It’s no secret, I’m a nudist.
Nothing more validating as a human than sitting in your safe space with your macadamias swinging unencumbered…
I find clothes unnatural, like… being in a soft, form-fitting prison. Especially ties!
Those serpentine satanic strangle strings.
Who came up with those things anyway?
Probably a couple of sickly gay guys with silly stupid names like…like Phillip and Johnson!
"You know what I’d really enjoy Johnson? "
“What, Phillip?”
“Being slowly strangled through-out the entirety of any weekday!”
“Kinda like being choked all day by a really weak guy, Phillip?”
“Exactly! Johnson, exactly! Now try to choke me some more!”
I…hehehe …where was I?
Clothes…yes. hate them!
Now it is normal, on any given day, to find me sitting, balls out in the house/ room. You should try it. Liberation!
Rocking out
with my clock out
Cock
Didn’t forget you, ladies.
Jam out with your clam out!!
Anyway back in the day, I remember this one time.
It was hellish hot, I’m on my bed, chilling.
Airing my Willie.
Busting my gut with the largest plate of ugali mix I’ve ever created.
(I am also a foodie)
I mean it was huge!
so big, I had to name it!
It was bigger than owesmake’s ego.
It was bigger than @Jirani’s closet…
I’m gobbling and slurping, licking and lapping, I’m choking and belching. it’s starting to sound like one of those European pornos…
I’m covered in stew and food particles head to toe.
I look like the possessed chick in ‘the exorcist’ when she’s covered in that green vomit.
This is no longer eating, I am devouring!! Imagine that scene in Lord of the rings where smeagle is eating that raw fish, only less sexy! People are running away screaming ‘‘monster!’’.
And just then, the wind kicks up and blows open my curtains, dust is swept in all over the place. My maternal instincts kick in- must save my baby!! And by baby, I mean food…
I jump up on my bed to draw the curtain before it is too late and in the process the plate upsets…onto my groin!
I’m heartbroken…all that food, all my dreams and hopes, crushed!!
What kind of God would let such a horrible tragedy occur?
I scream out “is there no justice in this cruel world?!”
As I stand there, solemnly looking down at the carnage, a single tear flowing down my cheek, I look out the window.
And find the entire family from next door staring up at me…
And that, boys and girls, is how I got my reputation in the hood.