Whenever the trumpet blows for someone, the onus is on those left behind to ensure that s/he gets a befitting last escort.
Escorts come in many shades. We have the bereaved, friends, sponsors, sponsees, fisis, among others.
The bereaved are the most affected while the fisis are there to look for slices, feelings be damned.
My friend *James (he he he) fell in the later group. The mourning (“matanga”) period was set five days. James decided to strike on the second night. He wasn’t close to the bereaved and his sole mission was to DF a daughter of Eve.
Luckily for him, he knew a DF-able girl who was a neighbour to the bereaved. Muthoni had come in handy on an earlier occasion. He decided Muthoni would be his “matanga” date.
James met Muthoni and arranged on the how, when and where to meet for the slices distribution mission. They set 8:00pm as the time. The meeting point would be a rarely used gate at the back of their (Muthoni’s) shamba.
On the scheduled night of the meeting, everything started well with the Pastor leading with a word of Prayer and a sermon on the virtues of leading an exemplary life if one wanted a good after-life. At 7:45pm, James slowly made his way to the rendezvous point. It was conveniently dark and he stopped just next to the gate. He waited for what seemed like an hour but was in essence only thirty minutes.
At around 8:30pm, he heard some movement and became very alert. In the dark, he couldn’t exactly see who was coming towards him, but wasn’t it obvious it was his " matanga" date, Muthoni? The figure hesitated and that was ample confirmation that Muthoni was looking out for him.
The functions of the big head were immediately and fully usurped by the small head.
He excitedly moved towards the figure and with his arms outstretched, tightly hugged and moved to kiss whoever was there, while exclaiming “niki kunjiga na mûkio uguo Muthoni? Haisuru niwoka”! (For non greeks- “why have you kept me waiting with a hard-on for that long, Muthoni? Anyway, what matters is that you’re here now”!
What happened next will forever remain etched in James’ brain!
His brain registered some excruciating pain as pressure was exerted on his balls & allied. At the same time, a loud scream emanated from the figure shouting, “urenda kunyita kia hinya? Mutioke mundeithie! Uuuuui ngai wakwa”! (For non greeks- “you want to DF me by force? Someone save me! Uuuuui my God”)
It was then that James realised he had inadvertently hugged the mother instead of the daughter. The small head immediately abandoned him and the big head regained its rightful thought functions once again.
He deftly twisted the hands inflicting pain on his balls & allied and at the same time pushed back the person holding him.
He became free and ran as fast as his nimble legs could manage.
He found himself in an unfamiliar place, but all the same very happy to have out-distanced his pursuers. His lungs were almost bursting but that was far better compared to what he would have been subjected to, had he been caught.
A simple “nuuu ucio”? (“who is that?”) Would have ensured that the energy he had expended escaping was used for its intended purposes: DF!
As for Muthoni, he learnt that she had disappeared from home for 3 months after being given a dogs beating.
As for James, he archived the incident as “The slices that weren’t slices”!
huyu james hujionea mambo! good one…
An attempt at tragicomedy?
Hehe. Matanga ingekuwa Western labda angebahatika- Disco Matanga stuff.
Happened like that in shagz one night only that the guy run in unfamiliar territory Na huko miguu ya Shamba kwenye Kuna mashimo ya maji. Mpaka Kati ya hio Shamba Na hiyo ingine Ni ka mto. Jamaa anapiga Tu long strides not knowing where mashimo yako. Huuyooo ndani ya mto. Maji ikaruka. Jamaa akatuliz in -2 degrees water. It so happened at the time there were mourners coming down on the footpath of the other Shamba who saw all the movie but turned back to where they were coming from Ki Usain Bolt. Wakaenda kutafuta ma vijana…two hours down ndio wakapata men willing to come down to the stream. Hapo ndio wakapata @mukuna ndani ya maji kiuno downwards stuck kwa clay muddy bed. He was pulled out. Akiulizwa kitu his answer was only two words…KITU MOTO…KITU MOTO