warning from team mafisi to pink handles

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Over the weekend, I went to do some little shopping to push me through the week, you know normally I don’t do monthly shopping like most do. I am one of those people who think the world might end any day, and there is no need to leave anything here only to benefit satan…asha. So while at the supermarket, I left my bag at the luggage place and since it was a weekend, it was kinda crowded so I just gave him my bag but he didn’t give me that ka-card they give to show where he placed the bag. So I entered the super. After the shopping, I went to pick my bag and the guy there just asked me ‘ni hii?’.of which I picked it and left. On arriving at my house, I realized that the bag wasn’t mine. It had some dresses and two pairs of shoes. I went back to the supermarket, and told the guy at the luggage’s that I had picked the wrong bag. He told me that infact the owner of the bag had left her phone number, and that I should call her to arrange on how she would pick her bag. I called the number and what I heard was a sweet voice, a voice that can remove 3 nyokas kwa pango. I gathered all courage and talked in fluent flawless English, inserting bits of Jeff Koinange like ‘woow’, ‘aha’, ‘ooh my’…and we agreed that since she had already left for town, we would arrange on how she would pick her bag from me the following day. I saved the number and logged on to whatsapp. I checked her prof pic and I had to sit for some minutes analyzing everything from her hair, forehead, nose and shape of her lips. She was marvelous, a person created with no hurry and under close supervision. I went back to the house and logged on to whatsapp again. I looked at her again and I remembered one of the rules in the Da-Fisi code, which says that “you should never fear rejection, a jogoo has a red beard, a tiny D, and ‘climbs’ on only one style, but he still climbs many hens.” So I texted her on whatsapp like “hello, am sorry for the mix up on the bags. Hope I didn’t inconvenience you.” To my surprise, she replied immediately saying how she appreciated me returning the bag…bla bla bla. The conversation picked from there. Being a man of many stories of giants, we chatted about all things including waiguru, elnino, muthama and dj crème. She said she would come for her bag from my house the following day afternoon, that is sunday. I promised to cook her lunch. She was so excited and I was too. I cancelled all my plans for Sunday, including watching all EPL matches. I did not even place any bet on sportpesa, as I was busy scrubbing all the corners of the house, and even changed the arrangement of the house. You’d think pope was passing by my house. I called those niggas who pass by randomly and told them to keep off in the afternoon, as I was expecting a very important guest. Owing to the current prolonged dry spell, I also started rehearsing lines on how to borrow things, as I have even forgotten. I even rehearsed and choreographed how one thing would maybe lead to the other, and kababa would land somewhere. At around 11, she called, and the sweet mellow voice told me she would be there at 2pm. I went and bought some meat from my local busheri, and told the butcher to cut it from the softest part, normally near the sudus/thuthas of a cow. I even checked for one of those recipesShobaposts, and prepared a very good meal, something I have never prepared before. At around 2pm, she called again to say that she was almost. I had a last minute look in the house to ensure everything was in order. There was one mende that appeared near the table, and the manner in which I killed it, am sure its fellow mendes knew it was not business as usual, and they had to keep low. Then she called to say she was at the gate. I walked to the gate the way Ruto walks to receive Uhuru when he is returning from Mayuu. One nigga who is a neighbor kept a close eye at my door to make sure he would catch the sight of this beauty i had been singing all day. I opened the gate and just saw some kids playing outside and a woman saying hi to them. I called the number and saw the woman reach for her phone, and then she came towards me saying,ooh you are Benson right?..the voice was what I had heard on the phone, but on looking at her, she was like fote fae (45), the size of two buffalos, and nothing close to what was on the pic. I said yes I am Benson. I really wanted the earth to open up and swallow me alive, or jehova wanyonyi to come with a chariot and take me like Enoch or Elijah, but here I was. I was sure it was her because of the voice, but what about the beauty on the pic??.That was a question I still don’t have an answer. So we went to the house, and just then I saw a text from my nigga…”Ok dude, kwani it’s her mom who came?” I texted back and told him “long story bruh…please come pick me time ya game.” So she sat and we had lunch, as I pretended to be excited that she passed by. After lunch, we had a little chat but I indicated that I was to catch up with some niggas for a game. I was feeling deceived but had only me to blame for what we call “jumping before the drum beat”. Just then my nigga showed up and I could see him smiling from the corners of his mouth. But he saved me as he insisted that we should go before the match started. I gave her the bag and we all went out.
Now I cant go to where my niggas are coz they cant stop laughing…Now ladies please, am appealing on behalf of all men, ndamuthaitha, don’t be putting pictures of sijui your younger sisters or sijui nieces as your prof pics. Its very unfair to us. And you satan, even if we hate each other and don’t agree on anything, stop taking this dry spell thing too far. Let a nigga prosper for once, you know very well am not into Petroleum njeri.


wasn’t this here yesterday?

Hii hekaya imezunguka…


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huyu SV hakua ameiva…@Admin rudisha huyu NV…

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old post

You are among those talkers who cum when you haven’t even penyad…stooooo pid

where is the “new-villagers-ruining-our-perfect-life” brigade?

aki ya nani, he he, anyway i liked the hekaya

No we know @Hunter X = @Lover boy

from here to whatsapp and back tu here.
next thing kuzo wangu kutoka majuu apige simu aniambie, “guess what, Over the weekend, I went to do some little shopping…” o_O


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This hekaya just made me smile as I while away time in traffic… Sande sana kiyana!

Bado ni funny. Keep up the spirit ya kurudiarudia hekaya mujamaa