Me,Dating apps,Kaput

I still remember like it happened yesterday.

I met the lady through tagged,very attractive on tagged and was to me the lass physically last Friday.I will not share the picture because it turned out that photo wasn’t hers.

So I navigated my way to Space Lounge on Friday night at around 9:30pm to meet Lish(Her name on Tagged).Hmmm I would do all those things I had promised to do to her on phone.Yes the Friday that was.

I got there called her ,she was at the parking waiting but juu sikuwa nimemjua poa I called her again,she was there but a very different person,that is not the face.By then I had already reversed to an empty parking slot,she came closer …something about her though…too much lipstick,curl kitted short hair,nose ring but I said haidhuru,let me have conversation with her tukiwa kwa gari I will make my decision on whether to continue with the game or not.

I unlocked the car doors using the central lock ,she came in.

Wadau she let herself in,a hug followed but that chest noo,it wasn’t like those am used to.It was hard,the grip on me tooo ,hapana…it wasn’t feminine.At that moment a whirlwind of thoughts started going through my mind.

All this time I am like kwani hii sura imechange aje,I rubbed my eyes to take a better look at her,even put on the door light on just to have a good view.

I was right,she didn’t resemble the girl on was a he,Talkers I had a man in my car…the knees,the muscles,the painting on the face told it all.I was dealing with a descandant of @jamba huthu.

“Aiii kwani umeshtuka kwani haujuagi haya maneno” were the next words I heard from the guy,the voice too wasn’t the sweet one I could listen to previously and okoa jahazi just to continue hearing the voice…this one was hoarse…its then I remembered of a meme that went round a while back of a Zuku sales guy who went through a situation in Roysambu.Those USIU ladies will never see heaven…
Well before he even finished what he/she was saying I had already opened my door on my way out but (fuck sedans) I hit my head so hard on the upper part of the door frame but was determined to leave the scene.Nilijisugulia huko mbele…

I had not familiarised myself with the sorrounding so I ran to the direction where I had come from and was lucky to find a soldier at the gate.

I narrated my ordeal,he didn’t seem moved,he laughed instead,nyinyi ndio mnaendeleza ushoga huku…hao watu tunawajuaga,unabahati hawajakupa madawa ulale then wakupeleke kwa nyumba yao wakubake(I touched my thutha just to confirm),pia wanauza sehemu za watu…hujasikia kwani wewe ni mpya hizi sehemu…he kept talking.I didn’t answer him…He was joined by another Watchie,told him my story,together they followed me to my car after like 5 minutes of beseeching them.
The guy had left,left the doors closed,I didn’t wait for the soldier to tell me another thing but jumped in switched on the car and was on my way to leave the space lounge…
The race that followed is a non issue coz I later came to learn I was just confused and was running away from my own illusions…all I know is that I drove all the way up Ngong rd with the aim of joining Southern By pass and head to Kikuyu where I currently live.In my confusion I never took the right turn,I became aware of my location when I saw Ole Sereni hotel,I wanted to do a U turn just right there but a car approaching from behind
made me think the JambaHuthu descendant was in hot pursuit.Again I drove,I joined msa rd,thought of stopping at Nexgen mall but a quick thought told me I will be found there,
Ndiioo mimi huyo up msa rd in no time I was at Nyayo stadium,I guess I missed hitting another motorist by a whisker,whoever it was hooted and hooted,I could still hear the hooting even as I was ascending the last ka-hill just before you see Haile Sellasie roundabout but I was fine,Off I went Waiyaki way,Kikuyu rd and got home.Niligombeza watchie juu ya kudelay kufungua gate(That is what he told the following day).
I got home around 1am safe but heavily shaken.I removed the app from my phone after looking at the ladies pic once more and asked myself so many questions about her.
No more of those apps for me…blame it on our supermarket…my local doesn’t store Arimis anymore…

@Kimakia acha kutubeba maembe.You didn’t run away.We know what happened.Tunakujua.

Tunajua ulidinywa matako. Why did you meet him in the car and not inside the lounge? Ungeinsist. Najua ulikuwa unataka tu kuchunishwa sukuma. Hope haga imepona.

@Kimakia = faggot. Shenji

That’s impossible, pole for the ordeal though

When you encounter the real faggot,you shall cry like a baby,I cried but had no tears flowing

Had thought of using the same lane go trace my way where I had missed the turn,all because in my mind I was all alone

Pole but I think your encounter with gay scenarios is high. Si juzi ulisema you normally see gay adverts on ktalk? This time its a beautiful man on tagged!

Insert Jacob Zuma meme of two fingers.

:D:D:D:D…The village faggot was catsfished by a faggot ! How convenient?
Saitan usitubebe ujinga.

The faggot’s fantasy’s continues in the next episode…

Stay tuned for more faggotry.

I allow you to call me gay but don’t wish for such moment…the guy looked weak,I could box him…but i felt weak…

On another issue,I will be reaching out to you for your fake advice on how to put up executive rentals on a 50 * 100 piece of land…Maximum 3 floors to comprise of 2 and 3 bedrooms.

I know you are sad my buthole is still intact

Pole kimakia… Mimi kwa gari chini ya kiti nakuanga na pepper spray, dagger na njora na boot kuna nyahunyo.

Mwanaume unatumia pepper spray?

The universe is trying to tell you something… These encounters are one ,too ,many.

A very big yes, na pia Niko na taser hii ya kupiga mtu shock. The pepper spray comes in handy when you want to immobilise a target at a safer distance… Hii nairobi shamba LA maw. It may sound feminine but it comes in handy

Huko SJ, WYSIWYG… lakini waweza kulipishwa ukimalizia kwa CD hata kabla hujaingia …


One question to Kimakia … WHY DOES GAAY SH** FOLLOW YOU AROUND ?? :D:D


Niko na rungu ya maasai chini ya kiti ya driver but utambi would have deterred reaching for it,to be sincere on that day I didn’t even remember I had such a weapon.

Post kuchunishwa clarity is what you experienced.