I have learned several things recently. First thing is that I had no idea how many English teachers, lit majors and overall editors were actually redditors. LOL, I had so many posts just correcting my obvious and admitted horrible spelling and grammar that I began to have a complex. In all seriousness thank you for those of you who took the time to edit that for format, grammar and spelling. I even appreciate those of you who took the time to provide me with written documentations and reasons as to why my errors were errors.
Second thing I’ve learned is that this is really a loving and caring community for the most part. I have been given numbers to call, emails to read and lists of things to read to help me on my journey. I deeply appreciate the very moving stories I have been told and believe it or not I have read every one of them even though at last count I was close to 2,500 messages. People have offered to buy me drinks, hang out and I even got one offer for a hand job to relieve my stress which was both flattering and amusing all at the same time.
However the main thing that I have learned recently is to never sign your real name to an open public letter if you don’t want it to somehow get back to the people in your life. It makes it a little hard to deny it was you when every single detail is the same and you use your own dumb ass name.
Many people wanted and update about how things went. Simply put, it didn’t.
In review I had written the letter and then with the help of several redditors had re-written the letter with better format and I did edit out the part that the rapist ruined her because I agreed that this was not an appropriate thing to say. In fact I almost edited him out altogether other than saying I wish he had gotten a longer sentence. However I did leave in the part about being her husband. I know a lot of people wanted me to take that out but I just felt deeply that I had to say that, I can’t really explain why.
Of course my intention originally was to mail it to her therapist office with instructions for what to say, but I knew there was zero chance that she would get it in time so I was going to take it to her and see if I could speak with her.
Notice how that was all in the past tense as in what I was going to do?
Well I never got the chance.
Wednesday night, late night in fact, I have a knock on my door. Lo and behold it is her sister and my sister together. Her sister was holding papers in her hands and my sister walks in and her sister walks in with her. Obviously something is up so I ask what’s wrong and her sister hands me a print out of my posts and the replies to my previous two threads and she simply asks “is this you”?
At first I tried to deny it, I couldn’t really remember everything I had written in particular the first post so I was kind of trying to avoid any problems if I said something I shouldn’t have.
But my sister just straight up got in my face and told me to stop fucking lying, which by then I was caught. I knew and she new it. I just dropped my head.
This then led to a very long conversation that lasted till the wee hours of the morning. At first her sister was very much emotional because of course she loves her sister and was crying asking me how I could want to do this to her. Much to my surprise though my sister stood up for me here and actually kind of ripped her sister a new asshole. She said that I had gone way beyond what most people had and that Sara should not one year later still be withholding affection from me. She had no idea that we still weren’t physically as close as we once were, like I said I never told her.
Once my sister got done talking (I’m going to call her sister Susan just so I can stop typing her sister) Susan said that in reality she knew that she was right. She begged me to not go through with my letter, she said that I had promised to give Sara a week (which I had). She then gave a very impassioned speech about how much she can tell I still love her and how much she knows she still loves me. My sister also agreed that there was too much love present in my heart to just do this right away. She said and it made sense at the time, what is another week compared to what you have been through. So long story short I agreed to not take the letter over.
Whether it was guilt, regret or love I can’t say but I agreed to it. This then led the single most embarrassing thing in my life happening. Susan gave me a very big hug and cried as they were leaving. It’s been a very long time since I’ve had any type of close contact and let’s just say its not a lot of fun being called a disgusting pig by your sister. All I could do was say how very sorry and how embarrassed I was, fortunately Susan seemed to take it in stride. She just wanted to make sure that I would talk with Sara the next day.
Even though I was a virtual zombie from lack of sleep I went ahead and went to work. I have lots of PTO time available to me but I didn’t want to burn it all up over this in case I needed time later.
I got home from work and my intention was to go straight to bed after eating dinner and maybe watching some tv. That went to hell in a hurry as I was eating my dinner when my someone is knocking on my door again. This time is was Susan and Sara.
This time Sara is holding the printout. You can tell they both had been crying and Susan asked if they could come in. I just shook my head yes because I was honestly a little nervous and no matter what she has done or not done, seeing Sara emotional always upsets me and she physically looked horrible. I mean as bad as she did after the rape.
They set on the couch and sara already has tears streaming down her face. We all kind of just sat there for what seemed like an eternity looking at each other.
I wasn’t going to speak first, I had no idea what to say or do so I just sat there. Eventually I broke though and asked Sara if she wanted some water or something to drink. She actually said yes so I got up and went to the kitchen to get her a glass of ice water and when I turned around she was standing right behind me.
All she said to me was “are you really going to leave me”? I couldn’t answer, I just looked into her eyes and felt broken and ashamed. We went and sat down but this time she sat next to me.
She started to read my first post to me but could not make it through it.
Susan jumps in at this point and say’s they had spent the day talking and they had gone over the post and most of the replies and said that Sara was very sorry for how she treated me. She said that they have spoken to their parents and everybody agrees that the way I was treated was not fair. Seeing it in writing really struck a nerve with all of them because they could see how hurt I was and that even though I could have blamed all of them that I didn’t. Sara is shaking her head yes the entire time.
Sara then managed to talk and just laid out how she obviously did not give me enough consideration and that she now see’s that what she did was horrible to me when I have been nothing but compassionate and loving towards her. She begged me for another chance she said that sometimes in life you need a kick in the ass to get moving and she said me wanting to break up with her was her wakeup call. She can’t and won’t take me for granted and said she had a years worth of apologizing to do to me.
Susan actually very calmly said that they had spoken at length in the afternoon about her infidelity and then not even touching me. Sara then replied that she had no real excuses. She knows that what she did was horrible and that she had no right to ask me for forgiveness but was going to anyway. She also said that she is making it the top priority of her life that she talk with her therapist to get past any physical limitations she has with me.
This went on for a long time btw. I could give you a lot more of what was said but this is already a wall of text as it is.
The one thing though that I want to say is that while she was talking to me she was holding my hand. She reached out and took it. Now I realize that she read my posts and I made a big deal about that in my posts but whether she did it because she read it or just did it on her own (she used to do that all the time) I won’t deny that it felt really good.
They ended up staying the night. No, before you get any crazy porn movie ideas nothing happened between any of us. Susan slept on the futon and Sara on the couch and I actually went to my bed.
I called in early Thursday morning to work before I went to bed as I knew that I would not be able to function on so little sleep.
I get awoken around 10 by Sara sitting next to me in the bed rubbing her hands on my arm to wake me up. She said that they were getting ready to leave because she had moved up her therapy session to 11 and she didn’t want to leave without her telling me how much she loved me and to let me know she was coming right back after the session.
She leaned over and kissed me. It wasn’t a long passionate kiss in fact it was just kind of a quick kiss but right on the lips. This was a mistake I’m sure because that broke my resolve right there. Up until that point I was still holding onto the thought that this was all just words and that it took me threatening to leave her to get her to even pay attention to me. One p.m. I got from a rape survivor kept going over in my head that if she was able to come around because of the threat of me leaving then this was not all due to her emotional trauma because if it was due to that then no threat of me leaving was going to change this.
But between my sister, her sister and her every wall that I was building to protect myself was crumbling and that kiss pretty much was the wrecking ball that tore them all down.
I went back to sleep and around 1 she shows back up at my place carrying lunch. Susan was not in tow so it was just going to be the two of us. We ended up spending the afternoon together. We ended up spending the weekend together. Yes you can infer from that what occurred between us. I’ll just say that I was probably more scared about it than she was. I was worried about triggering anything or saying or doing anything that would upset her. She on the other hand was very loving and emotional about it. She cried afterwards for a good long while which caused me to freak but she said it was a combination of joy and regret. That she had forgotten how love felt and it just kind of overwhelmed her. We laid there for hours.
She had the recommendation from her therapist for a couples counselor who we are going to start seeing next week.
I know this isn’t what a lot of people wanted to read and all I can say is that I’m sorry to disappoint you and yes I am prepared for the plethora of name calling from some people but at the end of the day I have to worry about myself and my happiness here.
For the first time in over a year I have been happy for 4 days. I know that this isn’t the end, that we are still going to have hurdles to overcome. I honestly believe that this was a wakeup call for her, if not then why go through all of the emotional drama and turmoil. Wouldn’t she just let it go?
Bottom line is I love her, I have always loved her and all I wanted was for her to show me she loved me as well. This past weekend was a really bonding experience for me and for her as well. I think we can build something new together.
Thank you reddit, I felt the love from you guys as well. I am ultimately a very lucky man.
tl;dr; Got caught with my reddit postings. My sister and her sister convinced me to not go through with the letter. Her sister and her came over and she said things that she needed to say and let me say what I needed to say. We spent 3 straight days together and it was heaven. We are going to couples counseling. I’m happy with the end result