Funga mshipi!!!

A while back I was the proud victim of one of the best played robberies I think ever to happen. It is common in Nigeria and known as “Last Chance” where it features an upcountry matatu with only one seat left to fill. To save time, you rush with your luggage and dere ata anaweza tafuta ule mtu amebeba vitu mob/anakaa ana pesa/anakaa hayuko rada, which is what he did in my case. In Naija, however, last chancers can even be human traffickers na utaibwa ata dick yako ikatumiwe kwa uchawi.

So anyway, in Kenya it is a town bound mat. Kutoka Ngara hadi BS Sunday. It took literally 5 minutes. I remember it so vividly so forgive the length and the detail.

My first mistake was kukuwa na laptop ya nguvu na kutoka mashinani weekend nikiishia chuo. Nilikuwa na resit za exams tukiwa long hollz campo (I’m not bright, but you will see…). On campus laptops get stolen and you are always aware of how safe yours is lakini ukiwa home ocha, that is the last thing on your mind. Mat za kwetu huweka mtu Ngara then you take Number 6/9 into town for 20 bob or 120 mats/huge 44 buses to BS for 10 bob. I was a miser.

So, since I had mob exams, I had a change of clothes, Laptop, old notebooks, I think a bedsheets kwa bag na cable ya lapi. Basi ya 44 kunipata Ngara, the stairs and the rush they’re always in seemed too much for my heavy load, nikaacha iende.

Actual Story

The next mat to pull up stopped right in front of me. A guy on that seat in front of the kinda got off, he had a backpack like mine, I remember. So anyway, the mat is now last chance. One convenient seat with even the kaspace kuwekelea bag. Huge mistake. I also had earphones on and a smartphone in my pocket. Nilikuwa naskiza Counting Crows loud enough to block out the world.

Moving to BS from Ngara on Sunday, there was no traffic. The OTC area was completely clear. They first stopped at Riverside, kitu 20 metres from where they picked me up. The guy in from of me, sitting next to the dere and also wearing a bag turned around and shouted at the top of his lungs,“[VINNY], SI HAPA NDIO TULISHIKIWA LAST TIME NA MAKARAO. FUNGA MSHIPI!!!”

There aren’t enough caps or exclamation marks to show how loud he was shouting. He was signalling the team, I think, and making sure I heard and lost my focus. Now I was looking up and down the road for police to decide if I would tie that filthy seatbelt on my clean clothes. They were stopped and the konda was out and someone was alighting. Since I’m right there and he is seeing me fidgeting, he mumbles to no one, “ata wakisimamisha gari ni mimi watauliza si wewe”. I had paused my music because of how loud that guy shouted so I heard and I stopped bothering.

The guy who alighted was told by the shouter, " si hapa, ni pale mbele, rudi kwa gari." But the konda was already back in his seat, na ni hapo mbele tu, he rudely shoved me aside and sat as an extra next to me. Kinda akafunga door, mat ikaanza kuenda. Being from ocha, excess passengers are nothing new, although he wasn’t really excess just not in his seat.

So anyway, he gets more comfortable by pushing me deeper into the seat. Next to me are two twin kids with shaggy hair maybe 9 or 10 years old. They can even fit in one seat. I move and leave my bag huko mwisho ikiwa na core i5. Did I mention the guy forcing himself into my seat also has a bag? And he reeks of alcohol. Being in campo, however, and a bad student at that, day drinking is normal, and most people I know carry bags…

Something tells me, however, this guy might be out to steal, so I hold my new smart phone with one hand and my loaded wallet with the other. The guy is still getting comfortable and decides standing facing me like a face-me is the best way to travel. Being a nisso however, his sweaty face and heff-filled breath are now in my face and I look away to avoid them. I’m still wondering how he plans to rob me when I’m resting a hand on my valuables and I’m watching him. I think about someone having his shoes stolen while he is tying his laces and I imagine myself very intelligent for thinking such a thought and I feel happy and relaxed.

The konda taps me to ask for fare. I give him my 20 bob and make sure to ask for change. Penny wise, pound foolish. Btw ata dakika mbili hazijaisha tangu niingie kwa mat. The guy next to him ( and directly behind me) taps me to ask me to help him find the 10 bob for fare which has fallen in my seat. He has such urgency in his voice and since we’re almost reaching anyway and the twins next to me are helping him search, I decide to help him look for his 10bob.

Last mistake. While I’m looking side to side and lifting my ass off the seat to look for a coin. And with the sweaty drunk further blocking my view. Shouter turns around in his seat, opens my bag and slips out my laptop and puts it in his bag. He then turns back around.

By now, sweaty drunk is sweating so hard, the cap he was wearing fell off. I literally picked it up off my lap and put it on his head for him. He didn’t care, he didn’t even adjust it. Ata angeiacha. The mat stopped and he shot out.

Meanwhile, guy behind me isn’t letting up with the coin. He doesn’t want me to look at my bag which has been raped! Ananishow, ndio hiyo kando ya mguu yako. Hapi! while pointing. By now the mat has stopped and everyone has gotten out. He is still telling me as I take my bag, “ndio hiyo” while pointing at empty floor.

Everyone disappears and I leave him to find his coins. I notice the mat speed off suspiciously but I don’t think anything. It jumped pavements. Then I notice people staring at me but I don’t think, kumbe my bag is open. Bedsheets and boxers are showing. Finally I notice my bag is too light…


izza hii ni Nairobi. one some lady who sat beside me was desperately looking for her fallen 2o bob n they jept telling me to help them. nilimlipia fare from my change


pole man, mimi niliibiwa hp envy pale bilmas but thats a story for another day…

They did an expose on all their tricks a while ago and it helped me a lot. The other thing before upande any mat scrutinize watu wako ndani also avoid kuwa the first passenger unless ni gari ya kuenda ocha. Oh na kama hiyo gari iko na haraka haieleweki hadi hata kama imesimama kwa stage wachana nayo.

The thing I havent mastered yet ni wale wa visu na bag. Ni jioni naingia super nafungua bag naona miguu na floor.

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Sorry bro…at least it wasnt violent.mi niliibiwa laptop nikiwa campo…niliskia kujinyonga.

Pole bro…Welcome to Nairobi.

I took mat at prestige plaza wakaanza hiyo mambo ya mshipi i immediately alighted at the junction , another time i took a city hoppa
ya 46 started the same thing i alighted at Nairobi hospital then waliuwa wamesha ibia mzee mwingine infront of me

Before I panda a mat ,if I see 3/4 are men and my instincts are tellin me something is wrong nawacha iende

Pole this guys seem to come up with new tricks every time.

If I have such luggage, it sits on my lap. Ni hayo tu.

Sijui “Nifungie dirisha”, " nitafutie shillingi" , “funga mshipi yako makarao” are usually the sign of thieves. I think the best thing to do is flip the f*ck out. Tukana mtu. Muite umbua juu anakupima ujinga na umwambie akajitafutie mashilingi zake. Too bad they already have probably all they will ever want from me. Nowadays I’m far less friendly ata ukitaka nikusongee. I will shove you hard.

No macio tu? Kumbe Luther ni mkikuyu?

Hiyo pia ni plan solid lakini. If I’d done that, at least I’d have made them resort to violence or kidnapping. Heri hiyo kuliko kuibiwa kama mtoto.

Ulikuwa mjanja. Where did you hear about it before? Ama ulijua Nairobi hakufungagwi mishipi ni tricks?

They were all kids. Like 20/21 at most. Except hao twins. I think everyone was in on it kwanza. Even me I look around nowadays, kwanza if I smell liquor hatukaanishi kwa a man I. You have stopped being my equal.

Mishipi huwa sifungi kwa mat. Juu fine ni 5sok so afadhali nishikwe than simu iende juu mimi i don’t use a wallet. Lapi nikitravel nayo huwa kwa bag yake which hainiachi hata na dawa

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Mishipi huwa sifungi kwa mat. Juu fine ni 5sok so afadhali nishikwe than simu iende juu mimi i don’t use a wallet. Lapi nikitravel nayo huwa kwa bag yake which hainiachi hata na dawa

@Deorro I was in a very trusting place with life. I’m no longer naive enough to let valuable property lie around willy nilly. Nowadays ni kuhug hiyo shyet.

Kwanza they took my gaming lapi, ile mzito. Ile mkebe nilibaki nayo ata ikaibwa mara tatu haiwezi fikia 1/2 ya bei ya hiyo ingine. Niliibuy second hand bila ata battery. On that day I played eenie minie miny mo and travelled with the wrong one. Kuanza kuchunga saa hii ni 2 little 2 late.

miguu…na…floor! damn!

Hehe, I can assure you, this guys are smarter than the smartest Nairobian


Weka story ya kusukuma hii sunday.

seconded. sunday haiishii

seconded. sunday haiishii