TYPES OF SIDECHICKS

TODAY WE DISCUSS DIFFERENT TYPES OF SIDE CHICS.

*THE POISON *

This one will start planning your wedding two hours after you hit on her. She has been so desperate for a husband since she turned 30 and you could not have walked into her life at a better time. Her biggest mission is to get pregnant for you. She will invite you to her house every weekend and cook for you cuisines you only saw on that TV show “COOKING FOR REAL”. She has all the wife material qualities that you can’t resist. If you’re wife is a foko jembe and you land on this one you are dead. She comes off as very sweet and caring but is lethal. She is always supporting your dreams and lending you money whenever wherever. She has these visions of you send your wife packing so that she can take over your matrimonial bed. She will do things for you just to send your wife mixed signals. Buy you very nice boxers, not the cowboy underwear you are used to. Those cheap shirts made from crimplene you wear, she will replace with expensive pure COTTON shirts. Given a chance she would frame your wife send her to jail and walk into your life with open arms. Did I mention that she is saved? Well she is. Infact you knew her from your wife’s church meetings.

THE GOLD DIGGER

No way this category was going to miss.

No sugarcoating things here. These ones are after your money. You will find them pale Nrb west. They are always in those 3k wigs from Dubois road and body hugging dresses. These ones will not let you prosper. She is friends with all Rhumba musicians in the country and has probably banged them all. Because you hit on her you automatically owe her money. She is always available to you and 10 others. She will hook all her friends up with all your friends so that the territory is well marked. They will also plan road trips on you and your boy’s bill. For her anything goes but having a car is a plus. She acts classy but is a ratchet from the hood. She only drinks Jack Daniels when with you but nyumba yake imejaa chupa za Konyagi. She is very seductive and looks like a freak on the sheets. Lies. She is a bag of waru in the sheets. God forbid you eat her raw. She will threaten you with a fake pregnancy and make you send her 15k for abortion. She is also a single mother and school fees and rent ain’t gon pay itself. She is a prostitute to be precise. Only not on Koinange Street.

*THE SLAY QUEEN *

First of all she only eats KFC chicken. I guess before KFC she never ate chicken. She will not meet up with you until you send her Uber money which is often nduthid. She is very very beautiful, only drinks Guarana Amarula and wine until she is wasted and starts to mix shots from here to Antananarivo. She will spend the better part of the night signaling the samosa lady and make you buy her smokey. Then she will puke, you will be embarrassed, your dick will flaccid and will have to postpone the sex. Her hair and toiletries are your responsibility. She lives with 6 of her friends so visiting her is a no no. This one is temporarily barren, will never get pregnant for you even if you cum like an elephant. Her mom is always sick, if not her father, or brother or that her gas ran out. Also she is your son’s girlfriend during the week in campus and your gacugua over the weekend and you most probably will never find out.

THE OPEN CATEGORY

This i will just give a story of a lady I that I stand to admire to date.

So a friend to a friend walks into this high end pub in Westlands sometime early last year. He is a ka chumed guy, drives a discovery and shit. So he is struck by this beauty sitting at the counter. The fisi in him comes to play and he strikes a move. He manages to get her attention, drinks are flowing whilst he is thinking about a nice place he can eat her coz she is not your average girl. She looks expensive. So that time comes and as they leave and go to the parking… Chwi Chwi, the chic opens her car. It’s a range rover fam. She fucking drives a Rover. Bitch drives a range. The guy loses his math and doesn’t know how to convince her to leave her range and join him. As he is still trying to sort out the little English he has left, the chic goes like, “my place or yours” fisi can’t believe what he just heard. Opts for her place coz his place is where his wife lives so… (ok that’s funny). Anyway he pops in and they are headed for the leafy suburbs fam. Kidogo they are in Karen. The house is first of all better than his. They get there, the chic shows him the bathroom and as he takes a shower he can hear her fixing something in the kitchen. Niggah is washing his tools of trade kweli kweli. Comes out of the shower and there is food on the dinning table. He is in disbelief asking God what he did to deserve such treatment. The chic shows him the bedroom and hits the shower. She comes out, goes to the bedroom and brother is on the Bed rubbing his balls like nobody’s business. This chic closes the door and brother is ridden like those carts from 18th century. They sleep. In the morning the guy wakes up to breakfast. Scrambled eggs, sausages, baked beans tea, fresh juice, bacon and toast. . Eats and remembers he has to go all the way to westy and in the process figure out a lie to tell his wife about his whereabouts. Just as he is about to leave, bidding goodbyes and shit, the chic tells him there is a note for him on the table. (as you read this, is your heart raising yet?) it better. Anyway he picks the note up and it’s a receipt fam. 70k. 70 fucking thousand. Literally. Brother is confused. He asks what it was and the chic without hesitation goes like, “YOUR BILL” Yes ma peps it wasn’t free. The guy goes rogue, he goes Kanye West on her and starts to act out. Kufungua mlango atoke, bouncers. He had 40k kwa Mpesa. He realized shit was real and whether he liked it or not he was going to pay. So he calls the wife, and lies vile alishikwa vile a biz went wrong. She sends the other 30k and niggah buys his freedom. Here is the crazy part, the niggah was actually contemplating going back ati the treatment he got was worth it. MEN!

And finally there is the

*FREE SPIRIT *

This ones don’t want your money or anything, but they will fuck you mpaka you surrender your all to them. For them it’s only about sex and going separate ways. No feelings no nagging no manipulation or attachments. Only problem with these ones is that, just when it’s getting really exiting for you. They leave. Then you are left broken and needy so vulnerable and end up trapped in a gold diggers web.

Salons by this time should be closed.

true. Been through a category hapo.
I hope this goes out to all men.

:smiley:

Acha uchoyo leta hekaya

70k :smiley:

:D:D:D:D:D itabidi our other little brains tufunge na uzi wa nilon.

Hio ata kwa dawa siezi ingia Karen kama sio kwangu naenda:D:D:D:D:D:D pia siezi lipa afadhali tuonane binguni:D:D:D:D:D:D 70,000 noooooooo

@pseudonym [COLOR=rgb(251, 160, 38)]nakuona ukilike, what category are you here?

mimi? my like is on the first comment. Sijasoma.

NILON ni nini ? nzi ya yellow .

Maswali ya umama peleka Friends Boys Kamusinga au Lugulu Girls

70K bill.
:D:D:D:D:D

70K! I hope this didn’t happen to a random son of a woman. Enyewe Nairobi ni shamba la mawe. You get shot at as you’re being shot at!

Haki sikuona hiyo bill coming. Yenyewe if the deal is too good, think twice.

Iyo avatar utatoa kizee

nice read…sasa makosa Nita avoid in future

70k Bill inamumaliza

Open category:D:D:D

Mimi siwezi ingia kwa nyumba ya dame sijui rent analipa vipi…
That’s the fastest route to the grave or to your own auction