Good morning, nilikuwa kazi out of town ndio maana hekaya ikachelewa kidogo. Apologies. Na kwa mandugu wote, one message; Bros before hoes. Hoes aint loyal as you will soon see.
Where I come from, there is a term “kakwanire” to mean the meeting of souls. It is used in cases where two related individuals share a natural bond and are virtually inseparable. In effect, it can be summarized by the saying “birds of a feather flock together”. There is that one relative of the same gender whom you are really attached to. It is like your spirits are joined together by a permanent glue. The death of one has a profound effect on the life of the other.
Our extended family is a deeply religious family. Actually the local church was established on our ancestral land. As such, all the four generations have been exposed to a Christian upbringing. I belong to the third generation (1950-1996). As expected, there has always been a silent code of conduct to adhere to. Central to this code of conduct is the requirement to attend church and shun all forms of “vices” particularly drinking, smoking and womanizing. However, “black sheep” always manifest from such families.
Now there was this Uncle of mine who was such a black sheep called J. We used to call him Uncle J. This man really enjoyed living. He was married to two women, used to drink a lot na alipenda Malaya sana. A sitting would not be complete bila yeye kukula poko. This habit really scandalized our family mpaka wazazi wakaanza kutumia Uncle J as an example of tabia mbaya ya watu wenye wataenda kwa shetani. There were others ambao walikuwa na tabia kama yake the only difference being that this Uncle J was not a hypocrite. Alikuwa anafanya mambo yake wazi which made me really like him coz pia mimi mambo ya hypocrisy sijui. He was particularly fond of me because I was secretive enough unlike my cousins who would snitch on him to his wives, brothers and our grandfather and grandmother. In addition, alikuwa na kagari fulani kazee we would use for our patrols. You know how boys love cars. He actually taught me how to drive at an early age, albeit in the village. We were virtually inseparable despite the age and generational differences. When I was introduced to beer by friends after kumaliza class 8 and Uncle J discovered, he was so happy that now he had a disciple (read fellow black sheep) from within the family. He would regale me with stories from his drinking escapades.
By the time I was in form 2, and this is where real rebellion manifests, nilikuwa mlevi kweli. During holidays, I was my Uncle’s designate driver during his escapades (Upuzi ya alcoblow na roadblocks ilikuwa haijafika mashinani). I actually had my first tryst with a poko courtesy of this Uncle and I really thanked him for that. Through this, nilikuja kujua all his mipango ya kandos all of whom were very fond of me. They at times gave me money. Since there were no mobile phones then, I was the messenger shuttling messages around. My Uncle actually gave me this task coz alijua siwezi beba maneno ya hapa nipeleke pale.
One Christmas day, my Uncle asked me to escort him to meet a new catch at a bar some distance from home. Being a Christmas, nilikuwa nimeng’ara mbaya. Kufika, having one two with my Uncle, dem yellow yellow akaingia. Mrembo kuruka. Na tako si tako. Halafu unajua madem wa siku hizo matiti ilikuwa imesimama sio kama wa siku hizi dem ako twenty but matiti inafika kwa tumbo. My estimation was that she was one or two years my senior. Nikashindwa kwani Uncle siku hizi anakulanga vifaranga but nikamwambia dole. Unajua usiwahi dharau wembamba wa reli.
Sasa tumeketi stories na kumeza tuu. Kwani iko nini, it is Christmas. Kidogo, this lady started flirting with me. Mara ananikazia macho, mara Uncle akienda kukojoa anaanza kupiga story vile watu hudinyana, mara anakaa design ya mimi nione kamisi yake(If you were born after 1990, maybe haujui kamisi ni nini, it was very fashionable then). Sasa mimi Magreb niko hapo nacheza ndogo lakini natamani but because of the respect I had for my Uncle, nikasema huyu ni mgeni wa Uncle so kaa kando. Now, my Uncle being street smart, it didn’t take him long to decode what was happening. Akaniambia twende inje tuonge kidogo. Sasa mimi namfuata roho ikidunda nikifikiria amejam na mimi. Kufika nje, you will not believe what happened next. My Uncle alinishika shoulder akaniambia Magreb, unajua wewe ni kijana yangu mpendwa sana. Nikasema eehh. Akaniambia ameona huyo dem kuna vile ananipenda na ananitamani. Sasa as his favourite nephew, he was willing kunipea cross roho safi nijibambe na yeye Christmas.:eek: Akaendelea kusema yeye ni mtu wa watu so akitaka dem mwingine atapata tuu. Weee, sema kufurahi na kuogopa at the same time. Nikaambia Uncle wacha mzaha. Akasema si mzaha, tumetoka mbali na wewe Magreb, you are like a brother to me. Vitu zangu ni zako,o_O infact nipelekee home ndio urudi at least hivyo, huyo dem atarelax nisipokua.
My friends, si Peugeot 404 ilikula barabara. Nilisindikiza my Uncle mpaka kwa gate na kumake a three point turn vile Uncle J alinifunza. Na kumbuka saa hiyo ameniwachia gari, amenidunga 500 na condom za serikali zile za silver. Wacha rubber isiage lami nikirudi kwa bar. Kumbe Uncle had also ordered the lady ani treat hiyo siku. Kuingia napata dem amemaliza drink. Ako zile Magreb twende. Nililipa bill mbio mbio na kuingia Peugeot na zawadi yangu ya christmas from my favourite Uncle.
FFWD – Kesho yake 26th December, there was a family meeting (every 26th of December we hold a family meeting) where every family member is required to attend. Sasa saa hio mimi na Uncle J tunacheka cheka tu kama hyenas watu wanashanga what is wrong with this guys. I was actually giving Uncle Jairo a post mortem of what transpired. When I told him how I licked it and hit it doggy, alicheka sana since him being old school, he said he has never tried doing that. (I had actually seen this in a porn movie kwa video hall at the local shopping centre and was trying it for the first time. Si dem aliwika, though before niingize deki kwa nyap niling’ang’ana kidogo). Yeye yake ilikuwa ni kuburst a nut and that was it.
PS. I thank God for the gift of Uncle J. Though long gone to join our ancestors, he still lives in my heart. He taught me to be a man. Despite his unorthodox approach to life, he was a very strict displinarian which might sound as an oxymoron. I only took beer with him during the holidays. None of his wives or children were allowed to engage in any form of madness. His dream for me despite all the madness ilikuwa nisome nipate PHD. I am headed there in his honour. He really believed in education. Kuna time in 1999 his only son alikuwa suspended from school juu ya cases za ufala. Siku ya kurudi shule, since I was free nikingoja kuingia college, he requested me to escort them. Case kuisha wakati wa corporal punishment, akasema Magreb nishikie hii ng’ombe. Mimi nikashika kijana kichwa nikaweka katikati ya miguu na kumshika mikono. Ile unapaka rasa na mgongo pekee ndio iko exposed na huwezi jitoa. Kijana alionwa vita mpaka deputy headmaster had to intervene. One thing he couldn’t stomach was lazyness and dishonesty. He inculcated a culture of hard work and thoroughness in us. RIP Uncle
reminds me of my unlcle J.J. aka '