes on my bed.. taking photos of the cash, posting them on Twitter with tags like #blessed, #youngmoney and such kind of things. What can I say? I was 20 or 21.. it’s what you do at that age.
Since my brain couldn’t figure something out, I decided to think with my dick. First I deposited 50k pale coop bank ya Anniversary towers, leaving me with 20k to ‘upgrade’ my life.
First thing, dump my regular campus gf and get a new one.. a showstopper from Hall 14 aka ‘Box’. For those who understand campus romance, this was a big fucking mistake.. but well get to that later.
So I get the hottest, stingiest ass girl in all of main campus with the sole intention of being the guy who climbed mount everest.
Mistake #1:
For our first date, we went to Ranalo foods, which I figured would make a good impression. Dinner for 2 was like 3k, plus drinks at Mwendas was 2k. 5K down the drain and I didn’t even get a kiss.
Mistake #2:
A couple of days later, this stingy ass bitch calls me up and says, hey, let’s go see Ironman.. and like a fool, I agreed. Let’s meet on Friday. I buy the tickets at 3k. We go see the movie, and afterwards, my ass is dumped pale St. Pauls after a ‘see you in class’. 4k gone and I didn’t even make it up that shitty hill.
Mistake #3:
Word has now gotten around that kuna msee on campus with extra cash and no closing game. But mimi ni nani… sasa naenda Stella Awinja for some Swahili girl from my DCC unit. She invites me to her room, I oblige. She asks if I can get a cake from some shop on Biashara street. Aite, I still have a bit of cash in my pocket. On the material day, I’m walking around tao with that triangle box.. all the way to mamlaka road. Kuingia, nakutana na squadi ati sijui study group nyef nyef. The cake disappears and I get 1/16th of a cake I paid sijui 5.5k for.
By this time I’ve burned through nearly 20k in less than 2 weeks and my balls are just as navy blue now as they were before I started wasting money. The Swahili girl on her part, was actually a decent girl, but only believed in sex after marriage. Shiiii..miss me with that shit.. but OK, at least people will respect my ass for bagging a girl wearing a hijab. Wierd flex, but mwanaume ni effort.
Now here comes the real character development..
Elders know that dating a Muslim girl is a big no-no if you’re not a Muslim man.. but mimi ni nani. Tuzidi. Plus at least she’s a virgin.. and you never know. Maybe, I’ll get something outta this hopeless situation.
First forward 2 or 3 weeks later, I’m sitting for my DCC unit, nearly 1,000 students when i feel a tap on my shoulder.. it’s swahili girl and mount everest girl, both here to know what the hell I’m doing trying to play them against each other.. both of them start shouting at my black ass.. and I just sit there eating that shit, balls still blue as fuck for like 30 mins straight. The lecturer comes in and the words are still ringing in my ears.
I take the opportunity to leave, but right outside i find fucking Ali and sijui who else.. apparently I’m now in some bullshit clan war as this swahili girl has brought in reinforcements from South B or wherever. Nimeshikwa mashati hapo nje as the class inside continues.
They let me be after dire warnings to never talk to swahili girl ever again. I agreed. I’m not dealing with nywele makamasi again over non-existent punani.. ever.
AFTERMATH:
The story spreads through campus all the way from main to chiromo.. and no amount of money could wash away the stink of being slapped around like a kid at 3pm.
And that’s how I blew 20k in less than a month, for a grand total of zero action (not even the sight of a bra).
A TOTAL LOSS.
At least I still had 50k left, most which I wasted on drugs and an ill fated cement biz.. but that’s a hekaya for another day. To this day I’ll never forget that fucking joke of a semester. Washed rungu so much that year I got abrasions on my glans.
TLDR: Forget about Muslim women. Kaffirs should kaffir together bila sumbua.
