Ole Weru's Chronicles

Copy pasted…

Yesterday I woke up very early, because I had an early morning meeting in town. Since the month is officially at a roundabout, any thoughts of preparing breakfast were scattered as they came. I hopped into the shower and as I scrubbed my body with the now old and rugged gunia, I remembered how many times I have said I will replace it…but as you know, one is always reluctant to replace that gunia because it takes long for it to soften. But I like that gunia because it cleans sha ukweli. Inasafisha hadi roho unaacha kuwa na roho chafu.

After getting cleaned up, I usually select the clothes that least need ironing. In fact, after sugarless tea and warm beer, the next thing I hate most is ironing. So priss during my wedding ukileta zawadi ya pasi utarudi nayo kwenu. Talking of weddings, I need to start attending some. If you have a wedding coming up soon, priss invite yours truly. I have only attended three weddings my whole entire life, whereby one was that of my primary school teacher who had threatened to skin us if we failed to attend, the other one was that of my neighbour which I was angry the whole time for being forced to wear an oversize suit that made me look like Tyrion Lannister. The third one was Waihiga Mwaura’s wedding which I attended by watching it on the wedding show on TV…that is the closest I have gotten to a wedding as an adult. It’s not that I hate weddings, but I seriously don’t get invites…maybe I have a bad eating or chewing style…ironknow…

So after dressing up, I checked my wallet and after opening it, it yawned openly at me. Apart from the numerous business cards I get every day that make my wallet look fat, there was nothing much. There were however several coins on the table that summed up to about one dollar. That was enough to get me to town and back, with lunch and supper taken care of by my now big and growing debt at WaJothefu kibandanski.

Soon I was at the matatu stage and as it has become kawaida of me nowadays, I boarded the most silent matatu. You know back in the day I would even pay more fare just to board a matatu with a screen and blaring music but now, am an old cat whose only aim is to get to where am going. A guy, about twedi two years or so came and sat next to me, and what first caught my attention is his perfume…ooh my wamae, that shit was smelling good. I know am not supposed to exclaim like that when describing a fellow man’s perfume, but trust me am as straight as Ruto’s nose.

In the meantime, I just scrolled through the streets of the hindanet, looking to see if some good yellow yellow inboxed me in the middle of the night, and also like some photos here and there just to show fellow people of the internet that am in touch. From there, I searched to see if by any chance Arsenal have signed any player, even if it means re-signing Bendtner or as Matini used to call him Bend Etner which is not a very nice word when pronounced in Greek. As usual, checking Arsenal news can be disappointing as there are more rumours than facts.

So we got to some traffic kidogo and vehicles were moving very slowly. The guy sitted next to me told me “brathe, rudisha hiyo simu kwa mfuko…hapa siku izi wana-snatch ma-simu hadi asubuhi.” Wow this was really a good bruh, trying to look out for a fellow nigga. I said thanks and returned the phone to the pocket, and we picked a conversation on how harsh economic times have pushed the youth to crime bla bra bla. The rest of the conversation was dominated by Unga, Unga and the need for more Unga. After a few minutes, the guy alighted as he wished me a good day. There are certainly some good people in this city, I thought to myself.

Few minutes later, I reached my phone to check the time, but my hand only felt balls. I checked the seat and everywhere around me but ngó. That’s when it hit me. That nigga must have stolen my phone. I just kept quiet and held my mouth mpaka town.
Yani every time I think I have known all tricks in this Nyairofi, am reminded that I grew up somewhere between Mt Kenya and the Aberdares. Enyewe nimekuja kujua sijui.

But because Nyairofi is a man eat woman society, today I will go to down town Nyairofi and buy a second hand phone, mostly snatched from another person yesterday. Or what nduwindu?

Summary

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

ahahahah,i thought you will go downtown and eat a woman

  1. Get married my Fren, ama namna gani?
  2. Thou shall never show any tendencies of loving another man!
  3. Hizo simu second hand wacha. There are very cheap brand new phones. One day chicken gonna come home to roost. Utazeeka kamiti!
  4. Wanaume tuongee vitu za maana huku nje. If it has to be about unga, look at it in big picture and discuss policies.

You don’t know what you’ve missed

Kijana hekaya is from one ole weru blogspot

utajua hakuna mwanaume alikuja nairobi kuona KICC budaboss

hehehe iza baba masaibu za jiji like every other capital

Alijua Hajui

Few minutes later, I reached my phone to check the time, but my hand only felt balls…for real?

Nom

Noma Sana. i can recall how i was one time told to close the window kumbe i was making my pocket more accessible to some nigger.