There's A First Time For Anything

So naona watu leo wametulia, acha hekaya ivume.
The scene: I’m fresh out of high school, kijana amenyemelea kiijiji mzima mpaka baba akamtuma aende akatafute campus. So I’m at a cousin’s place in Nai, it’s a Friday, mfuko ni mzito, and he’s out partying but mimi nimeachwa kwa nyumba nicheze PS (we have a strict no-raves-for-under-18s rule in our fam, tsk tsk). Ikafika 10.30-ish PM, I switched to TV but the movies sucked, nikaamua kuenda kutafuta chupa moja niimeze mbiombio kama sleeping pill. Kufika nje, I found a small crowd in the parking lot lamenting about something and I chose to mind my own beeswax and walk on by. Kidogo, nikasikia “si alikuwa amevaa shati ya stripes?”, na nirukiwa na kuvutwa kwa crowd. Turns out some bleeding dude who was seated in the middle of the crowd had just been robbed while he was home-delivering liqor, na mmoja wa hao wezi alikuwa na striped polo tee kama yangu. I try explaining to the crowd that I’d been in the house all along, mpaka nikawasimulia ile movie nimewacha ikicheza kwa telly lakini wapi. Apparently, crowds don’t listen too well, because they wanted to send me to Mola-ville but the afflicted akasema hajawahi ona hii sura, so wakatuliza. Being the gent that I was, I suggested tumtaftie hospitali na akaandikishe OB. We get to the hosi, dude gets stitches and me + crowd wait for him to get treated. As the crowd thins out, I notice these two lovely looking ladies who were part of the crowd looking all worried, so… Fisi Mode Activated.

Nikalipia jamaa bill (he saved my skin from an angry mob, it’s the least I could do right?), we head to the five-ohs and kwa njia, it’s a to-and-fro chat with the two ladies. Napenda rangi ya pesa hadi wa leo so nilikuwa nakimbiza the brown-skin but the dark beauty’s body language ilikuwa inasema “kuja tucheze karata, ukinishinda you can gerrit”. It’s now twelve-ish AM, cold as hell, the dark beauty’s wearing my jacket, tumemelizana na karao, me and the afflicted are cool, it’s ‘kila mtu ajitembeze’ time and I’m still in the mood for a drink served at the right temperature. Dark beauty’s also up for one, so we hit a local joint that’s almost empty and I lay down the rest of the simiti from the come-play-with-me vibe factory. A few drinks (read three) later, we’re both thinking the same thing so I pay the bill, hire a cab home (thank heavens hatukuwa mbali saana hehehe) and I invite her in. From there, go ahead and picture a Diwali fireworks festival. Kwa mtu alikuwa amezoea kuibia a fcuk before the parents get home, I was in Nirvana!! We were tipsy, had a bedroom to ourselves, she looked heavenly, glistening in the sweat of her answer to the call of the wild, and the tightness… oh, I couldn’t believe that she was a mom… and I thanked her in the only way I knew how… for a while, time didn’t exist to us… until I heard the door unlock and cuz walked in with his lady in tow!! So back to earth, it’s 4.something, and the sleeping pills + sexercise + the near-death + not wanting to compete with cuz are all kicking in. I cuddle (yes, cuddle) her and move on to dream of whatever 17-year-olds dream of (I assume being Mswati and having more cars than they will ever drive, but who remembers?).

Kushtukia, simu inaniambia ni 6.30, msichana ameshaamka na ako loo and akirudi kwa room, that bod looked so exquisite in my shagzmodo towel that ilibidi morning wood ipatiwe kazi pia. A shower later, she dresses up and declines breakfast ndio afike home kabla mtoto aamke. I walk her to the parking lot, she declines cab fare (ile mia tano imebaki) coz she lives in the same estate, she gives me a goodbye kiss and I watch her walk off into the early morning light… hips swaying in those blue jeans, telling a story of a night well done. No promises were made, I never got her number, never saw her again but I will never forget… Kathirinii, you lakeside beauty. You made a man out of a boy that night and wherever you may be, stay beautiful and may your Benz punani tingle (just for a minute) with a memory of me tonight.

Grown up or not, treasure your first time for anything.


Aki Mimi ni Kathirini from Kiambu… Nataka hizo fireworks za diwali!!

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:D:D:D nimesikia mahali eti you’re on an X rampage tonight… if you share, utapatiwa fireworks hadi za kuruka mwaka :wink:

At XS millionaires…ghai!

For a 17-year old you must have been very rich…

2007… hakuna Mututho laws, pombe ilikuwa mia na kumi… do the math, plus Pops gave me some get-out-of-sight-and-see-the-world money as my cut from mboga fulani nilikuwa nalima. Pesa ya mjini haiwezi compare na ya kijijini, wajanja wa ocha wana pesa bruv.

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That may be the X speaking, luv… come again?


Fantasies =Hekaya

My life reads like a movie, bruv. Wa kuamini aamini, wa kushuku aendelee ku-exercise haki yake :cool:


Tell us more about your cousin and his momo. Were you caught with the prostitute? Did he discover you drunk alcohol?

Or if they are here, waseme vile walifanya hio asubuhi.

What a dream!

Ati caught with the PROSTITUTE:D:D:D

Of course he found out. Shida tunayo sio ya kunywa phombe, but watoto hubaki nyumbani wazee wakienda vinjarizing. I thought he’d fist-bump me for pulling some but waapi!! Nilipewa msomo ya mwaka after kumsimulia yaliyojiri. And his momo was daamn fine, yellow as they come, with a tat in the right place and I may have seen her boobs once… sikuguza tho’, so no story there.
Oh and kama Kate alikuwa poko, it’s coz she’s trying to crowdsource a fuck akin to the one I gave her. Kama alikulipisha, inamaanisha hutoshi mboga mblo :D:D

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Wee, foko jembe, kwani hizo madawa umepewa Nairobi Hosi zinafanya uone marundurundu? Soma hapa na ukitaka uitishe side notes uache kunyimwa na mamboch


Pole basi…

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At what age did you start drinking?

Nilipatana na Tusker ya baba kwa fridge nikiwa class 3, nikagonga nusu na kuona ovoids kadhaa at 7.y.o. Fast forward hadi 14, high school, satchet za Sapphire. Only did a few coz my Pops would literally send me to holla at the ancestors ningempelekea suspension letter nyumbani. By the time nilimaliza fourth, nilikuwa naweza kumeza na wazee bila kuleta muhadhara

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Siezi pigiwa kitu sijafanya ata ikue ni mbogi

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