As reported by one “Ole Weru”
I happen to be a straight forward member of the society clears throat. Am also a one woman man, though am yet to find that woman. But I was not always like that. Back when my blood was very hot, I used to be an extremist fisi, following all the doctrines word by word and interpreting them in my own way like an extremist. That was when they elected me unopposed as the director of strategy and planning at Mafisi sacco and gave me an honorary PhD in Fisi-ology.
Back then, I was guided by one doctrine of Fisi-ology, “The only thuruari that cannot be removed is the one that has not been worn” meaning that anyone could enter box. During the height of my Fisisim, I used to say that “even dirty water can put out a fire” and so I did not allow sijui bad looks to deny me of any opportunity.
At that time, I had a Mmeru persons who despite being loving and caring, was short tempered and could explode at anything. She is the only woman who has ever slapped me severally and I felt like I deserved it. I keep saying we Greeks love our women so much we let them beat us without fighting back, because we don’t want to hurt them. But then the media reports that we are being battered.
But lets talk about that some other time. So I loved my Mmeru very much (I don’t know why but us Greeks have a thing for our cousins from another mother). But due to being a radical Fisist, I could not settle for one. As you know, when you chose the wrong path, satan also chooses you and starts mentoring you. If you have ever noticed, if you chose to start cheating, it become so easy and persons become easily available. Don’t be deceived that your lines are on point, or that you suddenly became a hot nigga…it is the work of satan. He engages his director of human resources and recruitment who delivers the persons to your doorstep so easily.
So this is what was happening to me. I would get into a matatu and a yellow yellow would start smiling at me, and by the time I am alighting the matatu, she is already in box and by the following day I would find my picture as her profile picture. Again, I would go to church and after the priest said tusalimiane za amani, a yellow yellow would instead hug me and tell me she likes my perfume, despite having used Arimis as the only cosmetic on my body. Then things would start from there…I tell you when you chose the wrong path, satan clears your way and makes things easy for you, so that you can go nyweee up to hell.
So I must say that at around that time, I saw very many canaans. Remember I still had my Mmeru, who despite being a live wire, I still loved.Now Fisi-ology strongly advises that you should avoid playing friendly matches on home ground. It also advises that if you have to play them at home ground, make the entry to the stadium by the home fans very difficult. This means avoiding situations like your main chick having keys to your house etc. But I always ignored this chapter of the DaFisi-code. So my Mmeru had keys to every room in my house including the toilet. But we had an agreement that she should never come to my house without first informing me, and somehow it used to work.
On this particular day, I had one persons that I had known from the shop where I used to buy cds. Satan had made her curious to know whether I really used all those cds I used to buy, and on that day, she had come to confirm that literally. There had been no power the whole day, and so she came to lighten my day a bit. As I was exercising my borrowing skills, my phone also went out due to low power. They say that when the day comes for the monkey to die, all trees tremble and become slippery. Funny thing, you might find it’s the same satan shaking the trees. This is because at the same time, satan told bae to miss me and want to see me.
So she started calling me but my phone was off. She tried for long and decided to ask my friends, who said they had not seen me for two days. She feared for her bae and decided the only solution was to come look for me at the house. Remember she had all the keys. It was a properly choreographed plan to finish me. Satan is not a kipii. When she came, I heard as if the door was being opened but the canaan was so good that I imagined it’s the neighbour’s door. But then I heard a familiar voice call me ati “hello bae are you in?”
The speed at which I ejected from canaan was terrific and before I could wear clothes, the bedroom door was being opened.In short, that is how I got several dents on my head and also got several temporary tattoos on my body, thanks to her nails. In the heat of things, my other persons escaped and left me in the boiling water. Don’t joke with Wa-meru women. That’s how I reformed into the good guy you now know.