Credit: Wanja Kavengi
I haven’t raised my child well enough. I haven’t written often enough.
I haven’t been myself enough. I haven’t loved myself enough. I have focused too much on what other people think of me. In fact, I have used other people’s opinions of me to form my own opinions of myself.
I have hesitated too much. I have doubted too much. I have carried shame, guilt and regrets with me everywhere I go and worn myself down and out. I have refused to let go what I should have let go long ago and thus lived in decay and stagnation. I have feared myself too much, feared my own power so much that I have easily given it away.
I have not stood up for myself when I needed to. I have not spoken my mind like I’ve wanted to. In some ways I have failed myself. And this failure I have nursed painfully in my heart and allowed it to negatively influence my choices.
I have not listened to my heart enough. I have lived in my head too much. I have worried needlessly. I have fought myself needlessly. I have held myself hostage. I have denied myself freedom. I have lived falsely, halfly, lukewarmly. I have ignored my truths.
I have been proud. I have been vain. I have lied. I have cheated. I have hated. I have discriminated. I have thought myself better than others. I have done things I don’t like to impress others. To get their approval. To earn their love. To fit in.
I have let my low self-esteem get in the way of great opportunities. I have lost when I didn’t think I ever could. I have prayed for death to find me.
I have compared myself with other people. I have felt jealous of their achievements. I have felt sorry for myself. I have been unwilling to be responsible for myself and my life. I have failed to be committed to my personal improvement. I have failed to use my gifts and talents.
When I look back at the life I have lived, I see that I haven’t lived at all. I have only been existing absentmindedly. Of all the mistakes I have made, this might be the most important, the most tragic.
