You will remember how, with the help of Githiaka, I climbed the Duchess of Jikaze, the one and only Deborah Magiri. You will also recall that the act happened on the same bed where I was conceived, and left a stench as sinful as the act itself. The episode is documented here in case you missed:
That evening, after my parents came from church, my dad called me aside, and asked me what I did during the day. Obviously, I said nothing. he then told me that the nothing I had done smells like fuck (my dad doesnt mince words), and that I need to confess to him who my fuckmate was. I knew things are thick when he removed his belt from the trousers and demanded an answer. Ok, not really a belt, coz it has seen time and has turned to a string. It thus looks like a whip. When faced by my dad with a whip/belt in hand, I learnt at an early age that the best thing is to confess. I thus made a confession, and mentioned Magiri. I skipped the details of my tutorial.
Have you guys ever seen a chameleon high on weed? It changes colors randomly, and that is exactly what my dad did. He was green, then red, then blue, then black, and finally purple.
Dad: Kihii giki kai utari hakiri? Ona akorwo ni kuhaicana, mundu ndagiethaga kimundu githaka. Riu kiu ni giko kiriku uthicire? Ki-iritu kiu i-gitiraruire dithemba? ureciria kihaicitwo ni miti iigana? Korwo nikumera imeraga giti-ini kiu giake gutingiri mutitu mutumanu kuri marimaneti.(My kipii, dont you have head? Even if it is climbing, you look for a beautiful people. What trash is that you fucked? Didnt that girl cut clitoris last December? how many trees do you think have climbed her? If they were to grow on her pussy, it would be a forest thicker than Marmanet)
Atheist: " Aca dad, ndikwendaga, niwe ukire atari thuruari ndagwa mnagerio-ini. Nii ndikwendaga ni gwikora ndikorire ho" (Sorry dad, I didnt want to do it. She came commando, and i fell into temptation. I just found myself there)
Dad: Egukite gwika atia? To gukorwo ni ng’ombe yao ekurehete ihaishwo murie mbeca nake. Na i-nduranjiire mbeca haha muthenya ungi? Ngoma ino ndukurara muoyo. (What had she come to do? Could it be that she had brought their cow for serving while I am away so that you eat the money? Didnt you steal money the other day from me? This devil, you will not sleep living).
Atheist: Aca baba, nindauga ni sori, na ndigacokera (Sorry dad, will not repeat)
A whip landed on my face, coiling across the ears. My dad pulled, and I rotated like mbiruri (dont know english name), and then again the whip was on my legs. Within a second, I was down, and was experiencing a mob justice from one man. Wacha nichapwo. Reke nogorwo. Until I pooped on myself. That is when he stopped. He ordered me to get two stools from the house, coz he wanted to have a discussion with me. I obeyed. We sat down for a father-son talk.
Dad: Ndirenda gukwira maundu matatu. Wambere, mundu ndathicanagira gitanda kia nyina. Wakeri, giti gitiguragwo na mbeca. Niwonaga ndume ino yakwa ikiriha yahaica ngombe ciene? Niuraigua? (I want to tell you three things. One, you dont fuck on your mothers bed. Two, never pay money for pussy. Do you see my bull pay when it clmbs others’ cows? You hear?)
Atheist: ii nindaigua baba (Yes I hear dad)
Dad: Wa gatatu, na niguo wa bata muno, ona ungithicana atia, ndungithica mwaki. Ureciria thicite atumia aigana tiga nyukwa? (thirdly, and most importantly, even if you fuck how, you can not fuck fire. How many women do you think I have fucked besides your mother?)
Now the last question was hard to answer. My dad had a reputation of climbing any beautiful woman in his days as a home guard. That was of course before poverty struck him after independence. I thus humbly answered “ndiui baba” (I dont know).
Dad: Ndungimenya tondu wi mukigu ta nyukwa. Thikiriria na uthikiririe wega: Ucio Magiri urathicire ni mwari wa nyukwa. Nii ndathicite nyina ahika. ninii ndaturiire mukurinu ucio mwitaga kihoto (You cant know coz you are stupidier than your mother. Listen and listen well. That magiri you were climbing is your sister. I fucked her mother after their wedding. I took her virginity on behalf of that man you call Kihoto- baba Magiri).
Now, ladies and gentlemen, you will pretend to be surprised, but it is because you are hypocrites. Know henceforth that real Borne-again Corinthians dont know how to ferk, and rely on instructions from their priest, or in his absence, a respectable man like my dad. And that is how my dad effered mama Magiri in the pretext of teaching the man how it is done. Didn’t Githiaka also do the same to me? It is a tradition, and we respect it.
So, my dad was telling me that he is a sharp shooter, and that Magiri is my sister.
Atheist: Na nikii Magiri acong’ihire uguo ndahana ta Mukami witu? (Then how comes Magiri is such ugly and doesnt look like our Mukami?)
Now I don’t know what was wrong with that question, and have never known to date, but even before I finished asking, season two of the world war on Atheist was declared. I received 16 hot slaps that left me nose-bleeding. Ok, not 16, am exaggerating. They were 15.
Dad: Ni muchong’i na ukimuingiria muthita nduronaga uguo? Kana riu urenda kuhaicha mwari wa nyukwa tondu niwe muthaka? (She is ugly and you couldnt see when you were climbing her? or now you want to ferk your sister because she is beautiful?)
Atheist: Aca baba, ndiuma na uuru. (No dad, I didnt have bad, twas just a question).
And thus, my friends is how I paid the price of climbing Magiri on my parents bed. The meeting was called off. peace prevailed for the next 27 days. Until shit happened.
I know that you don’t know that the Great Fuck with Magiti led to conception. I guess some beds are made for reproduction, not pleasure. Because the mattress on that bed offers little comfort from the wire-mesh where it lies, its sole purpose must be to enhance reproduction. See, it has been (ab)used by my dad since kingdom came- climbing mum, making children, wetting it sometimes when drunk- but it served its purpose. Magiri conceived. The news of her conception were not known until a month later when she came home and dropped the bombshell. Ok, it didnt sound like a bomb then, coz all she said is that she had missed her moon. Ama month. Not sure. I remember the day was a Saturday, and Magiri had brought their cow for climbing by our bull. I inquired what missing the month meant. She just laughed like the kariko she was, and told me to meet her tomorrow at their home for full details. As a wise man, I visited my personal consultant on matters climbing, the one and only Githiaka. I told him what Magiri had told me. He looked at me with pitiful eyes and said, “Mundu wakwa, wee niwathira. Niwahira mwana wene ihu” (My person, you are finished. You have fertilized someone’s baby). That is when I knew things are thick. We agreed I go see and hear what Magiri says, then I meet him in the evening with updates so that he can help me plot the way out. At a price of course.
I went tomorrow. I found Magiri washing her only dress coz the next day was a school day. She had a lesso around her waist, and a segenge-ni-ngombe t-shirt that was once white, but now its color was soil.
Magiri: Ngoma ino niwoka kuona ihu riaku? (This devil you have come to see your pregnancy?)
Atheist: Nikii wanyambia na irumi (Why start me with abuses?)
Magiri: Ii tondu nduri hakiri. Weciragia wathicaga niguo ki, na ona ndiaiguire wega? Kimenye ati riri ihu ndiraruta ta riria ria Wahinya wanyu. Ona nii no hike gwa itonga.(You have no head. You thought you ferked me for what, and i didnt even feel good? Know that i am heavy, and this child am not removing like the one for Wahinya wenu. I can also get married to rich family).
Now, for those not in the know, Wahinya was my elder brother who had died last year of that year. People said he died of a new strange disease that came from climbing, but I knew he died from hunger because he was sooo thin before he died. The ungrateful doctors wrapped him in polythene before he was buried. RIP Wahinya.
Atheist: Aca, nii ndiregete gukuhikia. Ona i tiguo ndakwirite hindi iria ndakuragia kana no ureke twendane (No, I have not refused to marry you. Isn’t that what I told you when I was borrowing you?)
Magiri: Nindaigua, ngoma ino. Uka twambe tuthicane tucoke tuinuke kwanyu thaaa ici. Ndurandiga guku (ok, this devil. come we climb first before we go to your home right now. You aren’t leaving me here).
And with that, she lifted her leso and bent forward, and continued washing. She was free inside. Except for the awful smell and some un-wiped fecal matter on her anus, I didn’t have major issues climbing her. Again, am a fast learner, and quickly navigated my way to her dirty smelly cunt. I poured within less than a minute.
Friends, I tell you a loaded scumbag is a bad thing. Until then, I hadn’t thought of how to handle the situation, but after pouring, I remembered that she was expecting me to take her home, to be my lawfully wedded wife, to cherish, to hold and to love Magiri, till death do us part. I had to hatch a plot, but to be honest, I am not smart on such matters. Where is Githiaka? Ngai wakwa uka na ndugatumane. (My God come and do not send messenger)
As I was thinking what not to do or do, Magiri got into their hut and came back a few minutes later with a green paper-bag that contained all her earthly belongings. She put the green dress that she was washing in another paper-bag and handed it to me.
Magiri: Ke, ino ni nguo ya muhiki waku. Tuguthii kumithambiria mbere (Shika, this is dress of your bride. We shall wash in advance).
And that, my friends is how I found myself on the road to our home with my Magiri. Still planless on how to get out of this shiet.
To be continued