Iam sitted here having my surper(Githeri Avocado).My sweet msoo is busy watching a Certain Indian Movie where Characters are speaking in Kikuyu.She is always addicted to this programme hence I always have to mind my own business whenever she is watching.I don’t my business out of willingness,no, it’s only that we have always been arguing because each one of us has a favourite program but always broadcasted in different channels.So last month we had to sighn an agreement that was witnessed by three neighbours.It was settled that Muthoni should be in controll of the remote from 7:30p.m to 8.59 p.m.From there I take over and switch to KTN News and 10:00 p.m switch to Gikuyu TV(DJ Afro Movies).
To cut the story short,Iam sitted here having flashBack of today’s event.There an incident that happened in the Morning that left me smiling for the better part of the day.Yesterday I received a Call from a Certain Indian Client whom I was to meet today.Our meeting was to be held somewhere in the streets of Thika.From the way he was talking,I could tell that he was a serious client and there was a high probability that I could land a good deal.We were to meet at 9.00a.m.Having had been so broke for the last one month,I had no single coin in My Pocket.So Last night, before Muthoni slept,I borrowed her Ksh 100 of which I knew i could easily receive it.I had to sound sweet and promise her all sorts of heavenly things;of which I knew they may become a reality just incase things go well after meeting my Indian guy.I even told her to make sure she passed by Mama Kibanda and abuse her abit.After all,our lives will change in the next 24 hours.She finally went back to her Private bank and gave me five 20 bobs which I safely kept them in My wallet.I knew I was sorted with the next day’s fare to Thika.I selected I black designer Suit, a white Shirt and a grey tie and requested her to iron them for the next day was a big day.
So today I woke up very early in the morning,super excited and I kept on Humming to “WalioKudharau siku moja watakusalimia Kwa Heshima”
After breakfast,I hurriedly left towards Nairobi CBD where I boarded a vehicle towards Thika where I took the back seat.We left CBD and at around Fig Tree,Ngara,the vehicle stopped and picked three more passengers.As you all know,one of them was to be squeezed on the back seat and so we were seated the four of us.The Vehicle took off and that’s when the drama Started.
I checked on my pockets and unfortunately,I had left my Wallet back in my Bedroom.This when you realise how saitani is real.I could feel sweat all over my body but I had no option.I took out my phone but unfortunately I only had 2 Bob in my Mpesa.I don’t have a good Credit history with all Money lending agencies including Fuliza and M-Shwari after Branch Listed me with CRB Kindû two years ago.So I had to pull a Quick Move.The Vehicle stopped at Roysambu and passenger alighted as two more boarded.All this time the Conductor had not started collecting Fare.Its at this time a certain dude,who had all physical characters of a Luo from Kisumu or Bondo started complaining on how the Vehicle was Carrying excess passengers.As it is the usual norm,to be a Makanga,you must go through a Unit in Rudeness.So the Makanga replied to the guy by telling him that if he thinks the Vehicle is Carrying excess passengers,he should have worked hard in school,he could have escorted Raila and Uhuru in borrowing SGR money from China.An argument ensued and I saw this one as a golden opportunity for me to save myself out of my current situation (No Fare).I raised my voice and speaked in English of Nose,addressing the Conductor,
“Hey Boss,why are you rude to your customers? Don’t you know that they are your employers?”
As expected,the Makanga could not go down,and he responded to me,
“Brathee,kwani unafikiria wewe ni Nani?Tumeona Wengi na Masuti,wewe Ni Nani Sasa,Mimi huezi niambia kitu Buda”.This the only statement I had waited for.
"Okay Sir,you don’t even have your uniform,you don’t have a badge,yet you are here trying to harass your passengers? It’s Okay,you want to know whom iam?enhe?Then you will know in a few minutes."I responded.With this statement,I saw him come down,and I knew I had hit it while hot.He did not respond and after a few minutes,he started collecting fare.As we were arguing,I had already texted my partner in Crime,Keru Wa Miriyor;
“Manii kaka Mbrasaa i need a Favour,Iam in a Mess and I want you to pull me out.I want you to call me in Five minutes and pretend to be my Worker and respond to what to what I will tell you.Cheza Kama wewe bro.”
After five minutes,Just as as the Makanga was one front seat ahead of me,Keru calls,and I pick.I make sure my phone is in loud Speaker.I lowered the volume though to an extent someone two seats ahead of me could have heard our convo.
ME:Good Morning Bwana Amos? Why have you not been picking my calls?
KERU:Iam sorry boss,I had been busy preparing the clearance forms.
ME: It’s Okay.I want you to pick my Car Keys from Juliet,then go to Davidson Garage,tell them I have sent you to pick it.Then go to Jeremy’s Office and tell him that I need him to accompany you as I want you to meet at Thika Stage in 30 minutes.I have an Important Operation that I want us to carry out.Also remember to inform him that I am in one of the Vehicles that we had looking for.Are we together?
KERU:Yes Sir.
ME:And before I forget,remember to tell Juliet to prepare the boardroom,as I will be having an urgent meeting with all staff members at 2.00.P.M.
kERU:Copied sir.
By all this time,everyone was looking at me,including the Makanga.He didn’t not even collect fare anymore,he went and stood in the front seat.He kept on looking at me.Most Passengers alighted at Kenyatta Road and Juja and by the time we were getting to Thika,we were only three passengers.I could tell that the Conductor and the driver were worried.By the time we got to Thika,the Conductor alighted and I did not alight.He went and had a small conversation with the driver who after a few minutes came and greeted me.
“Habari Mkubwa?Naomba msamaha kwa niaba ya huyu conductor.Nimeishi kumkataza na haskiangi.”
I had to cut him short and I told him of how these guys have taken their acts too far,I even explained to him of how these guys needa a disciplinarian action.He really begged me not take an action and I later pretended to have forgiven them and that is the time his face brightened.All this time I was laughing down my heart,after a few minutes,I faked a Call and left him join other drivers and conductors who had converged in the far corner listen to whatever the Conductor was telling them.
Anyway,today i survived a Massacre.I Don’t how it could have ended especially when other touts would have joined their patner in demanding fare from me.To my brother Keru wa Miriyor,I owe not one…but unlimited.Twethane gathee.

Sijasoma but I have a feeling its a good story that’s why i gave you a like

sounds wanjohi wakegogoineish

Exactly, csi kazi kwenu.
Hekaya iko tu sawa.

Asante Mkubwa.

He Mentored me through these streets

Siku hizi Hekaya zinaletwa huku Ni Umeffi tu.Sijui akina Kush ule mnono walienda wapi.These guys knew what real Hekayas were.

Hekaya safi.


Hii ndio Hekaya Sasa.

sensi i was expecting you to collect a huge bribe from the driver

Hata mimi ningeambia makanga sasa lete handshake. On second thoughts hio handshake can get you into the frying pan.

I had thought of this,but again remember I had just come out of their Jaws.I wanted to be out of that place as soon as possible.Ama ni usikie Nugu inanijua imekuja hapo stage usikie imesema, “Wewe Deezy kwani Avocado zinalipaje siku hizi?Yaani unavaa Hadi Suri?”.
you can guess what would have followed

2019 hekaya zimekauka but hii iko timam

More depressing than news. Keanu hii Ktalk iko na sampuli gani?



Onjohi is a good friend of Mine and a mentor.