Been a while, Villagers,
Have you ever felt robbed??
So, I have been dating for a while now (dangerously) and while the cold season lasts, I’ve had a blast until yesterday. The girlfriend has been semi-living with me for a while now, I couldn’t resist the extra cushioning, dedicated cooking, cleanliness, the multi-banging, in short, I have been living like a Mtemi. But before I get into what happened yesterday, let me start from the beginning. 10 years ago, I was 24, my ego hovering like a fly on speed, recently dumped by a girlfriend of 6 years (yeah, the legitimacy in young love is like face-rubbing a row of sweaty buttocks), and my pockets half chunky due to my newly found alcoholic tendencies, nursing my young blub heart. I was sipping my 5th beer at a Popular lounge in Kilimani. Like all my civilized forefathers in my family have done for decades, I was seated at the counter, getting A+ fast service. If you are a loner, and you are looking to get lucky, you know this tactical position already. I’d noticed two women on the far right of the counter, downing a bottle of wine. Before long one of those women disappeared. I am calling them “women”, due to my upbringing, and unsequential thinking, my mind won’t let me call anyone above 30 a girl, but Gademmit! these mamas were sopisticated!
Yes I pulled out
When I looked over that direction the next time, the other woman was staring right straight at me! I find women hitting on my chubby face quite flattering. I wasn’t looking to get laid by a woman that old at that time. But due to my inflated ego, I encouraged the starring contest before pulling out (yes I pulled out). 10 minutes later, she stealthily left her seat walked over and sat on my left. “Hi” she had this coarse voice that felt like she had been heavy toking the previous night, and Gademmit!! it was sexy. She was tall, super toned, melanin+, and almighty sophisticated. We got to chatting, and before long she told me she had the hots for me and that she had been hunting, yes you heard me right, she told me she was “hunting for Meat” but most importantly she wanted to get my d*ck in and out of her mouth and several other orifices. I was super excited I felt Mr young Silver flex thrice in my pants. She was 34 at that time, I was 24, first job, living the “good life” so we think. We humped severally like hamsters for 2 months before, she increasingly became nagging and needy (premeditated now I figure) and I had to stop communicating with her, and that is the last I ever saw of Angela. I must admit, she single-handedly healed my broken heart. You see, this woman was at the peak of her career, she was an Account Executive for a leading PR agency in Africa, and at that time Account Executives were not 28, 29-year-old Whisky popping, Loan heaved, smart-dressed, Disco celebrity, poor-decisioned suicide time bombs we have diluting Instagram with hashtags. They were respectable fully-funded, extra packaged chunky-pocketed important peoples who had more than a few hundred bills in their accounts at any given time in their professional lives. No disrespect to the hard-working people of this country, but professionals in Agencies need better pay for the mind-mining that goes on behind those flashy agency buildings. She funded all the merry weekends willingly, it felt so bad at times I extra insisted on chipping in on some of those getaways. She was really good to me, like that hot high school teacher, who canes you tirelessly in class but kisses you so deeply behind the school canteen at night preps. On the last mini Vacay in Malindi, she got really pissed off when I wasted a couple of seconds looking for my condoms (now I figure). And I remember her commenting about trust and dry humping. That night and a few other nights and days that would follow I would sleep with her without protection.
Kanyaga Hio Kitu Hadi Mavi Inuke
So, Vrrrrssssssssshhhhhhhh!!! Fast Forward, 2018, Garden City Mall, Food Court. Seated at the less crowded, more expensive but equally tasting food, lounge, otherwise known as Moca Loca. I can pay for peace of mind sometimes, and so I decided to take my new girlfriend out for lunch. The house was getting misty, I have been taking advice from my longtime best friend Subo, "kanyaga hio kitu hadi mavi inuke". While I was pulling the chair for my new catch, a familiar scent whisked past. Head-rushed, it rang with an extended ding in my head, Angela, Angie Fckn KXXaXX!!! That perfume was Chloe by Karl Lagerfield. I could never forget that scent ten years later, it still had that wild but sensual bourgeois fragrance. I was sure it was her, my Ex Ex Ex-baby-healer (don’t have that many exes, I avoid meaningless relationships, i accept bad behavior). I know the events that happen next might sound fake, cliche and oversold, but she had a kid with her. See, at 34, ten years ago, Angie was without child. That, however, isn’t what’s perplexing, this kid was a spitting Image of the Mtemi AKA Mwendabai, AKA, ME!!. I have no doubt that’s my boy, and I don’t need to travel more than 300 km to the village to justify my suspicion. It’s like spotting that fancy leather jacket that had been stolen several washes away right in front of you. The feeling is very confusing, you don’t know whether to strip the nigga off your very unique jacket, ask “where the Skidmarkonatoiletbowl did you get this Jacket?”, Shout “My Jacket you Asshole” or just watch in sorrow as your jacket, clearly tagged with your initials disappears into a crowd of people in our hopeless, and miserable Central Business District. And like it all started 10 years ago in Kilimani, “Hi”, that coarse, fcking sexy voice, echoed from my side. WTActualF!!! She still had it, she still looked ^waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayy^ over my league, she was still smoking HOT. Comparing her with my new catch, who is 20 years younger, is like eating 5k worth of Sushi and later on shitting in the bush by the roadside on a hot lodwar afternoon, it’s that bad, but id rather not get into more details. We had small talk, and it was extremely awkward for me and my catch when she introduced her son to us as Alberto F*cking KXXaXX!!! Yes, the kid is called Alberto, and i could see in my new GFs eyes that her fears had been confirmed without extra effort or drama, but through natural selection. It was the fastest date we have ever had. Walking to the parking lot, she asked, “Huyo ndio baby mama?”,Me, "Baby mama mgani babe?"As I finish off this Hekaya to be continued, I am holding my phone thinking…Should i press dial?? I just got played!