Kuhepa na dem wa wenyewe kwa village dance

Wadau praise the lord. Praise the lord again. Happy new year. Mimi niko na ushuhuda ya new year…

So on 31st mimi huyo nimetoka home kuenda Market kununua miwa na kusafisha mesho na village girls. on the way this girl grabs my hand eti sasa Chris, mbona unanilenga? Told her mimi si Chris lakini bado tunawesa juana. Told me her name pleasantries kidogo then told her good bye na kuendea miwa na eye cleansers before heading home.

Home supper kama kawa was brown ugali na fulu. Huwa tunakula kwa mansion ya wazazi as a family then maboys tunaenda simba zetu huko other corners of the compound. Before nitoke my mom asked if nitaenda nao church asubuhi kuanzisha mwaka na nikasema yes I will. Kufika simba my cousin misee(it’s a name huko nyanza) comes na nduthi with his Chelsea Jersey( sijui why all nduthi guys support Chelsea) and asks if tunaweza enda some dance boi ameleta thum(ngoma) off course I agreed, nikavaa sweater na kutoa rungu kama tatu. You see huko nyanza ukienda disco matanga or just any disco you have to be armed with some rungus, either to scare night runners or to teach your rival some discipline incase he tries to talk to your girl. Kwanza night runners can scare the shit out of you mkitembea ukimbie ujipate in another village na saa hizo ni saa nane usiku. Hekaya for another day.

Haya sisi hao kwa nduthi na rungu zetu hadi kwa akina boi, we get there and already kumejaa. Guys dancing to luo songs, sometimes dj anaweka Bongo songs but mostly luo. Nikitemebea around guess who I see, the same girl who said hi to me when going to the market but she is with some guy who just wont leave her with his boys. Walk over there and say hi then leave. So huko guys just dance and enjoy themselves. No alcohol like Nairobi clubs lakini once in a while kuna mtu who will come with a quarter bottle of some cheap liquor, he will be a celeb briefly, am sure if he vies for MCA there he will win with a landslide. You become a brief celeb. Also there are like 2 bulbs huko mbele for the dj the rest mtasurvive tu lakini ukienda huko nyuma mahali light haifiki utapata mtu amejishika tu na dem hapo ama huko nyuma sana kando ya keja utapata a couple, you don’t need to ask what they are doing unless you are a virgin like @Kimakia

At one point kuna hii tradition ya unalipa pesa to dance with a girl, si pesa mob mostly coins. They call it buying that girl, pesa huendea mwenye ngoma as a way of appreciating them. The MC who also acts as the Dj will call ladies foward, line them up then you select one and dance with her after paying. If you pay less after a few minutes yeye huchukuliwa tena. Sasa when the MC called ladies to go foward yule dem pia akaenda. When it got to her turn to be “bought” i placed a bid of 50 bob (bado naandika manifesto ya MCA, goon wankernyama will be in the campaign team too) no one could match that. Mimi huyo took her to dance. Started telling her sweet nothings while she was just smiling na kuuliza kama ni ukweli.

Nikaambia msichana wa wenyewe tuende huko nyuma ya jikoni juu nimechoka kusimama and she agreed. Went and sat there away from people while telling her sweet nothings and how she is the most beautiful girl south of the equator. Words like “jaber, osiep chunya, baby girl etc” were flying from my mouth while my hands did the walking on her body. Galdem alikuwa ameingia box na nikafunga na padlock. Sasa mjuols nayo ikaanza kuwa na a brain of it’s own which took over the thinking from the main brain the more I moved my hands towards nyapusde the more the lower head nodded. Nikamshow tuende kwangu and she said yes. Nikasmile like Kafura when NYS pennies landed in her sacks.

Sasa hapa there was a problem, ningepita na yeye hapo mbele ya watu her guy angeleta war(which is why we carry rungus) so I call Misee then texted him and told him nyoka amejipa na vile kuna noma ya kutoka. He then texted me a location. Yeye akajitoa kama navy seal, sisi tukajitoa kama Mossad and we met hapo evac point at undisclosed coordinates. We had to hid the rungus in some bush juu hatungezibeba zote kwa nduthi tukiwa wasee watatu and left for home. Misee dropped me kwetu then left for his place. Mimi nikapeleka nyoka kwa simba for further skinning. Fell asleep later only to be woken up by a knock on the window hapo 5. That’s when I remembered I had promised my mum nitaenda church nao yet nyoka bado iko hapo inalala…

Wadau hapa wacheni nilete sketch bana

[SIZE=1]Ayam not used to writting since I use comps 90% and 10% sketch with pencils so msitusi my handwriting[/SIZE]

So to I had to find a way to get her out of the house without being seen by my parents who were outside their crib and had to pass infront of and beside mine when going to church even though kuna fence. Mimi huyo woke her up told her acheze wise kama Messi nikitoka nje Itabidi aende around the house while monitoring our movements hadi tuende before aende kwao. So vile tulitoka I shielded her hadi akaenda nyuma ya keja then vile tulipita akahepa na kuenda kwao. Huko church I was clapping so much acting active ni kama I was the holiest. The even asked kina nani wanajua some church elder. And I lifted my hands the highest yet I did not even who that guy was.

Yesterday she texted and asked “ile date ya Lake Victoria ulisema unanipeleka leo bado tunaenda?” Saa hizo nilikuwa Siarare nikiingia Tanzania.

Gather up, boys and girls, and couch waru. Seat around me, you who flock this village, for i, THE MOST NOTABLE TALKER, need a word with youall.
Of late, or lately, in the recent past, for a while now, this village has seen a flow of new villagers, and an ebb of standards. See, we loke newbies, but, only to stare at and scorn. Not to hear what they have to say, or what they think they have to say. New villagers should of necessity learn the ropes before posting a Hekaya here.Let me elaborate.

See, this village is built on the foundation of Hekaya. Hekaya os the lifeblood of this village. It is therefore crucial for the newbies to tell the difference between A Hekaya and all other stories and shenanigans posted in fb, wazua, jamii forums, tweeter, and other inferior fora. For this village, Kenyatalk reigns supreme.
A Hekaya has three distinct features. One, its based on personal experience. Two, (a)it must involve a Kihiki understanding somewhere, either the protagonist, the antagonist or the just climbed, about to be climbed, climbed oftenly or one who has signed a promissory note to offer a climb. (b) it must involve an animal, preferanly a cat . Ask @kush yule mnono mnono about the cat that made him burn a whole plot, or @uwesmake whose Aunt had reincarnated as a cat. (C) it must potray u as a victor on the end. (d) it must never have a conentional “moral of the story”
3. A Hekaya must never be serialized except where majority of the Elders concur.
Everything else is a story. A story, plus all other everyday whining and crap, come a distant fifth. This is the order of importance in this village. 1 Hekaya 2 Armageddon or Alien landing breaking news, uwesmake momos, all other momos, saccos, . 3 breaking news 4 village wars. 5 stories and crap. 6 cheki maneno.

One more thing, in this village, everything goes…except…mothers. mothers are sacred and should never be embroiled in the crap that rules here.
However, single mothers are game.
Simu imeisha charge jamaneni. Nitamalisia kesho.

courtsey of the MNT @mabenda4

Happy new year @Deorro ,for the 90th time am not a virgin and while at it what is “Fulu”

Your hekaya makes me yearn to be in 20s again

Fulu ni zile omena kubwa. Very sweet especially zile fresh from the lake or zile fried then cooked with milk. Lemme ask my bro to take pics of some, mimi nimetoka ocha

Deorro :D:D tebu malizia hekaya like 1-2 months from now when she calls to say, ‘I’m pregnant.’ And by the way, luwere kikikikk

Uko sawa dear as long as you are born 80s, you’re just a spring chicken. hehe

Leta recipe mzuri kama ya @Gio

Mtoto huja na sahani yake

Hekaya iko na map…

hizi ni tabia za teenager na wewe ni admin? how old is this guy? The hekaya is on point. just curious kidogo.


Enjoy yourself bana. Uaijifanye holy joe na standards mbaya.

Vipi @hakimoto

jakadala, pitia hospitali.

Jakadala lazima tusambaze Nairobi in the spirit of devolution

kabla usambaze utajikuta KNH picha zako zikisambazwa kwa WhatsApp.

Hehe … Ni muhimu kijana ya admin pia apatianako ka hekaya. Hapo kwa rungu, I can relate … saw it once vyenye tulienda lakeside kuzika comrade though huko watu ni vichwa uji wanatembea na spear to mark their territory. @Deorro tafasali confirm hio mambo ya mkuki, then kubinjana ni kwa zile desk (form) huwa zimecombine na seat za chuo za mashinani. Hawatambua mambo ya kulipa lodgo

Mkuki sijawahi ona bana. Hiyo utafukuzwa

Nostalgic, @Deorro huyo bro wako akija mwambie anikujie na fulu kiasi niende nayo coast. Nilikuwa home but sikuwa na enough time ya kuzisakanya

Bwana chang’aa is not a cheap liquor. Hiyo ni super distilled bodka.
Nice hekaya

Huko 10-13 bado utakuwa Nai?

More of non aged whisky