I was busy working on my computer last night when I heard the telltale rattling that meant somebody was messing with my door. I instantly knew who it was. The thieving baby was back.
You see, over the past two weeks my neighbour’s child, who has only recently started to walk, has developed the strange habit of stealing my padlock from the door. There’s a place I usually leave it so if someone opens the flap from outside it’s right there. But in the nearly two years I’ve lived here, this is the first time that someone has made an attempt to steal it.
The first time he tried, he still had that nervousness of a first time thief and he dropped the padlock almost as soon as he picked it. The other times I’d been smart enough to put it out of reach so he’d reach around for a while before giving up. However, last night that little nigger caught me slipping. By the time i got to the door he had already taken the padlock and was in full flight at a top speed of two steps per second. TWO STEPS PER SECOND! Now you may think that’s nothing but in baby units that is some Usain Bolt shit (I plan to talk to the father about a paternity test later).
Anyway, the little nigger was making away with my padlock in hand. I had to act fast before he disappeared completely. For a second I considered running after him but I instantly knew that was a bad idea. Anyone who’s lived in Kisumu will tell you this place can get as hot as balls. So if you’re just a single guy who’s all alone in the house, there’s a good chance you’ll be chilling out in your boxers or less. At that moment all I had on were my boxer-briefs and I knew being seen chasing after a baby in your underwear would be frowned upon by most people.
I decided I’d switch tactics to something more subtle. I started to call the baby from my slightly open door to let him know that his thieving ass had been spotted. My initial idea was to coax him to bring back the padlock but then it occurred to me that this might be worse than chasing after him. Can you imagine a fully grown man in his underwear calling a baby towards his slightly open door? Realizing the folly of my ways, I quickly rushed back inside to put on something more decent by which time the father had nabbed the thieving baby and was returning the stolen merchandise. We are currently in the process of working out a plea deal for the little thief.