It’s not the fact that he’s Mongolian, Chinese, Irish, Russian, American, Jewish and Italian.
It’s not even because he says he’s of Jamaican descent or that he’s known for bullshitting about martial arts and movies.
It’s the fact that that he released a reggae/dancehall song. About pussy. Punani!
It’s ass (like most of his movies) but honestly, his hustle is weirdly impressive.
Steven Seagal.
Every Steven Seagal movie in a nutshell:
-Steven Seagal is either ex special forces or ex CIA or ex something
-Everyone treats Seagal like the second coming of Christ
-Steven Seagal will mumble his way through scenes or require the use of voice overs from other actors
-Body doubles who do everything which includes walking, standing, and fighting
-Lots of plot convenience
-Steven Seagal will be portrayed as a hero but commits tons of crimes
-Seagal will hook up with women younger than him
-Multiple plot threads that go nowhere or are completely abandoned by the end of the movie
-Whenever Seagal does fight, he’s either slap fighting or fighting sitting down and never has to reload
-Fight scenes will have plenty of shaky cam or jump cuts to hide Seagal’s weight or his stunt doubles
-Every Seagal film is either set in Eastern Europe, Mexico, or Asia
-Steven Seagal will always go to strip club even if it doesn’t contribute to the plot
-Plots will usually resolve themselves in the first 20 minutes
-Terrible special effects and green screen
-Seagal will never hold a gun correctly
-Whenever Seagal is in a team, everyone will either die or do nothing while he does all the work
-One liners and jokes that fall flatter than Seagal’s “acting career”
-The DEA apparently has jurisdiction over everything
-Seagal will also have a family that’s introduced at the end of the movie
Anything else I forget?
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