Just anaa joke thread…yea[SIZE=5]aa[/SIZE][SIZE=7]a[/SIZE][SIZE=5]A[/SIZE][SIZE=6]AA[/SIZE][SIZE=7]H
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[SIZE=4]A man with a mask on walks into a bank and goes to the desk.
He pulls out a gun and points it at the lady at the desk.
He says,‘Open the vault skank’.
The woman says, ‘Sir, this is a sperm bank. We dont have any money here’.
The man says, ‘Open the vault right now or im going to blow your fucking head off’.
She opens the vault and turns back to the man and he said, ‘Take out one of those jars’.
The woman said, ‘please sir, i promise you we dont have any money here. This is a sperm bank’.
The man said, ‘Take out one of those jars right now or ill blow your fucking head off’.
The women turns, grabs the jar and looks back to the man and he said, ‘Take lid off and swallow it’.
She looks at him in disgust and pleads to him saying, ‘Sir, this is sperm. Please, im not drinking sperm. We dont have any money here. Please leave’.
The man says, ‘Take the lid off and drink it or ill blow your fucking head off’.
So the womans takes off the lid and kicks it back real quick and swallows it with little to no problem then turns to look back at the man and to her amazment he took off the mask and it was her husband.
He looked at her and said, ‘See! It’s not that fucking dificult is it’?
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it
started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put
it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What’s that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day…Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of
age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: It doesn’t matter as long as it fits a Camel.
Husband always insisted on making love in the dark. After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator. She goes ballistic, “You impotent bas*ard! How could you lie to me all these years?” Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, “I’ll explain the toy, you explain the kids…”
Last night i was walking home and this homeless girl said to me “two hundred bob for a blow job”. I said “Fuck off, I’ve been caught out before, let’s see the two hundred bob first”
I finally got an appointment with my doctor this week
He asked me what the problem was and I explained that my very lovely girlfriend is very demanding sexually - often wanting sex twice a night and again the next morning.
He said " I see, so are you having trouble keeping up with her demands,do you need some viagra prescribed ?"
“No”, I replied, “everything is fine in that respect”
“So”, he said “do you think you are likely to suffer a heart attack or something from the physical effort ?” he asked.
“No, I’m feeling fitter than I have for years, I answered”
“Then, I’m not really sure why you are telling me” he said finally
“I’m telling everybody” I responded with a grin
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. “Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?”
The waiter replied, “Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen.”
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, “Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?”
The waiter replied, “Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men’s room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to pull out my penis, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time.”
Wait a minute," said the diner, “how do you get your penis back in your pants?”
“Well, I don’t know about the other guys, but I use the spoon.”
A preacher wanted to earn money for the building expansion program of his church. He had heard there was big money in horse racing, so he decided to purchase a horse and enter him in the races. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was too steep and the preacher ended up buying a donkey. The preacher figured he had the donkey, he might as well enter it in the race.
The next day the donkey came in third. The racing form’s headline the following day read, “Preacher’s Ass Shows.”
The preacher was so pleased with his donkey that he entered him the next day also. The donkey won. The newspaper’s headline read, “Preachers Ass Out in Front.”
The bishop was so upset with this type of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in the races anymore. Then, the headlines read, “Bishop Scratches Preacher’s Ass.” This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey.
The preacher decided to give the animal to a nearby convent. Next day’s headlines read, “Nuns Have Best Ass in Town.” The bishop fainted! He informed the nuns to get rid of the animal.
So they sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the paper read, “Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks.”
They buried the bishop the next day. The paper read, “Too Much Ass Responsible for Bishop’s Death.”
First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor began the lecture by telling them: “In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.”
To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth.
“Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said,
“The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.”[/SIZE]