I woke up this morning and said to the wife, “What a dream that was! I dreamt I was involved in a marathon sex session.”
She replied sternly, “I hope I was in this dream…”
“Oh yes,” I replied. “You were making the girls’ sandwiches.”
Touch it gently…
Put 2 fingers inside, if it’s big put 3 fingers in…
Make sure it’s wet…
Rub it up and down…
Yeah…
That’s how you wash a cup
Friendship between Women:
A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend’s house. The man called his wife’s ten best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship between Men:
A man didn’t come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy’s house. The woman called her husband’s ten best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.
Did you hear that the guy who invented Vaseline is up for a Nobel Prize.
He’s been entered in the category of best non-friction.
A marriage guidance councillor asked my wife and I to describe our sex life with a film title,
"Gone in sixty seconds, " said my wife sarcastically,
"Enter the dragon, " I replied.
I was on a date and about to pay for dinner, when I pulled my wallet out and a condom fell out and onto the floor.
Embarrassed, I said, “You can never be too safe right?”
“I suppose not,” she said, disgusted. “Are you not going to pick it up?”
I replied, “Nah, I’ve already used it twice anyway”
A kid asks his father:
- Daddy, why do dogs keep licking their crotch?
- The reason is, my son, that dogs cannot make a paw into a fist.
I got a text message from my wife earlier that read, “I’m lying in bed waiting for you.”
I texted back, “I’d love a shag, babe, but I’m stuck in work.”
She replied, “You forgot I’m having surgery today, didn’t you?”
I was in Edinburgh today, and saw a woman wearing a T-shirt that said, “Yes”.
Long story short, I’m up on a rape charge tomorrow.
Women complain about balancing a career and home life.
They want to try balancing a laptop during a wank!
NASA is currently examining the planet Mars in order to work out why it has changed from warm and wet to cold and dry.
Maybe it got married.
If you’re on motorway and the woman driving in front of you turns on the wipers when it’s not raining, it can only mean one thing…
She will be changing lanes.
My last girlfriend used to call my penis what I thought was a big powerful scary nickname.
She was calling it a ’ Weapon Of Mass Destruction.’
Sounded good, but then I found out she was calling it that because she thought it was really hard to find.
A man hates his wife’s cat so much he drives to the next town and dumps it.
When he gets home, it’s there.
Next day he drives 50 miles and dumps it.
When he gets home, it’s there.
So the next day he drives to the other side of the country and dumps it.
One hour later he rings his wife and asks, “is the cat home?”
“Yes, why?” asks his wife.
“Put the cat on,” he says, “I’m fucking lost.”
Boy: “Do you want to play the fire engine game?”
Girl: “How do you play that?”
Boy: “My fingers are the fire engine and I drive up your legs. You say ‘Red light!’ when you want me to stop.”
Girl: “Okay, let’s play.”
After a few seconds…
Girl: “Red light!”
Boy: “Fire engines don’t stop for red lights.”
A boy came running into his house to his mum excitedly yelling, “Mum, mum, we’re sitting round the neighbour’s watching porn!”
Mum: “WHAT!!?”
Boy: "Relax, mum! It’s child porn!
As I was licking out my secretary today I suddenly stopped and said, “Susan, I can’t do this to my wife.”
“Because you love her?” she asked.
I said, "No, because her pussy stinks.
As the officer makes out the second ticket for careless driving, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Damn it, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”
The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic fine.”
The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”
The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?”
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”
"Only when he’s been drinking