...what would you do series continues - Part 2

Find the first part HERE
team anti-long reads here’s a summary I tailored just for you (vipi uwes?):
[li]Gilfriend brutally raped, girlfriend+family alienate bf for a fuc.kin year while his balls went from blue to navy blue to gas, gf fuc.ks random guy, bf FINALLY grows a pair and decides to leave, gf reaches out n squeezes those balls back to size, bf stays and it’s a happily-ever-after* yay![/li][/ul]
[INDENT][INDENT]Edit: a better summary i just found:
Original post: Guys gf gets raped. Gf’s family prevents guy from seeing her, eventually they have lunch after a few months. They only hold hands and she holds off his advances. Then a year after she was raped, she tells her bf that she slept with her co-worker. Her therapist said it’s okay because the gf was just ‘reclaiming her sexuality’ so it’s not ‘cheating’.[/INDENT][/INDENT]

[INDENT][INDENT]Guy decides to grow a pair and dump his fiance. Now to the update.

Guys sister and the sister of his gf show up at his apartment, cry and bully him into not dumping the cheating gf. Cheating gf shows up next day, now realizes she’s going to lose her doormat and gives him a pity fuck so that he’ll stay. Guy decides to take her back and sees himself married in a few years. Wow.[/INDENT][/INDENT]

Ctrl+C → Ctrl+V

First let me say that when I wrote my first post I was obviously in a very bad place. That night’s incident was very fresh on my mind and the pain I was feeling at that moment was more than I could handle. I typed that out, which was cathartic to me, then decided to crawl into a bottle of Jim Beam. I called in sick yesterday from work, which was not a lie as I had the hangover from hell and spent time alternating vomiting and laying with an ice bag on my head.

I finally opened up reddit last night and to say that I was overwhelmed would be a massive understatement. I could not believe the number of messages I had in my inbox. I lost count to be honest with you but it was way in excess of 1 k.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. There were so many people who opened up to me about their own experience either being the victim or being the s/o of a victim. Each of your story’s touched me more than I could say. One in particular got to me and I’m not going to lie I sat at my keyboard and cried for 20 minutes reading his story. It was so eerily similar to mine that it was as if it was happening to me all over again. However this was written from an older gentleman who went through virtually the same thing and had to make similar choices. Thank you sir, I won’t share any details since that was sent to me in confidence but you truly touched me.

That all being said here I am today. Although universally I was told I was not an asshole and not in the wrong it still doesn’t feel right. I feel like an absolute failure and that if I would have just been more assertive early on in the process that we could have changed things.

I don’t think I made it clear enough how much I loved and still love her. Letting this relationship go is like saying I have to lose an arm.

I haven’t eaten any solid food since Sunday night, I know I have to quit drinking (yes I called into work again today) but right now feeling numb is better than what I feel like I have to do.

Before I go over my intentions I do want to clear up a couple of things. As I said I wrote that while I was still very upset and hurt so I think I was probably either not clear enough or maybe painted a couple of people in a bad light.

First to her parents. Yes, I’ve known her parents since 3 weeks into our relationship. They have never been anything but kind to me and we have eaten at their house twice a month since we have been together. My family has always celebrated Christmas on Christmas eve so I have spent 3 of the past 4 Christmas’s at her house with them. I do not fault or blame them. Their child was brutalized and traumatized so they circled the wagon around her, which while I do not have any kids I certainly understand that she was top priority to them. Her Dad has been as hurt as anyone by this and I have been heartbroken to see this giant of a man (he’s honest to God 6’6" tall) broken like this. Her Sister has honestly been my lifeline. She has talked with me and has always tried to be as open as she can with me.

Yes, they knew about the cheating and that is why I got the runaround. No they did not support her decision to do this however they did not want to be involved other than be there for her.

Second her therapist might be incompetent, I have no way to judge that. However in rereading what I typed I think I made it come out worse than it really was. She did not try and excuse what she did nor did she try and justify it, like I implied. After a few seconds of awkward silence that was only interrupted by my crying she said that “some women” do that. Also I did read where some people thought it was the therapist who recommended she do this and that couldn’t be farther from the truth. My g/f told her in therapy what she had done and she is the one who convinced my g/f to tell me, they both agreed to do it there so she felt safe.

I just wanted to clear those two things up because I did not do either of them any justice.

My g/f is/was my best friend. I confided in her for everything. I have some work associates that I am friendly with but I am hundreds of miles from where I grew up and all of my friends are there and either are married or very career driven so I don’t have what you would call a real support network. My sister has been there for me to a point but there is a real complication to that even. My g/f and my sister are best friends, in fact its how I met my g/f. So while my sister loves me and wants what’s best for me she is also very sympathetic to her friend and doesn’t want me to do anything to hurt either of us. She does not support her in the cheating but has tried to basically smooth that over. She does NOT know though that we (my g/f & myself) have not been together sexually since the rape. Honestly that is none of her business and I think she would be really disgusted with me if I let her think that this even had anything to do with it.

My g/f has been blowing up my phone with text’s since Sunday night. She is saying everything that I have wanted her to say since about a month after the rape. I’ve gotten more “I love you’s” in the past day than I have in the past year. I’ve only responded twice to her. So she does know I’m reading them.

That is making the next part very hard to do. I came to the decision last night/early this morning that for my own mental well being I can’t do this anymore. Believe me when I say that I know what a failure it is and how horrible it makes me feel.

So here is my plan. I know it is chicken shit on my part but I have typed a letter and I am going to send it to her therapist (along with a note to the therapist explaining what to do) for my g/f to read in her office. That way there is immediate support for her. I don’t want her to be anymore abandoned than what I am going to be doing, that is heartbreaking to type btw.

When she goes for her appointment Friday morning I will then send emails to her parents and a text to her Sister informing them of what is happening so that way they can be there for her when she gets out.

Here is word for word the letter I have written her, the only thing that is different is that I am no using her or her therapist real names here. Please read it and let me know if I am out of line or if I am to cruel or if this will trigger any type of mental trauma related to her rape. I have zero intention of inflicting any more pain than what is normal with a breakup.

Dear Sara,

I know that this is not the best way of doing this but honestly if I had to look you in the eyes I know I could not go through with this. I have loved you since the first month we have been together and the first three years of our relationship were the best three years of my life. You were my everything and I know that we had both talked about marriage a lot and I know and believe with all of my heart that we were going to be married.

Nothing would have made me any more happy or proud than to be called your husband.

I don’t know how to say this because every fiber of my being does not want to say this but for my own mental health going forward I have to let you go. Believe me when I say that decision did not come easily to me nor can I say that it is not heartbreaking on my end. I have always and still love you, but I can’t be with you anymore.

You need to heal and you need to be able to 100% focus on you while you are healing and having to worry about me and my feelings is only getting in the way of your healing.

I will always hate the bastard who did this to you. He has ruined so many lives that life in prison seems a lot more appropriate than what he got. But I don’t get to make that call. I know holding onto hate is not healthy but he has ruined my life as well as yours.

I know you are going to hate me for this, I don’t blame you at all. I know that you feel abandoned but please understand I have done everything in my power to be there for you. I wanted to be more involved in your healing but for whatever reason I was somewhat excluded from being a significant part of your inner circle. This has left me feeling very lonely and alienated from you and your family. I wanted nothing but the best for you and wanted to be there for you and I hope I was whenever you would let me.

I won’t lie, you seeking comfort in the arms of another while still to this day denying me any affection has weighed very heavily on me. I did then and I do now forgive you but forgiving does not take away the soul crushing pain that comes along with that. I understand to a point why you might have done it, I don’t agree with it and I never will, but I maybe see why.

However that has nothing to do with the fact that we are one year and a month past your incident and you still treat me as though I did something wrong or will do something wrong to you. When you withdrew the other night from my attempt at a kiss I knew then that you were still in need of healing and I have no idea how long that will be. But I can’t put my life on hold indefinitely, which is where we are still. I know it is very selfish of me but I need affection, I need both mental and physical intimacy. Our conversations have been both generic and bland for the past year, which believe me I can understand why. But we used to spend hours talking about our future and what we wanted. Now at best we talk about what movie’s we want to watch.

What I am doing is in no way because of what happened to you. That event was horrible and was life changing for you and I never ever had a second thought about you because of it. This is all about your recovery and how you have to heal. For whatever reason, reasons you may not even know yourself, you have completely distanced yourself from me. I’ve tried with all of my heart to get back to you but it is painfully apparent that I am no closer to you now than I was right after the incident.

Also to be very clear so you do not think this is about anything else. The is no one else. I am not seeing anyone, I don’t have eyes for anyone nor do I think anytime soon I will. I am not now nor have I ever cheated on you.

I hope with all of my heart for you to be fully healed soon. I want you to be happy. I hope some day you can look back on our time together with fondness and find it in your heart to forgive me.

I will always love you, this breaks my heart more than you will ever know.



Thank you again to everybody. I know I type a boatload but it just feels good to get this out.

I have to have it to her therapist by tomorrow. Now the question is do I have the fortitude to send it.

tl;dr: I have written her a letter and need advice

:frowning: Well, what can I say? A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. :frowning: Your first responsibility is to yourself.