Wanja Kavengi Chronicles

This is a long breakfast tradition that has been practised in my house for years.

  1. Wake up in the morning (before anyone else) and go straight to the kitchen.

  2. Find the sufuria that cooked last night’s supper. There are some leftovers.

  3. Eat the leftovers straight from the sufuria using the big serving spoon that was left in that sufuria.

  4. Lean on the kitchen counter and chew quietly in the semi-darkness while contemplating the meaning of life.

  5. Hear a movement in the house and pause. Stop chewing. Lift your head straight up. Narrow your eyes and look directly in front of you, letting them dart slowly while your aural receptors search for any sounds. Listen keenly. It’s quiet. No other movement.

  6. Sigh in relief.

  7. Continue chewing.

  8. Finish the leftovers and lick the serving spoon.

  9. Dump the sufuria and the spoon in the sink.

  10. Go back to bed.

  11. While in bed, doing things on your phone, hear some movements in the kitchen, then a loud wail.

  12. Pause.

  13. Hear quick footsteps approaching.

  14. Pretend you’re fast asleep.

  15. Someone will wake you up but you’ll pretend you can’t hear them or feel them shaking you for the first 10 seconds, then wake up fake-grumbling. They will tearfully ask who ate the leftovers they had planned to eat.

  16. Feign surprise and confusion. Pretend you do not know what they are talking about. Lie that you, in fact, had no idea there were some leftovers in the house. To convince them, add that you get stomach aches and diarrhoea when you eat leftovers, so it definitely cannot be you.

  17. Repeat (almost) every morning until serious trust issues develop.

Good morning, most esteemed council of the interwebs. Have a stupendous start to the week.

Credit: Wanja Kavengi.

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i post this articles akina @uwesmake wanasema ni ujinga

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:):)I like that part about the big spoon

Yeah if a certain type of Village Elder land on your thread first it’s as good as dead. They kill it just like that. They post something stupid like

“meffi”
“unatusumbua”
“hatutambui”
And just like that the thread is dead. Other times they tag their friends and change the topic to some tired trope.
Hii kijiji iko na time zake but utoto ni mingi

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Bingwa is that you. You form a nice tag team and that semi retard mzee mjinga shitting on my threads. Cockroaches!

If tossing and turning in bed sleeplessly and restlessly while holding a(n) (overheating) cell phone that’s connected to a charger was an Olympic sport, I’d be all-time gold medalist.

Credit: Wanja Kavengi[ATTACH=full]56144[/ATTACH]

You manufacturers of crisps who package the crisps in opaque packagings so that we, hungry, innocent, unsuspecting consumers of crisps cannot see the actual amount of crisps in the packets…fraudsters. Armed robbers. Thieves. Scammers. May your groins itch ceaselessly. And may your arms become too short to reach your groins, so that you are unable to scratch away those hellish itches.

You purchase some crisps, your favourite flavour, packed in a colorful opaque packaging. You happily skip home while humming the national anthem, the packet of crisps safely hidden in your bag. Or tightly clutched in your hand. You’re looking forward to eating one of the most crunchy, delicious things to come out of potatoes.
But when you get home and open the pack, you are met with a tiny, blasphemous pile of crisps nestled in their atrociousness at the bottom of the pack.

What are you punishing people for? Is your budget for potatoes tight? Or do the potatoes get finished before a reasonable amount of crisps is made, and no one is ever willing to rush to the market to purchase several sacks of potatoes?

Chei. You people are wicked.

Credit: Wanja Kavengi
[ATTACH=full]56145[/ATTACH]

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fixed…

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umesahau [SIZE=6]U…:D:D:D:D:D:D:D[/SIZE]

:D:D

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Please nimechoka kuitwa Bingwa. And it’s that fake Tanzanian that started it. @Mtanzania Magufuli you’re an idiot and I’ll expose who you really are.

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Please go ahead.CSI will be waiting to file this evidence too:D:D

In the average Kenyan home, things are never thrown away after use (unless it’s tissue paper).

That small Blue Band or cooking fat container will be used to keep steel wire at the sink. Or coins. The large cooking fat containers will be used as flower pots. And the Sunlight or Toss detergent containers for pegs. While those ice cream containers will be used to store food, or they will be used as lunchboxes for the children. The empty jerrican of cooking oil will be used for storing water or for fermenting porridge. Or for buying paraffin oil.

The empty bottles of soda that are gathering dust and spiders under the sink or in a dark corner of a cupboard will be used as mosquito coil stands. That old t-shirt or towel will be used as a duster/mop or a bathroom doormat. The old hand towel will be used for holding sufurias and wiping wet/dirty surfaces. That washing basin that has a hole or a crack will be used to keep dirty clothes. Or you will find it full of old shoes under a bed. That 2004 calendar that’s still hanging on a wall will be used to cover the children’s exercise books. The ashtray that your uncle left will be used as a candle holder.

And when you fail your KCPE and KCSE and you feel like you’re done, don’t fret. You will be used as an example to your siblings.

Tunajua wewe ni mama saitani.

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