Memo No. 184 From The National Welfare Desk of Men
READING THE ROOM:CASE FOR SELF-CORRECTION
One category of people I admire the most are those who wake up one day and quit a habit (usually a bad one) for good without looking back.
I am talking about the folks who quit alcohol and you will never see them touch the devil’s piss again. Ever. I know a dozen men who haven’t touched alcohol in 20 years, and they are now healthier, stronger and run their families with sobriety.
I am talking about those who quit gambling. Those who quit the meaningless junk sex and sleeping around, instead choosing a life of chastity or quality sexual bonding with their wife or the right people.
Basically anyone who chooses what is right for them: good health, good family, religious discipline-basically, a honest life full of integrity and that is what guides them. You know these men who watch their diet, watch what words come out of their mouths, and they live such a chilled life, almost without the problems us mere mortals go through. Do you know how bad it feels like paying Sh 73, 000 ar a garage for your car to be fixed for something that was totally avoidable if you stayed at home, or you didn’t order that third and meaningless bottle of whisky?
Not to be preachy, I do admire men who have their life in control. The only accidents or mistakes in their lives are freaks of nature, or something William Ruto and Rigathi Gachagua are likely to do the next five years having a bad outcome on their savings or business.
I say this, because men being in control of their lives is more an exception than a rule. Most men have weak wills. They have no strength or courage to turn their lives around. To quit a life of meaningless vice, and take charge of their lives.
I have been thinking about the concept of self-correction. As a student at The University of Nairobi back in the day I took too many bottles of Guinness in a police canteen. I got overly familiar with everyone in sight and started insulting everyone around. Man, ile vita those GSU officers gave me. They made me a 6’7 tall man kneel down and beg for mercy ?no Mercy when I need her around) even as the girlfriend of one of the short cops asked the cops, “since when did these young boys become so disrespectful to a point of insulting you?” Man, don’t ever be on the receiving end of a beating where a woman is the inciter. I don’t want to say that I did relieve on myself the contents of the bladder, but that morning, with a swollen eye and wounded pride, I swore never ever to be loud or noisy where people are drinking. It was a moment of self-correction. It took me another 8 years before I made another drinking-related blunder. Partly because I was sinking into depression and I thought the bottle was the solution. One day I went so hard on the bottle and allow me to skip the part of what happened (nothing untoward though) but it shook me enough to seek help as opposed to running away from the problem. Generally, I despise alcohol when not drinking for fun or recreation and in moderation.
Succumbing to vices, be it liquor, drugs, junk sex, is the first sign of the inability to self-correct and regulate yourself. Other signs include giving up on yourself, blaming others for your predicament, blaming the system for too long for your troubles, not overcoming the psychological effects of your divorce and blaming your ex-wife two years after divorce for your unchanged status. Staying in the rage state for too long, refusing to do the hard work of readjusting and recalibration your life is another sign.
Every man entitled to a life of happiness, purpose and direction. Of course life throws in moments of sorrow and sadness here and there. Of course, your purpose in life will keep on changing, but the destination, your Truest North must never change. Steer towards it fervently. The direction changes. Detours inevitably will be there. But that is what adds adventure to this uncertain and curious voyage we call life…
Men usually fail to correct themselves because they can’t read the room. It is so wrong for a man to settle. We settle in our jobs. I have met men in their 50s and 60s still hang up on their retrenchment from 20 years ago and how it did a number on them, and still in court, battling some settlement of sorts. I know the damaging and horrible psychological effects of wrongful and unfair retrenchment. I am all for people getting their dues. What I don’t like is being stuck in the past. Because the past is so seductive, but it robs you your future. Move on.
We settle in bad marriages, put up with abusive partners because of children, or so we say when all along, all we suffer is oneitis, or we are too lazy to start over. I have seen wives who give their men clues, but the men stubbornly refuse to see. They hope their wives will turn around, or it is a just a phase. Then the wives cheat on them. Then the wives start disrespecting them. The men accept this bad fate, and choose to die, either instantly by suicide or slowly by depression as they see their world fall apart. I have seen women who drove their husbands to an early grave, and there is never even a drop of remorse or guilt in their eyes. In-laws condemn them, society gossips about them, but there is no karma or bad stuff that will happen to them. I blame the men for not taking the initiative to read the room.
Reading the room extends beyond bad marriages. Nowadays even when dating, I can smell the exact minute the girl starts to act funny and doesn’t feel my vibe. I pick the signal like I am on 5G. I like girls who dump you on spot. And I no longer entertain those who start passing the blame to me, ahead of giving me the certificate of participating in my own character strengthening development.
Most men lack a sense of intuition, either because of wilful naiveté, too much self-absorption, or the useless belief that they are God’s gift to the world. Yet the world doesn’t care. They keep getting humbled every day.
To learn to read the room will teach you a lot. It will teach about low vibes from friends. It will teach you disrespect from friends. It will teach when to quit (bad job, one-sided friendships). It will teach when to transition. It will teach you your place in other people’s life. It will liberate you from so much bullshit, free you from an abusive marriage, and you will live to tell. Reading the room will also teach you about seasons in your life. When to be an adult. When to be happy. When to be sad. And when to take action.
I am tired of these adult adolescents and delinquents. Last week at a party, this tall man, with beards, a father of three, stole a mzinga from the table thinking that he was being clever, but he lost all our respect. Anyway.
If you read the room right, self-correction becomes easy. To read a room is not to be overly critical, overly sensitive, overly paranoid, overly unreasonable where things have to go your way. I wish men can learn to relax and just chill. I see many men lately so anxious, unsettled and afraid. Not manly. To be a man is to be self-assured, no matter what.
Self-correction calls for sharpening of your intuition, living less on assumption, understanding that you are the sole driver of your life to your destiny. The weak get eaten. The indisciplined lead the most difficult life. The lazy lag behind. And the world doesn’t care. Your mother, may care a bit.
So, my mid-week sermon for you is simple: read the room and know where you are(in life, career, marriage, drinking and spending habits etc.), ask yourself, “is this where I want to stay, to be, for the rest of my life?” Your best answer is the self-correction you need.
Quick PSes
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Pale kwa Muhindi kazi imekuwa mingi, I didn’t send memo No. 183 on the debate about who is a High Value Woman jana. So nitatuma Leo. If you had not asked for it and you need it, WhatsApp me.
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I will be in town, always hala for a book or a drink.
Good days folks.
