Chigali Chronicles

Son of a bitch!! Motherferkerz! Shit! DAMN!!
You might wonna ask why i am cursing but am about to give you my Kigali plight:
As you may not have realized, I was offline for a couple of days.
Well, I had traveled to the land of a thousand hills, the land of the Hutu and land of the Tutsi. Rwanda.
In my line of work, I carry out some research on the populations especially the rural population dwelling mostly on their social economic activities bluh bluh bluh.
So I landed on a Monday and was to carry out my reasearch for six straight days. Starting from the eastern town of Rusumo, to the central city of Kigali, Butare to the south, Goma to the west and Ruhengeri to the north.
Rwanda is a small country, like the size of central province and Nairobi combined so its easy to traverse the region. The roads are good, very good.

On Thursday i was carrying out my research in an around Kigali (Chigali according to how they pronounce it)

So i finished my assignment mapema, headed back to my hotel, wrote a report and sent it to my boss.
I looked at the time and it was around 5 pm. I called out my cab guy cum interpreter( Most Rwandans speak Kinyarwanda and a bit of French). I told him we hit out and see the city a bit.
First we headed to Car Wash, a popular Kenyans spot. We ordered some ribs and the local beer.
I was given a beer called Mutzig which came in 750ml bottle. I was having my 2nd when the ribs were served with Ugali, (also known as Kaunga.)
The meal was to say the least, Delicious! Thank you Mr. Wahome for the great service.
After the meal, I downed some two more mutzig and that’s where the drama began.
I told the cab guy that we get out of Car Wash and head to a ‘more friendly joint’. He nodded and off we went.
I can’t recall the name of this joint but when i entered i noticed the Rwandese beauties for the first time. Weweeeeeee. wacha tu. The fisi within was awaken from the deep slumber.
“My friend, I have to excuse myself, because I travel far and i am a bit drunk” My cab guy told me. “But do not worry because your hotel is just across the road over there” He said as he pointed to the direction. True to it the hotel was just about 50 metres away.
The alcohol in me calculated and confirmed that this was a safe MSD (Minimum staggering distance). I had also come to realize that Kigali was very safe at night. Soldiers patrol every corner of the street, just in case the ‘Intera Hamwe’, the Hutu Militia hiding in DRC ,decided to come back

“Sawa, I’ll pay you for today, then pick me tomorrow by 8 am”.
I paid his money and off he went.
I sat at the counter and started engaging the waiter and watching some live match on TV, which was strategically fixed above the counter.
Ghafla bin Vuu!
Some two Ngeos were seated next to me. My fisi instincts exploded. One was HOT (or so i thought) and the other was hotter!
I engaged both of them immediately, both of them. (damn!)
Suddenly I was the bull of Auckland and my mind (both of them!) told me that hizi nyoka mbili naeza kukamua.
Hapa ndio napumua kidogo nakukemea pepo za hii kijiji for the influence! Shidwe! Riswa! Riswa!!
“Hey you, can we have a threesome?” I went straight to the point.
“No problem, Just buy us beer as we talk about it” One of them replied.
Jackpot!(I congratulated myself).
I ordered their beers and they actually changed seats so that I was actually seated in the middle with free access to touching touching and fondling their Makus.
Somehow, The hotter chick all of a sudden immediately excused herself and left, after receiving a call.
My dream for a threesome went up in smoke, “but haidhuru ata matumbo ni nyama. Nitakamua hii kamukamu” I consoled my ego.
I told her we go to the hotel and off we walked after paying the waiter and buying a pack of CDs.
At the hotel reception, the receptionist, guy who was not so fluent in English, pulled out a piece of paper and told me “sign here!”
I signed and the Ferker gave me the keys to my room.
I took her to the room and bluh, bluh bluh, yes, we reached the threshold (@Female Perspective can relate) then slept.
5 am: I woke up switched on the lights and DAMN! DAMN DAMN! What did I just ferk? The girl was as ugly a ferk! Shit! I cursed myself as post nut clarity and soberness settled in.

I immediately woke her up and told her that she had to leave> Immediately.

“That will be 70,000” She said
“70,000 what?” I asked.
Ok for those who dont know, faranga is Francs, the Rwanda Currency.
75,000 faranga is equivalent to about 10,000 Kenya Shillings! Yes sir 10 furking Ks.
“No way!” I shouted. You want me to pay you 10K just for a one night stand? Hell NO! I told her as i remembered, the other hekaya I told you of 24K.:smiley:
“It’s 25,000 faranga per shot, that’s what you agreed” She said and she was as calm as I don’t know what.
“Its 75,000 or we go to the Police” She calmly concluded as she headed to the bathroom.


In my pocked i had about 4K in Kshs. So there I knew I had to carry out the NEGOTIATION of my life. Or Else this would be Ndrama, in some foreign land.

Time check: 5.49 am local time.

She freshened herself in the bathroom for like 10mins.
Let me tell you. We negotiated for a whole 2 hours, and finally she agreed to take my 4k. :mad::mad::mad::mad:
My 4 hard earned Ks. Ferk!
The moment she grabbed the money, I threw here out of the room.
I went back to the bathroom, freshened and hurriedly dressed so as not to keep my cab guy who was waiting outside.
As I dropped the keys at the reception, the lady who had taken over the day shift shouted. “Sir, that would 45,000 faranga for yesterday”
What? (I used to pay about 25,000 per day). Why? I asked.
“Because of that woman you bring yesterday night, You signed here! SEE” she shouted in broken English as she showed me that ‘contract’.
The other guest who were leaving the hotel stared blankly at me.:eek:

I almost slapped that receptionist, but nikatulia. I paid the money using my Debit Card.
I went back to the room, gathered all my belongings and stormed out of the hotel.

“How was your night My friend?” The cab guy asked asked.

“It was great! I slept like a baby” I responded vowing never to tell him what hand transpired the previous night.



We don’t stop people from participating for such prizes but it is cautionary to ones mental health not to push themselves into winning and dominating such competitions

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D…ferk…I can totally relate. Rwanda is the country that I went to for three months (last year) and totally fell in love with it. Looks like you went to a club called +250. There’s another one I used to go to called Ogopogo and my God, it had beautiful non-hooker Rwandese girls most of whom had grown up in France or the US, ferk.
I also went to a house party and girls in the house party (campo chicks) happened to love Kenyans.
I had crazy fun in that country so much that when my assignment period ended, the thought to quit my job and start something there lingered in my mind.
Man, umenikumbusha mbali jo!!

:DI tell you the things men go through.

Brother the drink is Mitsingi, the other one is Primus, hehehe, you were just drunk thats why them bitches messed u, also acha ulafi kaka, hii umangaa yako ya kenya punguza, heshimu kuma ya nyarwanda hata kama ni on’gon’go, na liwe funzo kwa Fisi wengine

hekaya chonjo. hamna Heineken, Windhoek, Tusker?

Ok, Kigali niko kwa jam nakam.

Tusker ziko. But unajua if you go to Rome…?

:D:D:D Only on @Keffjoinange Live!

Hehe kwisha!


Ajaweka pics bado

What I disliked about Kigali :

1.Freedom.This is an alien phenomenon there. Kuna tension everywhere. Hata kupiga picha ni shida.

2.Wall sockets are not the usual shapes like here in Kenya.

3.Door handles are all on the RHS of the door. Feels odd opening a door from that angle.

4.You carry your logbook in your car all the time. When stopped for a traffic offence you surrender the logbook.

5.Guys are obsessed with money. You will hear the word ‘Amafaranga’ almost every corner regardless of age or gender.

6.The police and military are so friendly and polite you may think they are letting you go only to spend two nights in a cell.

What I love:

1.Very good internet speeds.

2.Good airport services.

3.This should have been number one. The women there are nice. Beds in lodgings are covered na ile kitu huzuia watoi mkojo(don’t remember the appropriate name).

4.The food is nice and plenty.

5.The city is clean. Every first Saturday of the month is communal clean up.

6.Business people are honest. You will receive your pay for the job done.

7.Nimechoka kutype…


Hehe, had an almost similar experience. This time it was Goma. Morning kunguru inaitisha ati minimum ni $50 without blinking. Mimi hapo nimepea yeye $15. She calmly added that she is asking politely but and not leaving the room but things could change if I don’t cooperate. Having interacted with congo police niliteremka reception and changed 100 dollars in fifties, gave her and kicked her out

Pole sana. Lakini I am laughing kiasi. Don’t ask me why as I can only tell you some of my friends are based in Rwanda which is true. But…now you know. Ulevi in a foreign country alone izanonononoooooooooo. Also hii Ktalk inaweza kukutupa bro. If I took Ktalk to heart I would never ever date a Kenyan dude.

I have read all that… That will be 2900 Faranga!!!
What? You signed here!

All in the name of puthy?
Ha, ha!

After looking up the exchange rate 1 Kenya shilling =0.067 Rwanda franc. Therefore she was asking only 5k from you not the astronomical figure you make it sound.