Long read alert wadau…
It was circa 2013, when I decided to have a trip to Mombasa to see my girlfriend. I had not seen her for about 3 months and since I was on leave, it was a perfect time kufikisha threshold. So I boarded a matatu from Kasarani in the morning hours to book my bus to Mombasa. Having completed school and now working, nikasema sitapanda zile Maslah, Ocean,Buscar au TSS (my favorite was Risala and Al Quddus) nilikuwa nimezoea. I got my 10pm ticket to Msa in the Modern Coast Oxygen bus. Those were the years that Oxygen buses were superb Higer A80 Scania buses that guaranteed you a comfortable smooth ride on A109. Mimi huyo…… ticket kwa mfuko, kupitia ATM kutoa 20k and back to Kasa to organize my small backpack.
I relaxed kwa keja fantasizing how I was going to have a good time with my Giriama sweetheart and enjoy the breeze in pirates beach while seated on the hired plastic chairs as I tell the photographers in red shirts kwamba sina shughuli na kupigwa picha, na kuambia watu wa tube sitaki kukomboa tube zao.
Usiku kitu 7pm, I was on my way to town ndio nisichelewe kwa jam and ruin my trip. I finally got to town and went to the Modern Coast offices to pass my time there. While watching various buses being dispatched, a thought came to my mind. I had not nyaduad for a while and there was a possibility nitamwaga haraka first round and disappoint my queen. Ahem!! I decided to make a tour to the many brothels in Nairobi.
With my small backpack kwa mgongo, I walked down River Road, then straight to Luthuli. I did what is referred to as a guard of honor. A guard of honor involves walking on the entire street as you scan the faces and hip/ mattercore circumference of all the kungurus standing on the street then make a u-turn before reaching Moi avenue , and return to pick the best among them. The same procedure is used to detect the presence of cops hiding in the narrow alleys on Luthuli who would spoil the party.
My guard of honor yielded fruit coz I identified one standing on the River road/ Luthuli junction with some humongous hips and worth a deal . “Ngapi shot?” Mtongwe asked her. She just smiled at me. “Soo tatu” she replied. “Niko na soo mbili pekee ” I told her and pretended to be disinterested. She held my hand and said “sawa, twende”. I felt clever to have outsmarted the street hooker on the deal. We crossed Luthuli avenue to proceed to lower River road where she pointed to the building right next to the road karibu na hiyo junction and told me hapo rooms ziko available kwa wingi (see the black arrow pointing the building in question on the attached map).
The entrance to the building is a wide corridor with many electricity meters on the left wall with wires haphazardly crossing that side of the wall. Then there was a bench near the stairs with some young men chewing miraa. I had a feeling that the place might not be very safe but soldiered on as the kunguru led me to first floor where there was a dimly lit deserted bar. I only saw one old man taking beer while smoking. She told the receptionist we wanted a room and condoms. I gave 200 for the room, and 50 for condoms. The receptionist rummaged at her drawer for the keys. At this point I remember that my kunguru told the female receptionist “nengere iria ina kiria” in greek (nipee ile iko na ninii). That did not ring a bell to me as Mtongwe was still a novice in the whoreworld. The receptionist then picked a key hanged on a nail near the display counter and handed it to my kunguru.
The kunguru proceeded to lead me to another narrow corridor leading to the rooms. There was a watchman sitting on a chair next to a room at the corner. She opened the room as I greeted the watchman. This gave me a sense of security as I had feared that the place was unsafe. Mlango ni ile ya kufuli na latch. Kufuli imechomelewa kwa a small nyororo isipotee. She entered and I locked the door myself.
Then akaniambia, “ weka nguo na bag pale” pointing to the floor near one side of the room. I then reached the pocket and gave her 200 bob cash and she smiled and hugged me. I proceed to undress and place my trouser on top of my bag on the floor nikabaki na shati pekee. She did likewise and removed her trousers and placed them on the floor near my bag. I was impressed with what I saw. The thighs were similar to those described in the Songs of Solomon book of the bible. Nikajua hapa boychild ameangukia a nice deal. Threshold ni kufikisha bila tabu.
She put the condom kwa mjulus and we jumped in bed. While I worked on the cookie jar, I was surprised that she caressed me on the back and pulled me close to her such that my head was on her side. She moaned to make me do it harder and she confessed how sweet she felt. It is not usual for kungurus to do these maneuvers, they usually care less and no romance is involved. After kumaliza shot, I got out of bed and she removed the condom. Wakati anatoa, checked it for wear and tear and I was glad haijapasuka.
I then I stepped back to put my trouser. I was crestfallen. Fellow villagers, trouser yangu, boxer na bag hazikuwa!!! My head became disoriented kama mtu amegongwa na thermos ya @Meria Mata . I headed for the door, my second surprise was there. Mlango ilikuwa imefungwa kwa upande wa nje. I asked the kunguru “nani amefunga hii mlango na inje?” akaniambia hajui kwasababu tulikuwa na yeye kwa bed na tulikuwa tu wawili kwa room. I became aggressive towards her asking her to explain what had just happened. Then akaniambia “hii ni madawa”. For the first time in my life I was about to believe in superstition. Kama tuko wawili tu pekee kwa room na mlango ijifunge na inje na nguo haziko, it could be true ni madawa.
I proceeded to inspect the floor to see if there was a hole where I placed my clothes. While standing there and looking at the bed, I realized where the rain started beating me. The wide bed was covered in a neat red duvet cover. The duvet cover was so big that it covered the entire bed hadi miguu yote ya kitanda. You could hardly tell if that bed was made of metal, cypress from Mau forest or whether it was from smuggled Congolese mahogany. The size of the duvet cover was meant to hide a human being under the bed. There must have been someone hiding under the bed, who only appeared during coitus and disappeared with my worldly belongings while I was busy fikisharing threshold , and locked the door from outside.
The thought of losing my cash (about 15k), my Nokia E5(with QWERTY keyboard and metal cover costing approx 15k at the time) and my bag did not disturb me. What disturbed me most was the pain of losing my trouser. How was I going to walk all the way to Kasarani without a trouser? Would people on the street say I am mad or drunk? Would I reach home safely? At that time hakuna mtu nilikuwa najua alikuwa town to rescue me. Sikuwa na simu au nambari nipige nisaidiwe.
Kunguru akaenda kwa mlango and started banging it loudly calling “soja! soja!” . After several minutes, the soja opened the door na nikaona bag, trouser and boxer zimewekwa hapo mbele ya mlango. They were all ransacked, but you would imagine the joy that I had to see my pair of trousers. I quickly took the trouser and boxer na kuzivaa. A quick inspection revealed that all the cash and phone had gone. I was glad to realize that my ID, ATM were intact in the back pocket. That gave me a little reassurance that my trip is still on.
Sikuongelesha huyo kunguru tena. My mind told me to leave the crime scene immediately while I was still alive. Haraka haraka bag kwa mgongo nikatoka, nikagundua watchman alichange position. He was now sitting near the door of the bar. Nikamuuliza ni saa ngapi just kumpima bangi zake, he angrily answered me in a way that tells me to mind my business. He did not even tell me the time.
Kuteremka stairs ni mbio mbio , passed the fellas on the bench karibu na stairs and went my way. They must have been part of the gang. Mimi huyo hadi ofisi za Modern. I waited for the departure time and cursed myself for the shit that had happened. Nikawaza sana kuhusu tukio hilo, but was glad not to have detected the goon under the bed as probably he would have stabbed me or harmed me inside the room. Nikasema isorait kwasababu bora niko hai. The bus finally departed and that was my longest trip to coasto ever, sikulala the entire trip, wala kula kitu chochote Mtito. As the bus navigated Changamwe roundabout, the reality hit me again on the extent of the shit. How do I tell my girlfriend that nimefika?
Basi ikafika Mwembe kitu 5:30am hivi, I sat there ndio jua itokee niende ATM Digo road. I fikad there, withdrew cash and walked to a shop where I replaced my SIM card. Nikaingia matatu na kuelekea Nakumatt Likoni to wait for them wafungue ninunue simu. I bought a Nokia Asha and quickly inserted the SIM nisubiri girlfriend apige juu namba yake sikuwa nayo offhead. Within minutes akapiga. She quarreled me for not telling her natoka, wala kumwambia niko Mtito and not telling her nimefika. Weeh, that was a difficult moment. As usual, uwongo lazima. Nikamshow battery ilikuwa down. I had to rush and quickly get a room to wash the trauma that my body and mind had undergone. Nikaget room, paid and quickly alerted her on my lokeshen ndio akuje. There was the next reality check coming… Kumpigia simu, akaniambia “na mbona namba yako haijiandiki jina?” Hapo nikamshow “hiyo ni shida ya network ya safaricom coz niko Mombasa”. Sielewi mbona simu ilibehave hivyo.
Finally she came and I was with her for 8 days. I was smiling at her and faking happiness while I was in Mombasa, but I was a wounded man in my inner self. I wouldn’t have revealed that to her. Nikarudi Nairobi and continued na kazi after leave kuisha. But overcoming the entire incident took me a whole month. Every time I went to charge my phone nilikuwa nakumbuka what I went through.
Dawa ya moto ni moto. Hivyo ndivyo wahenga walisema. To prove that I have learnt the trick of the game, I went back to Luthuli!!! Straight hadi Nairobi Kitale enterprises. Negotiated one good looking one and headed to the rooms. Kuingia kwa room kabla mlango nifunge, I peeped inder the bed ndio kama kuna mtu, nitoke mbio…. Hapakuwa na mtu chini. Kunguru akaniuliza “kwani ushawahi ibiwa?” I told her nilipitia masaibu flani. She went ahead to reassure me that huko kuko safe na mwenyewe huishi keja za juu plus kuna watchie wa security company huko. Nilifikisha threshold and went to the bar section kupiga tusker moja to reward myself for not forgetting the lesson that I had learnt.
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