What to do when the condom gets stuck inside a lanye

[Jack_Black]

Hekaya time

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A few years ago, I was driving through Nairobi when due to some miscalculations pale Sultan Hamud, I got stuck in that nightmare Uhuru highway traffic jam before the expressway was built. By 8.30pm or so, I was stuck somewhere around capital centre and my journey was to end at Nakuru before midnight.

Since this was not looking possible, I decided to check in on my homeboy pale Parklands near Kenya School of Law.. hopefully bribe him with some drinks at a local and then continue my journey or worst case scenario, crash at his place.

After visibly growing older in that shitty traffic, I made it to the old turning at museum hill TWO HOURS later, and headed to his flat which thankfully was less than 10 mins from the main highway.

I reach the guy’s house and I find he’s beefed with his then girlfriend, so hiyo usiku ako solo.. by which I mean his girlfriend had left in a huff, and he’d invited some hoodrats for some PS4 shit or something. Swafee.. now I know I won’t even crack 1k to get a good night’s sleep.

After the niceties were over, (and a few blunts to help everyone think), I pull the guy aside and tell him I’ll buy him a few rounds if he lets me crash the night.

‘What about these hoodrats?’ - he asks

‘IDGAF mate, I just need some sleep. And 4 beers is my only offer’ - I reply

‘Aite, bro.. lemme organize.’

So we kick out those ugly ass bitches and head out for the promised drinks.

Now those who are familiar with parklands, you know that the place has a bar every 300m.. he picked some rubbish one and he orders ‘mbili mbili’ kama kawa na smokies za rwabe.

We slowly imbibe our drinks, while watching some bullshit ligue 1 game with unpronounceable names.

Around midnight, the lanyez start coming through as is normal with this place. For the uninitiated, never pick up a prostitute before midnight. Those are the ones who will steal your shit or stab your ass if you don’t pay, since they reeeally need the money.

Anyways, back to hekaya.. a couple of fatties join our table when we’re on our third bottles.

‘Not interested’ - I growl at one of them before she’s even sat down properly. Remember I’m bribing this fucker for room and board, lanyez wasn’t even in the top 10 things on my mind.

‘Kuma ma-’ and the other expletives are returned in the usual fashion..

‘Yeah, yeah, get outta here you fat fuck.. and eat a fucking carrot every once in a while umbwer tagataga ya manispaaa’ - @Jack_Black level sweeps making it into the real world.

My homie is dead on the floor laughing at this point, hadi the near tables are giggling coz damn, those hoes were outmatched. A rare feat in Nairobi. Fearing more drama, the bouncer (let’s call him onyi, because obviously that’s his name) suggests the hoes leave and sit somewhere else.

‘Toa whale oil hapa.. kanono kajinga hii!’ I manage to sneak in a last one as they leave.

Homie comes back up and he orders the final round.. by now it’s past 1AM, and I’m feeling sleepy.

‘Bro, maliza tuishie, mi staki kukaa sana nimalize za gede’

‘Sawa’ - the drunk fucker says. ‘Tuishie.’

The minute those famous last words can out of his fat mouth, three of the flyest bitches you’ve ever seen in your sad lives check in and Onyi points them to the table with the previous fatties, which has stayed unoccupied since the fat trio were relocated to some invisible table near the washrooms (toilets are found only in cheap clubs).

Let me tell you maina, those bitches walked in like the opening scene of Ruby, whoever remembers that soap opera. Personally I don’t think I’ve seen more beautiful lanyez ever since that day.. but eh, hoes are hoes.

‘Cheki maneno’ - My homie says.

‘Umbwa hii.. hebu tuishie.’ - I say.

‘Ziii.. I know this bitch. Acha nimgotee’ - Judas says

And then the fucker actually calls them over. They oblige for some reason and walk over to him first.. and then one of them offers me a hand in that featherlight handshake Nairobi girls do.

They sit down, and immediately, the waiter brings over 4 more drinks. I swear at Judas Brutus IV kindanindani for making me dig into my fuel money, but postpone my anger for after I get out of this shit.

.
.
.
.

Two hours later, all 5 of us are at his house. Out of nowhere, the guy produces the strongest weed ever from sijui where. We start smoking up, one thing leads to another, and by 5AM, we’re in separate rooms.

Obviously he’s taken the matako kubwa as you’d expect of primitives, leaving me with the 2 slimfits. Both are high as fuck and naked by now.. (there’s a short hekaya as to how that happened, but that’s for another day)

‘Do you have rubber?’ - Pengting A asks

‘Of course I do’ (I always keep some in the car, because I’m an adult)

‘It’s OK, I have some in my purse’ - Pengting B says. Great, now I don’t have to run downstairs with an erection.

Man, she produces those red ugly government issue condoms.. (shiiiiii-, wtf is this??)

I can see Pengting A is also concerned at the cheap ass contraceptives.

‘Hizo zitaburst’ she says.

‘No they won’t’ Ms. Cheapass retorts.

Fearing this might get out of hand before I even get my dick wet, I grab one and put it on. Shii, I’m not risking blue balls after wasting half my gede cash on randoms.

I grab the cheap ass first, as you’d expect.. she gets to try her own smelly ass condoms first. We go at it for about 10 mins while the other one is rolling up, but the lack of grip is really ruining it for me.. and the smell, jeez what the fuck do they coat those things in? Like shit man.. that stuff stinks.

I withdraw without nutting, hoping to recover somehow with this other one who is clearly not used to rolling joints in less than 4 hours.. she obliges no problem, as she smokes a long draw, then passes it over to her friend and starts making those fake moans. Eh, can’t complain, at least I’ve been in two different pussies tonight.

‘Haiya, kwani unanikula raw??!!’ - the sound cuts through the night like a rock through glass.

‘Huh??’ - obviously I don’t care at this point.

‘CD imeburst!!’ - exactly the words you don’t want to hear from a pretty prostitute.

With the mightiest of effort I manage to withdraw my dick from her garden of eden and sure enough, there’s no rubber.

‘What the f–!!!’ - I say

SLAP! - her hand replies.

‘Shit.. what the actual fuck???’ - All the ethanol vanished from my bloodstream when I saw my gleaming mjuols without any protection.

Ms. Cheapass is calmly watching the scene.. then almost lazily says, ‘labda imeburst ukweli’

I’m like, this stupid bitch had better not given me some lip after I just got slapped by someone who’s probably given me a disease with initials. I was ready to jump out the fucking window just then wadau..

‘Ebu chuchuma niangalie’ she says..

‘Ebu gimme that fucking joint’ I say. All those SCAD messages from high school flash through my mind.

'Fwwwrrrtttt, fwrrrrrrt.. ’

‘What the fuck is that’ I ask.. head full of weed and existential dread.

‘Fwwwwrrrtttttttt… ffttttt.. fttt…’

The other chick starts laughing at the sound, which I then work out is a queef. The sound a vagina makes when air is expelled from it. She was basically giving birth to a condom.. something you don’t see every day in life.

‘Fwwwwrrtttt.. imetoka???!’

After a couple more minutes of the world’s worst airhorn, the chick births the mangled remains of those POS condoms.

‘Fuck.’ - I say.

---

Do not use cheap condoms unless you want to hear the world’s worst, and smelliest freno.

Signed,

Jack Black.

[Simiyu22]

@Jack_Black

…vagina makes when air is expelled from it. She was basically giving birth to a condom.. something you don’t see every day in life.
‘Fwwwwrrtttt.. imetoka???!’
After a couple more minutes of the world’s worst airhorn, the chick births the mangled remains of those POS condoms.
‘Fuck.’ - I say.

Do not use cheap condoms unless you want to hear the world’s worst, and smelliest freno.
Signed,
Jack Black.

Lakini how do you guys manage to smoke weed in apartments without alerting the whole neighborhood. That pungent odor likes to stay on ground level without dispersing quickly. I take walks jioni and there’s specific houses wreak of weed and these are fenced off. But you can smell it strong.

[Jack_Black]

No one cares in some of these flats since everyone is doing it. You only get issues if you’re in houses with mothers or muhindis.

[lukka]

Sijasoma.
Lakini huwezi kosa “you guy my guy” kwa hii composition

[kijanaKumbaf]

@Simiyu22

…
Do not use cheap condoms unless you want to hear the world’s worst, and smelliest freno.
Signed,
Jack Black.

Lakini how do you guys manage to smoke weed in apartments without alerting the whole neighborhood. That pungent odor likes to stay on ground level without dispersing quickly. I take walks jioni and there’s specific houses wreak of weed and these are fenced off. But you can smell it strong.

No none cares about weed anymore.where I stay from the 2nd floor to 6 th floor huwa ni hio smell and no one cares

[Bigjohn]

@Jack_Black

…vagina makes when air is expelled from it. She was basically giving birth to a condom.. something you don’t see every day in life.
‘Fwwwwrrtttt.. imetoka???!’
After a couple more minutes of the world’s worst airhorn, the chick births the mangled remains of those POS condoms.
‘Fuck.’ - I say.

Do not use cheap condoms unless you want to hear the world’s worst, and smelliest freno.
Signed,
Jack Black.

Jack black should wear the right condom size for his tiny dick.

[Jizman]

@Jack_Black

No one cares in some of these flats since everyone is doing it. You only get issues if you’re in houses with mothers or muhindis.

It depends. Nimewai kaa kwa a spacious apartment ya nugu flani alikuwa CID from what I gathered. The apartment was still under construction with only 5 units and tenants wote were families except me. I could bring friends and smoke with them and even when alone. Jamaa alikuwa ananiuliza maswali za kijinga tukikutana design ya CIA probably hoping for contradictory answers. Eventually fala alinikatia stima wikendi mzima and when I told him to fix it he took his sweet time only to restore power on Sunday night. I had smoked with a buddy that night na keja ilikuwa inanuka ganja mbaya. I then heard a knock on the door and upon opening, it was him seeming drunk as fuck. Nadhani pombe ilimpatia courage and that’s when he started getting confrontational kwa ploti hadi majirani wanaskia akinisomea juu ya bangi kuvutwa kwangu. He used to live kwa ground floor by the way. I didn’t argue back and once he left, I resolved that lazima nihame kutoka apo. The following day I texted him about my need to vacate his property end month and that’s what happened

[Jack_Black]

@Jizman

The apartment was still under construction with only 5 units and tenants wote were families except me. I could bring friends and smoke with them and even when alone. Jamaa alikuwa ananiuliza maswali za kijinga tukikutana design ya CIA probably hoping for contradictory answers.

Did he ever casually ask you for your name, followed by ‘is that the name on your ID?’

Coz that’s generally a dead giveaway you are dealing with a plain clothes cop.

[SledgeHammer]

I didn’t read but you shouldn’t give a shit either. Let her deal with it. Pay and leave

[Jino]

@Jack_Black

…vagina makes when air is expelled from it. She was basically giving birth to a condom.. something you don’t see every day in life.
‘Fwwwwrrtttt.. imetoka???!’
After a couple more minutes of the world’s worst airhorn, the chick births the mangled remains of those POS condoms.
‘Fuck.’ - I say.

Do not use cheap condoms unless you want to hear the world’s worst, and smelliest freno.
Signed,
Jack Black.

Jina ya hio club? And does it still exist?

[Gaza]

Hekaya is on point .. kijana.

[Simiyu22]

@kijanaKumbaf

No none cares about weed anymore.where I stay from the 2nd floor to 6 th floor huwa ni hio smell and no one cares

I honestly don’t care about weed but could not live where people smoke it in the house. The pungent smell of burnt tires is a killer. There’s a girl I used to see and her roommate was a chain weed smoker. Their apartment wreaked of weed all the time. I couldn’t stay there long, even the neighbors had concerns. Now imagine neighbors with kids.

[MTINGIZA_KITANDA]

@Jack_Black

…vagina makes when air is expelled from it. She was basically giving birth to a condom.. something you don’t see every day in life.
‘Fwwwwrrtttt.. imetoka???!’
After a couple more minutes of the world’s worst airhorn, the chick births the mangled remains of those POS condoms.
‘Fuck.’ - I say.

Do not use cheap condoms unless you want to hear the world’s worst, and smelliest freno.
Signed,
Jack Black.

Hehehe hekaya iko on point. Kumbe unaweza andika hekaya

[Eng_iti]

@Simiyu22

… floor to 6 th floor huwa ni hio smell and no one cares

I honestly don’t care about weed but could not live where people smoke it in the house. The pungent smell of burnt tires is a killer. There’s a girl I used to see and her roommate was a chain weed smoker. Their apartment wreaked of weed all the time. I couldn’t stay there long, even the neighbors had concerns. Now imagine neighbors with kids.

Tule tu weed tunyongi hunuka ka mkudu thou

[Jack_Black]

@Jino

…he was basically giving birth to a condom.. something you don’t see every day in life.
‘Fwwwwrrtttt.. imetoka???!’
After a couple more minutes of the world’s worst airhorn, the chick births the mangled remains of those POS condoms.
‘Fuck.’ - I say.
Do not use cheap condoms unless you want to hear the world’s worst, and smelliest freno.
Signed,
Jack Black.

Jina ya hio club? And does it still exist?

I can’t remember the name.. and this was before covid so there’s no way it survived. I just remember it wasn’t a muhindi heavy joint.. just normal nywele steelwire.

[Jizman]

@Jack_Black

…with only 5 units and tenants wote were families except me. I could bring friends and smoke with them and even when alone. Jamaa alikuwa ananiuliza maswali za kijinga tukikutana design ya CIA probably hoping for contradictory answers.

Did he ever casually ask you for your name, followed by ‘is that the name on your ID?’
Coz that’s generally a dead giveaway you are dealing with a plain clothes cop.

He already had a copy of my ID which I gave when filling agreement of tenancy. The questions were always revolving on where I work, where my home area is, who is so and so who keeps visiting bla bla bla… I believe such line of questioning, when done repeatedly, is meant to look out for contradictions in one’s responses. But based on what I heard neighbours say, the guy was a CID trained in Israel. Then kuna siku vijana tried to carjack him kwa entrance ya apartment and he turned tables on them, had them subdued and called his colleagues to arrest the boys

[Majik]

@Jack_Black

‘Shit.. what the actual fuck???’ - All the ethanol vanished from my bloodstream when I saw my gleaming mjuols without any protection.

[Jack_Black]

@Jizman

He already had a copy of my ID which I gave when filling agreement of tenancy. The questions were always revolving on where I work, where my home area is, who is so and so who keeps visiting bla bla bla… I believe such line of questioning, when done repeatedly, is meant to look out for contradictions in one’s responses.

Indeed that’s how they operate. The questions are designed to drive you to specific answers, that he already has from intelligence reports on persons of interest.

The issue most run into is mainly court warrants. Any information obtained from you must be lawfully warranted, or there’s a risk of it being rejected in court, no matter how damning or relevant. This is so as to prevent officers from pursuing personal vendettas or illegal investigations on soft targets.

And I don’t buy that story for carjackers. Kenyan intelligence is trained in Eastern bloc countries, Mossad and DSGE have USA’s penis in their mouths, so they very rarely train black officers to avoid offending fragile white egos back home.

Very amusing system indeed.

[Jizman]

@Jack_Black

…ow damning or relevant. This is so as to prevent officers from pursuing personal vendettas or illegal investigations on soft targets.
And I don’t buy that story for carjackers. Kenyan intelligence is trained in Eastern bloc countries, Mossad and DSGE have USA’s penis in their mouths, so they very rarely train black officers to avoid offending fragile white egos back home.
Very amusing system indeed.

I never really gave a fuck about his questioning and nosiness since I knew I wasn’t a criminal. I remember he once wanted me out on suspicion that I was conducting illegal activities in his property . I dared him to use his powers and investigate me akasema that would take another angle which I believe is what you are referring to when you mention legal implications. I had a congolese buddy we used to speak french with and the guy looked very much like an oga. He never wanted to hear that he was just a buddy that I used to practice my French with before it evaporates. Then I was expecting my grandpa who used to come to the city for chemotherapy and thought finding a convenient place to accommodate him would be tricky given the short notice. When we later found a clinic karibu na home, it meant grandpa no longer had to come to Nairobi for chemo and so the fucker could no longer hold me by the balls and thats when I decided to move out. Funny thing is that he started being respectful and friendly once I told him nahama

[EL_CUCUY]

@Jizman

… city for chemotherapy and thought finding a convenient place to accommodate him would be tricky given the short notice. When we later found a clinic karibu na home, it meant grandpa no longer had to come to Nairobi for chemo and so the fucker could no longer hold me by the balls and thats when I decided to move out. Funny thing is that he started being respectful and friendly once I told him nahama

Hehe. Ni kama ilimuuma juu source of livelihood inapotea.