Way back as a newly employed not very new , young man . i was more randy than now banging snakes left right and center in kakamega where i was working in the front office part of the business . so lets just say i was meeting all kind of women beautiful and average looking especially MMUST ladies who were naive especially the fisrt year ones . so during those days lets just say pesa nilikuwa napata was not that sustaining kufika end month but i used to try , although mlevi akiingia kwa bar pombe usually came by itself from different quarters from corrupt business people to corrupt govt people . So , one day huyu dem msuper appears at the door and huyo as usual mkamuaji Uwes rushes to her rescue . ’ hi ’ goes uwes , ’ hello , niko na shida kidogo ’ , ‘yep how may i help you’ , ‘kuna hii machine imenishinda kutumia kindly assist’ , 'sawa twende nikusaidie '. So we go and uncle uwes assists the lady saa hio nimengara suti ya 5k ya blue my fav clour , but inaweza mbaya . The girl i think i can compare her to Corazon Kwamboka coz alikuwa na matako serious and she was cute . ’ Nice to meet you naitwa Uwes na naishi hapa milimani , wewe ni mrembo sana kwani unaishi wapi ’ , ’ naishi hapa Amalemba naitwa Purity Kemunto ’ she replied coyly . ’ thanks sana let me have your number next time ukiwa na shida just hala ’ she giggled and ladies and ruffians thats how i met the most possessive woman(kisii ) in my life . i have spcified the tribe because i have met like 7 of them and same trait has been shown.
Now if you know kakamega in those days everyone knew everyone if you were prominent like me , although hauna kitu , but you are seen all over . back to the main story after one week i invite Kemunto over ( during those days you could talk to a woman in the office and in the evening you are banging her just on the basis of where you are working which i wont disclose. So kemunto came that saturday and we just spoke watched a movie on my bravia , i had a flat screen bravia 32’ not the 60’ 3d brvia i have now . as said earlier i didnt have that much money to take her out but slowly after Using my superpowers , nikaanza kumdara polepole kiss hivihivi and in no time we were on my bed banging away like crazy werecats . during those days i used to place my laptop stratedgically that i recorded almost all my sexcapades ( kama unajua dem alisoma MMUST , in my will there is a clause of all those movies being thrown into the net . ) . so those days the stallion in uncle Uwes used to meet the @rollout threshold of 7 minimum dryfry . So we went out with the lady for lets say 2 months then wiseguy akaboeka na the honeypot because i was meeting new nubile things from the Uni and the MTC and i wanted to keep up with my youth . Sasa nikaanza kuhepa simu za dem huku huku huku huku dem akacatch feelings nimeambia mkisii mimi infact nimeamua kuwa priest since my uncle in the UK is a priest na ameamua niende huko . ’ HAKUNA KITU KAMA HIO HII KAKAMEGA NI NDOGO USIJARIBU KUCHEZA NA AKILI YANGU ’ fumed the lady from banana county ’ unafikiria sijui ule dem wa MTC umekua ukionekana naye ’ , ’ MADAM MIMI USINILETEE UPUSS NIMEKUAMBIA CHENYE NIMEKUAMBIA NA UKINILETEA MDOMO UTAJUA COUSINS WANGU WAGISU WANAKULANGA WATU ’ i blurted back , i think the previous days tusker was still swirling in my head, yep those days i used to drink only tusker . ’ WEWE UTAJUA MIMI NI NANI !!!’ she threatened me . my patience is usually very thin , i went to the bedroom pickd her things , threw them outside , 'toka nje na nisikuone tena hapa ’ i told her and pushed her outside the door. akalia hapo majirani wamekunja mkia since they know Uwes is a rogue womaniser from the many skirt wearers they had seen they knew this was a normal event coz not once or twice i had chased out hookers who tried to go utside the MOU and increase the agreed price . nikachukua ps2 yangu fifa polepole . nyangau akasema ’ UTAJUA MIMI NI NANI ’ then left .
I got a kasapere girlfriend and continued with my adventurous ways . Kemunto moved to Nairobi Uni and i forgot about her . 2 years down the line Uncle uwes is tired from jobo at around 6 nikaingia Golf club kwa wazito to ‘talk’ which was basically getting a handout from some shady deal . so i take the money and take 3 tuskers pass by Franka hotel took my heavy supper serious ugali and kuku 3 quarters 2 more tusker and headed home . it was arounnd 8 as i was strolling near my place i see this beautiful woman wearing a mini dress glowing just below the building , adrenaline rush chapchap dictionary check , kamusi check , wikipedia check , boldly i walked over . ’ niaje mrembo you are shining more than the star inside the sun ’ dem aka blush immediately , it was during the august holidays , checking her out properly she looked young around 17 years , 11 months and 29 days hivi , matiti check , mkia check , sura check , goal posts CECH . ’ Thanks sana , nimepotea kidogo , nilikuwa natafuta stage ya kuenda kisumu ’ she sweetly replied with an angels voice . ’ haina shida hata mimi nilikuwa naenda kisumu but what you do ingia tukunywe juice hapa kwangu then nimepark huko mbele nikudrop stage ’ (i didnt even own a motorbike at the time ) , ’ sawa basi ’ . hapo mr wise guy knew he was home , the fool in me could not see that the very cute young beautiful thing aliingia kwa matchbox too fast .
We entered the house and as i told you guys ’ wikipedia was check ’ in no time the girl was in my bed an i was humping her like there was no tomorrow , i used the rubber thing ya kwanza but the next three DRYFRY CHAIMAN took over and i was the happiest bukusu on earth . My senses checked in at around eleven pm and i felt something was not right the way the girl was so comfy and she was like this was her home . I knew my mungich girl could check in any time coz it was a friday and she was suspecting my amorous ways , as everyman will attest after banging a girl (who is not ur official wife/girl ) especially to your satisfaction its just another piece of meat with knobs on the chest and a hole at the bottom and you cant wait to get rid of it till the next dryspell for something new . ’ my dear sasa si unaeza shower nikudrop stage before mat ziishe ’ , ’ si naeza enda kesho ’ , ’ kesho ni noma coz naamkia huko bungoma kuona Musikari Kombo , kuna ndege nataka kumuuzia ndio tuenjoy weekend vizuri ’ , ’ ok namba yangu ni 072057250$ wacha nishawe twende’ . my bukusu instincts just told me dont give her your number and i followed the advise . we left the house strolled then again my sixth sense kicked in and i told her 'chukua hii pikipiki ndio usichelewe ’ she agreed hesitantly . i gave her 500 shs paid the taxi guy under the cover of darkness 50 bob ’ fikisha huyo bibi yangu stage vizuri ’ .
The next day a Saturday for once i woke up fresh bila hangover showered and proceeded to work after work as always we extended time to 3 pm so that we could say we worked extra time and go have nyamchom and drinks at the companys expense . We 5 guys two ladies proceeded to Franka hotel ordered nyamchom and drinks and relaxed watching manchieth united as we waited for the Mighty Arsenal game . I had downed around 5 bottles of tusker when i saw two cops whom i knew well pass by in plain clothes without saying hi , after five minutes one of them came over tapped me on the shoulder and said , lets have a word , i obliged . outside there were two more cops , i started asking myself kwani hizi tusker na nyama za kampuni at last they are catching up with us or what . ’ Uwes , wapi msichana wa wenyewe ? ’ , i almost laughed msichana mgani ? i asked myself ’ chief dem wangu ako kwake pale jua kali , kwani amefanya nini ’ , the cop who was not familiar was physically angry , but the other two were calm , ’ utatoa mtoto wa shule ama utalala ndani ’ , ’ mtoto wa shule mgani boss ? ’ . This is when it dawned on me that it mus be a serious case of mistaken identity and went to summon two of my friends . ’ ule mama ako kwa ile gari anasema wewe ndio ulikuwa na mtoto wake jana ’ ,’ ako wapi nimuone '. so we went to the vehicle and surprise surprise Kemunto and the woman i later came to know was her mum were seated there with the brother whom i had met once . i recalled my previous 24 hrs adventure and the insurance line came to my head and rung DENY DENY DENY , so the mother asks me ’ wapi mtoto wangu ’ , ’ mama mtoto mgani ’ , ’ si Alice , dada yangu ’ Kemunto shouts . ’ huyu kemunto alikuwa dem wangu kitambo huyo mtu mwingine munasema simjui ’ , this is when they described the girl i had dryfried the previous day that it started unravel-ling to me that this was a setup Kemunto had a verbatim of the previous days happenings . ’ Afisa mimi sijui hii story ya huyu dem , na mtu aliniona na yeye akuje aseme ’ , ’ story ikuwe rahisi twende kwako tuone kama ako huko ’ , ’ sawa ’ i replied with all the confidence in the world . the mama had hired a vehicle and from her emotions i knew she was not aware this was a laid down plan .
We went to my house , you can imagine the horror on kemuntos face when she couldnt find her underage siz in my house it was ransacked some momoic panties , thongs , bras , tampons mothers union , grandmothers union were found which werent hers . ’ wewe utalala ndani mpaka useme msichana ako wapi , tuende police station ’ . i obliged knowing my rights written in the new constitution could not be trampled upon being a prominent person with my two prominent persons in tow i accepted . reaching the station they knew they had no case the mother was in tears then one of the friendly cops confirmed its not the first time the girl had skipped school . The kisii cop grilled me and he couldnt find anything all i said was sijui mtu kama huyo . no case . " sawa basi saidia mama na pesa ya taxi unaona vile ako na stress ’ , as a sign of appreciation to the owner of the lean meat i had eaten the previous day i paid the 1000 shs taxi and we left with my colleagues straight to franka and drank till 3 am when my mungich momo came for me from the club . I never met Kemunto but later the cops told me the girl was found in Nairobi at her boys place and the boy met the wrath of the kisii clan that drained him off 50 thousand .
MORAL OF THE STORY : -be very vigilant during the school holidays
-A woman scorned wrath is to be feared by wannabes like @culture @rollout - when dealing with seasoned veterans like uncle Uwes look for pros to plan your revenge , not some Alice unaexpect niache alale kwangu na niko na bukusu sixth sense
-Keep on fukcing you only live once