The Kabete Chronicles

As reported by one “Ole Weru”

Recently, I was just doing rounds on fb, stalking my usual crushes to see how they are doing, and thinking of how better or worse they would be doing if I was added to their life. I wanted to inbox one, but realized she had not replied an inbox from January. I wanted to inbox another one but saw she was now in a relationship, and had a profile pic of her and the ninja smiling from ear to mouth. My heart commented “mtaachana tu”. I then proceeded to Kilimani mums with my account there, where I take strolls to know the current issues affecting women, as I want to rival Maina Kageni for the Nairobi Women’s rep seat.

There were the usual complainers about ooh men, ooh he is a player-am like you are played every day, why cant you be a ref too, give red card to the keeper, and award a penalty to niggas like us here dying in the cold…if you know wharamean. So those streets of Kilimani usually have drama, but I will not go into details nisianze kuchunguzwa nifukuzwe huko. I usually give relationship advice there you know… So in one of the many comments, I saw one persons who was also saying how she is just recovering from a heart break bla bra bla…and her story touched me.

The story touched my mind not my heart, and I decided to visit her profile, now using my account. Wow, she was pretty; yellow yellow to be precise, with a good forehead like my dear Avril. As usual, I went through her pictures to try spot anywhere she was smoking shisha but didn’t get any. Checked if she had tattoos on her nyonyos, nothing. Why would a nigga leave such a beautiful soul? Haya I decided to go to the next step. I threw an inbox her way just to speculate. Afterall, how do you expect us to get wives if we cant gamble like this?. some say we pray…ok sikatai, but the last ninja to get a wife free without any hustles was Adam-and he also parted with a rib. You have to keep trying ma guy.

So I waited and the following day, a reply came back. With my many years of experience at mending broken hearts, I approached her carefully, not trying to portray any fisist instincts. Avoid telling her ooh you look beautiful, ooh you look sexy….afana. Just be as casual as possible; she better mistake you for a Jehova Witness or a GNLD guy but not fisist. After a few days, we were talking on regular basis. Before long, she was telling me “aki you are just one interesting guy lol”…hapo nikajua nimepita round one ya qualifiers. Kidogo I asked for her number, and there was no struggle in getting it. The first time I called her, her voice was a reminder that one day, one day, I will fall in love again. We talked for a record 12 minutes, the longest I have spoken to someone on phone in years.

On that day, Safaricom called me dear in capital letters. They could not believe that their usual defaulter, who they have blacklisted from Mshwari, Okoa Jahazi and Okoa Stima had just clocked 12 minutes on talk time. However, one thing that kept ringing in my head is that she said she was from Kafete (kabete). I fear persons from Kafete. Now for those who don’t know, Kafete is a leafy suburb west of Nyairofi, known to produce fiery women who when angry, are fire to bask from far. They are also allergic to their man having another woman on the side, and the allergic reaction that comes with it is always not so good. They warn you however, by holding their waist with one hand and pointing you with the other and telling you; “ile siku nitakuona na mwanamke mwingine,ama niskie,ama nikae tu ivi niote,haiya”…then they leave that statement hanging. What they don’t tell you is that if they catch you, they will seat and orchestrate your quick smooth journey back to your creator. If you marry a persons from Kafete, you have to contend with being a mono-gyna, that is seeing only one canaan. But I was ready to join the mono-gyna community if that’s all it took.

So soon, she sent me a few photos of herself, hapo nikajua niko karibu quarter finals. We continued talking and soon she opened up on how she was recently heart broken. She told me about it in a very emotional way, and also opened up about other personal things here and there. Remember all this time we hadn’t met. When she opens her heart to you, bro you are officially in the semi-finals, just one game to the final. So we arranged to meet and talk more. I decided to make first time impression and we agreed to meet in a hotel uptown of Nyairofi, where they can even charge you for smelling the food they are cooking. We were to meet and then go out later in the evening, which I equated to playing in the finals. Whether you score a goal or not is up to your organizational and playing skills.

The moment came. I sat waiting at one corner of the hotel, sipping juice-the one that usually has a ki-piece of machungwa hanging on the side, I don’t know what for. She strolled in, and wow, she had colour of a one sausand note, coloured lips, usual fore head, with nyonyos facing hills of Tumutumu. Her heels made her sudus appear elevated like matatus of Buruburu. We sat, ate, talked and laughed. Then I brought up the topic on the heart break. She looked at me and I saw sadness. Then she started with, “that bitch was an a**hole,SHE played me!!” I corrected her and said HE played you…but she said NO, It was a SHE…

I looked confused, and seemed not to understand. “Mmmh, so you aaare”…She didn’t let me finish…”Yes am not into men at all, maybe just as friends.” So I thought I was in the finals but I felt like I had been taken back to post qualifiers. I looked at her and asked, ‘so you cant even consider men after what happened?’…She raised her finger and said never ever. Infact, she indicated she was almost moving on with another persons. I acted normal though my heart was broken, but we continued to talk about other issues affecting our country including Jimmy Gait and Brexit.

We are still close, but am in a zone that I still don’t understand what to call it. I think I will play the husband figure to both of them when they get ‘married’…sobs. But lemmi hang on, you never know, satan might enter them one day waniitie 3-some, who knows.

So next time you see me in the company of two very beautiful yellow yellows, don’t be quick to say how happy I am. Am just speculating.



Madimoni :smiley:

Ooh my! Awesome I tell you

ayayaya sobs* sad ending for this fisi but Kua optimistic too

I am damn sure this is not your piece but if it is then u got a way with words bruh

why cant you be a ref too, give red card to the keeper, and award a penalty to niggas like us here dying in the cold

:D:D:D:D:D:D… This is gold!!!


Hii ni kaa kubet multibet alafu game ya mwisho unaskia ref amepeana red card against you.
just endure the rest of the game but na matusi kaa milioni kwa kichwa

Wah @Fisi just be patient, u never know.

It’s written clearly in bold As reported by one ‘Ole Weru’.


Just play Assassins Creed @syndicate over the weekend. Rampage as much as you can…


Hekaya poa
I like the hunting ground and choice of prey (the vulnerable ), I think I should have a handle in Kilimani mums.

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Umefika semi finals only to find out you are playing not only a different league but also a different sport all together.:D:D


Hapa ndio mtu hufanya live bet ukiwa defender unajifunga own goal…ongea na msupa akuallow uwatch match yake na bitch wake…ww ukae hapo ukisugua abdalla ukiomba upatiwe tu mwanya uwajoin…mimi napenda sana lesbians…

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Boss!!! that’s one nicely written piece

Ati fire to bask from far:D:D:eek: Moto wa kuotea mbali

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no comment on this hekaya. [SIZE=1]bookmarked![/SIZE]

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