After my piss poor run with upgrading my campus girlfriend, nilikunja mkia and went back to her with navy blue balls and a brand new phone just to make sure she couldn’t resist my desperate ass.
It worked. By 8pm that night I was deep inside her birth canal releasing a year’s worth of spermatozoa, bone marrow and golgi bodies all within the first 90 seconds of penetration. Talk about premature ejaculation.
Now, some of the elders in here might think bribing a woman with a phone for sex is extravagant, but hey.. we still do it now, so let’s just say I was among the pioneers. And let’s also not forget that in those days, you could get a decent Nokia/Motorola/Samsung/Alcatel with a colour screen for 4,999/- pale Moi avenue.
The girl, let’s call her Njeri, ,because obviously she has a generic, hekaya friendly name, had hooked up with another guy, let’s call her ndirash (obviously) so there was clear evidence of beacon kusongeshwa. She begged me to keep things quiet, so I spent the rest of that semester smashing her in my comrade’s room pale Hall 11. Never in my room or hers. No more messing with Muslim girls.
We eventually became friends ndirash, coz he was actually a decent guy (at first).. he’s the one who brought up the bright idea of buying cement and shipping it to Juba to sell it at double the price. The idea was to buy it Kisumu, where cement prices, pack it up in a lorry, and then go sell it across the border at double the price. This was early 2012, there were lots of construction projects in South Sudan since they had just seceded from the North and it was quite peaceful. We actually found an ex-warlord who was willing to buy the entire stock from us (I think it was 2,000 bags).
Making deals with warlords should have been a red flag.. but Jack_Black ni nani? Kaende kaende.
We recruited two more people, one of whom was a lorry driver (ndirash was a businessman so he knew people).. and after calculating that this entire hairbrained enteprise would need about Kshs 1.3 million (yes, million), we decided kila mtu atoe 300k cash to fund this bullshit idea. We could bargain the last 100k, or so we thought. Mistake.
I still had half my mzee’s windfall, na helb walikuwa wamefanya ile stuff.. so I had about Kshs 95k cash at hand. The bank was willing to top up 100k so I had to figure out the 105k left. For this, I sold my desktop (30k), extra phones (20k) and borrowed the rest from friends. Another mistake.
Njeri and her boyfriend came up with 450k, and the lorry driver and his pal provided the lorry and fuel, and about 200k. I remember we were short kiasi coz we had to bargain downwards with the initial supplier.. who flatly refused and sent us to some backstreet guy in Nairobi with ‘slighlty expired’ stuff but would be repackaged into new bags with the expiration date altered. Huge mistake.
Everything sort of went to plan at first.. we got enough bags of cement to fill those medium size lorries (nobody counted since we figured the dere was a straightforward guy and he was the one doing the packing.. but it didn’t matter at the time coz, eh, we were about to double our money. The ex-warlord would pay in USD, so we had some wiggle room even if we were a few bags short. I can detect some elders laughing, but hey.. greed is greed.
The real problems started when on the day of sending the stuff over, the dere for the lorry shows up with a different configuration from before.. instead of a container as discussed, the guy shows up with an open top trailer decked out with those green tarpaulin covers. Me and Njeri immediately start complaining but ndirash says ni sawa.. and since I didn’t want to be busted, nikanyamazisha mcoosh. In hindsight, the guy probably knew, and this was payback.. but again @Jack_Black ni nani?
The guy leaves and says he’ll be back within a week, with our new riches. That’s the last time I saw that pos in person. From hapo ilikuwa ni hekaya bin hekaya. Kedo 10 days after departure, ndirash comes up to me pale CCU restaurant where I’m eating and sits down.. just the two of us.
‘Njeri is missing’.. he starts
‘Missing.. as in how? Ameshika ball yako.. nini??’ - I half joke
His face transforms into one that looks like he’s passing a kidney stone.
‘Form ya simiti inaendaje?’ - I quickly change the topic. The guy must be in Juba by now.. we should be swimming in money soon. That optimism could have stopped the war in Ukraine.
‘Dere alishikwa’ - ndirash says. ‘Hakuwa na paperwork complete.’
'So stuff iko wapi? - I say
‘Iko kwa makarao’.. the guy then shows me Nimbuzz chats with the guy. The guy has been in a shitty cell for 3 days and worse yet, I could see that tarpaulin leaning heavily downwards.. signs of waterlogging. On the roof. In a lorry with cement.
'So inakuwaje? - I ask.
'Wanadai 40k atoke, na another 40k tutoe gari.
None of us have that money, so we go to one of those loan shark places huko downtown, and after much bullshitting (we said we had a pending medical bill).. we get 50k.
Ndirash says atamanouvre from there. Gari inatoka, na dere, though shaken anaendeleza safari.
A week or so later, the bugger (driver) is back in civilization. He’s still shaken from his ordeal (I hear), but apparently, he successfully sold the cement and he’s sent ndirash his cut along with mine on Western Union.
‘So how much did we make?’ - I ask. Njeri is still missing
‘250k’
‘That’s not ba-’ I start.
‘Total’
‘WTF?’ - I end.
‘Apparently water seeped into the lorry, damaging half the cement bags. The ex-warlord paid $5,000 for the whole shipment’ (about 400k back then).
Kshs -650k for those who haven’t gone to wangapi threads by now.
‘Kwenda huko.. kwani unaniona mjinga???’
‘Walahi bro’
‘Ebu nipee simu yake’
I call the guy, and he repeats the same bullshit story.
‘Niekee kwa mpesa yangu mbwa hii.’
Niko na cash hapa.
And that’s how I graduated with Kshs -180k (excluding HELB) wadau.
A decade later, I saw her photo on Facebook selling this car.
Sent her a friend request, nikakula block.
Fucking shiney eyes.
Signed,
Previous hekaya
