Standards ni lazima whether you are 15 or 150yrs old

So I went to see a friend today, who is really unwell, I never knew depression could make a person so ill that they become bed ridden. So this lady who is about 3 years older than me has been with her husband since she was like 20. We grew up together and our families are family friends. So we go waaayyy back.

So basically it’s her marriage that has led to the situation she’s in because the guy is and has always been abusive, from the get go I advised her against the relationship but she decided to vumilia. When she got to age 30, she told me she’d invested too much time in the relationship she could not just let it go.
I believe this is an impediment to freedom Harry Browne calls, the sunk costs fallacy where because you don’t want to lose your sunk costs you stay in a sinking ship and keep on investing more and more.

So anyway, today we had a very candid heart to heart and she asked me how I have managed not to get bogged down or trapped in bad relationships. So I told her from a young age I understood what it’s like to be in a difficult relationship. So by the time I came of age, I didn’t have the level of tolerance my peers had for bad relationships. I was just happy to be free. Free of having to put up with conflict and stress in the name of love. My peace of mind and happiness were invaluable to me. I didn’t need time to think about it. If it wasn’t making me happy that’s a good enough reason for me to call it a day.

Over the years, we have been close and I’ve been like what red peels call an emotional tampon. She was always complaining about her husband who has now left her. And I always used to ask her why can’t she just walk away? She told me she’s vumiliaring for the kids and to avoid social stigma of being a single mother.

I remember one day I got so mad at her, that I told her that I didn’t want to hear any more about that man. I asked who are these whose opinion she fears so much she’s willing to throw away her happiness and peace of mind for. She told me, it’s just people. So I was like how do these people whose opinion is so important to you, do for you? What value do they add to your life. Does their approval pay your bills?

So long story short, she struggled to keep up a facade so that people who are of no real consequence could approve of her. Now the same stigma she was putting up with hell for, has come to her, by the husband leaving. She’s now a single mother.

So the question that kept coming to my mind was why are women so affected by what others think of them to the point that they can stay in an abusive relationship to please other people who do not even add any value to their lives. Why do women give away their personal power so much. To people who are irrelevant? It is hard for me to understand bcz for me what people think has stopped me from doing whatever I want. Even when I was a kid and I was dependent, I just always did whatever the hell I wanted then face the consequences later. I am just a free spirit like that. So it’s so hard4me2relate2people who are controlled by what people who are of no consequence will think of them.

To me life is very simple, if something doesn’t work for you, just leave it alone, you won’t die. No explanation or rationalization needed. The fact that it’s not making you a better person or adding value to you is enough justification to leave. I can’t remember the last time I was stressed bcz of someone else bcz even if you are my siblings ukianza kunikula kichwa, I will just cut you off. I don’t care. I must take care of my own well-being first. Ala put on your own oxygen mask before you help others.

The world is a tough place, if you have no standards for what you will or will not accept into your space, you will suffer. It’s just that simple. Go ask the beautiful wealthy learned Dr Keitany. She allowed garbage into her life, now she’s being dragged through the mud bcz she did not have standards of what she would or wouldnt accept in her life. In life you must have standards and principles that are non negotiable through out your life cycle. Because if you do not stand for something you will fall for anything.

Are you sure she isn’t depressed because of your negative mojo?

Mambo ya mtu na bibi yake usiingilie. Wachana. Hujui huwa wanaambiana aje usiku kwa blanketi kuni ikiwa kwake.

Wahenga hawakukosea waliponena “mambo ya watu wawili ambao hunyambiana ndani ya blanketi moja hayakuhusu kamwe”.

So Makena uko like 55 years hivi ? Siwes mind kukutomba kama fisi CSR , the eldest nimewaitomba Ni 46 years

I couldn’t agree more… I’ve seen close family members struggle and the end result is always sickness, just coz you were convincing yourself, you’re doing it for the kids.
Regardless gender no one should endure a toxic marriage, your health is important. What a sad turn out for the lady…

so you want her to leave her husband because it is not working?

What negative MOJO? When I told her to leave the relationship bcz she was always complaining about it, I told her to stop complaining to me about it, if she won’t take any action to Remove herself from a toxic situation. As a matter of fact we stopped talking about her marriage a long long time ago bcz I told her ndovu hashindwi na ndovu zake and I am tired of hearing her complain. So I have nothing to do with her predicament. It’s just that we go way back so I have to be there for her in her time of need. I will be taking a contingent of pastors there to pray for her.

Refusing to face the reality bcz you are thinking positive has destroyed many lives. Better negative than sorry. All intelligent people question every thing they don’t just take everything at face value and put blind trust into things. They are skeptical and even pessimistic but in the end they are happier than optimistic people coz they are never disappointed.

@TrumanCapote Your standards are not applicable to anyone else or the human race as a whole for that matter. Does it ever occur to you that based your social standards and reasoning you described above, your family line terminates with you! assuming you are a woman, not married and don’t have an offspring. Our social diversity is our strength… The weak, the strong, the stupid, clever, tall, short, tolerant, temperamental, house niggers, field niggers, peasants, royals, noble, labourers…etc. If everyone thought like you and confused it to be the holly grain of intelligence, then the human species will be wiped out in one “intelligent” or 'liberal" generation. Therefore as much as you despise your friend’s way of life, her genealogy line will continue on while yours will be terminated at your demise and there will be less of your kind and thought.

My 2 cents.

Wahenga forgot that when things fall apart the people who will stand with you are your friends and your family. Just ask Esther Arunga

Well they were never going to get my surname anyway so hakuna hasara. My family of origin name will continue through its male members and whatever I acquire in this life will go to their offspring instead of another family. So they will be better off bcz they get mine and their fathers and mothers. They will be 3 steps ahead. Instead of enriching other families. There’s no cut off. Only consolidation. I am not building anybody but Wea I originated from. My life, my standards. Even God gives free will, so why do mere mortals think that they know better about how another person should live their lives? The world is extremely overpopulated and there’s always plenty of people having 10 kids or more although unfortunately it is always the poor. Women are no longer trapped in Compulsory procreating. Nowadays it is a personal choice. And I know several women who have declined that choice bcz it looked like a down grade to them, so all of those women will be enriching their families of origin at the end of the day. Not building entitled men who are beneath them.

Arunga is a lost cause. Huyo muchichana aliwekewa dumba ingine serious na Quincy Timberlake. Huyo ndio sasa anahitaji battalion ya pastors. The girl, after her son died from Timberlake’s uchawi/mental illness, and the state took her other children from her, stuck by him. She still refused to talk to her parents even after her mum flew to Australia to support her in court. Ati if they still refuse to recognize Quincy as her husband, there’s nothing to discuss. Sasa huyo anaeza saidika aje?

I think she was telling police and her parents, mambo ya watu wawili wasiingilie after all hata mtoto alikuwa Wao. That’s why I say that statement is wrong. Bcz kikiumana you will fall back to your friends and family.

chief!! this is HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHARSH! it is quite the statement you have made. this closes the door.

Ahuhuhu… isn’t this what you do here all day?

Bla bla bla

Kali sana. Unfortunately IQ is a predictor for not breeding.

For the religious

God seems to favor those he loves through,

  1. Multiply them (give them children)
  2. Bless the fruit of their womb (prosper the children)
  3. Bless them with grain, oil and wine (supply carbs and vitamins)
  4. Bless them with cattle (supply with protiens) who knew proteins came after carbs and vits
  5. Bless them with peaceful slumber at night (peace of mind to enjoy the above)
    In that order.

Lack of being unpredictable even to oneself.

You can’t help her. You are too self centered.
[SIZE=1]and you probably talk too much…[/SIZE]

You don’t know how good I feel when someone tells me I am selfish.

The Unselfishness Trap

by Harry Browne

[From How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World, 1973]

The Unselfishness Trap is the belief that you must put the happiness of others ahead of your own.

Unselfishness is a very popular ideal, one that’s been honored throughout recorded history. Wherever you turn, you find encouragement to put the happiness of others ahead of your own — to do what’s best for the world, not for yourself.

If the ideal is sound, there must be something unworthy in seeking to live your life as you want to live it.

So perhaps we should look more closely at the subject— -to see if the ideal is sound. For if you attempt to be free, we can assume that someone’s going to consider that to be selfish.

Each Person Seeks Happiness
We saw in Chapter 2 that each person always acts in ways he believes will make him feel good or will remove discomfort from his life. Because everyone is different from everyone else, each individual goes about it in his own way.

One man devotes his life to helping the poor. Another one lies and steals. Still another person tries to create better products and services for which he hopes to be paid handsomely. One woman devotes herself to her husband and children. Another one seeks a career as a singer.

In every case, the ultimate motivation has been the same. Each person is doing what he believes will assure his happiness. What varies between them is the means each has chosen to gain his happiness.

We could divide them into two groups labeled “selfish” and “unselfish,” but I don’t think that would prove anything. For the thief and the humanitarian each have the same motive — to do what he believes will make him feel good.

In fact, we can’t avoid a very significant conclusion: Everyone is selfish. Selfishness isn’t really an issue, because everyone selfishly seeks his own happiness.

What we need to examine, however, are the means various people choose to achieve their happiness. Unfortunately, some people oversimplify the matter by assuming that there are only two basic means: sacrifice yourself for others or make them sacrifice for you. Happily, there’s a third way that can produce better consequences than either of those two.

A Better World?

Let’s look first at the ideal of living for the benefit of others. It’s often said that it would be a better world if everyone were unselfish. But would it be?

If it were somehow possible for everyone to give up his own happiness, what would be the result? Let’s carry it to its logical conclusion and see what we find.

To visualize it, let’s imagine that happiness is symbolized by a big red rubber ball. I have the ball in my hands — meaning that I hold the ability to be happy. But since I’m not going to be selfish, I quickly pass the ball to you. I’ve given up my happiness for you.

What will you do? Since you’re not selfish either, you won’t keep the ball; you’ll quickly pass it on to your next-door neighbor. But he doesn’t want to be selfish either, so he passes it to his wife, who likewise gives it to her children.

The children have been taught the virtue of unselfishness, so they pass it to playmates, who pass it to parents, who pass it to neighbors, and on and on and on.

I think we can stop the analogy at this point and ask what’s been accomplished by all this effort. Who’s better off for these demonstrations of pure unselfishness?

How would it be a better world if everyone acted that way? Whom would we be unselfish for? There would have to be a selfish person who would receive, accept, and enjoy the benefits of our unselfishness for there to be any purpose to it. But that selfish person (the object of our generosity) would be living by lower standards than we do.

For a more practical example, what is achieved by the parent who “sacrifices” himself for his children, who in turn are expected to sacrifice themselves for their children, and so on? The unselfishness concept is a merry-go-round that has no ultimate purpose. No one’s self-interest is enhanced by the continual relaying of gifts from one person to another to another.

Perhaps most people have never carried the concept of unselfishness to this logical conclusion. If they did, they might reconsider their pleas for an unselfish world.

Negative Choices

But, unfortunately, the pleas continue, and they’re a very real part of your life. In seeking your own freedom and happiness, you have to deal with those who tell you that you shouldn’t put yourself first. That creates a situation in which you’re pressured to act negatively — to put aside your plans and desires in order to avoid the condemnation of others.

As I’ve said before, one of the characteristics of a free person is that he’s usually choosing positively — deciding which of several alternatives would make him the happiest; while the average person, too often, is choosing which of two or three alternatives will cause him the least discomfort.

When the reason for your actions is to avoid being called “selfish” you’re making a negative decision and thereby restricting the possibilities for your own happiness.

You’re in the Unselfishness Trap if you regretfully pay for your aunt’s surgery with the money you’d saved for a new car, or if you sadly give up the vacation you’d looked forward to in order to help a sick neighbor.

You’re in the trap if you feel you’re required to give part of your income to the poor, or if you think that your country, community, or family has first claim on your time, energy, or money.

You’re in the Unselfishness Trap any time you make negative choices that are designed to avoid being called “selfish.”

It isn’t that no one else is important. You might have a self-interest in someone’s well-being, and giving a gift can be a gratifying expression of the affection you feel for him. But you’re in the trap if you do such things in order to appear unselfish.

Helping Others

There is an understandable urge to give to those who are important and close to you. However, that leads many people to think that indiscriminate giving is the key to one’s own happiness. They say that the way to be happy is to make others happy; get your glow by basking in the glow you’ve created for someone else.

It’s important to identify that as a personal opinion. If someone says that giving is the key to happiness, isn’t he saying that’s the key to his happiness? To assume that his opinions are binding upon you is a common form of the Identity Trap (covered in chapter 2).

I think we can carry the question further, however, and determine how efficient such a policy might be. The suggestion to be a giver presupposes that you’re able to judge what will make someone else happy. And experience has taught me to be a bit humble about assuming what makes others happy.

My landlady once brought me a piece of her freshly baked cake because she wanted to do me a favor. Unfortunately, it happened to be a kind of cake that was distasteful to me. I won’t try to describe the various ways I tried to get the cake plate back to her without being confronted with a request for my judgment of her cake. It’s sufficient to say that her well-intentioned favor interfered with my own plans.

And now, whenever I’m sure I know what someone else “needs,” I remember that incident and back off a little. There’s no way that one person can read the mind of another to know all his plans, goals, and tastes.

You may know a great deal about the desires of your intimate friends. But indiscriminate gift-giving and favor-doing is usually a waste of resources — or, worse, it can upset the well-laid plans of the receiver.

When you give to someone else, you might provide something he values — but probably not the thing he considers most important. If you expend those resources for yourself, you automatically devote them to what you consider to be most important. The time or money you’ve spent will most likely create more happiness that way.

If your purpose is to make someone happy, you’re more apt to succeed if you make yourself the object. You’ll never know another person more than a fraction as well as you can know yourself.

Do you want to make someone happy? Go to it — use your talents and your insight and benevolence to bestow riches of happiness upon the one person you understand well enough to do it efficiently — yourself. I guarantee that you’ll get more genuine appreciation from yourself than from anyone else.

Give to you.

Support your local self.


As I indicated earlier in this chapter, it’s too often assumed that there are only two alternatives: (1) sacrifice your interests for the benefit of others; or (2) make others sacrifice their interests for you. If nothing else were possible, it would indeed be a grim world.

Fortunately, there’s more to the world than that. Because desires vary from person to person, it’s possible to create exchanges between individuals in which both parties benefit.

For example, if you buy a house, you do so because you’d rather have the house than the money involved. But the seller’s desire is different — he’d rather have the money than the house. When the sale is completed, each of you has received something of greater value than what you gave up — otherwise you wouldn’t have entered the exchange. Who, then, has had to sacrifice for the other?

In the same way, your daily life is made up of dozens of such exchanges — small and large transactions in which each party gets something he values more than what he gives up. The exchange doesn’t have to involve money; you may be spending time, attention, or effort in exchange for something you value.

Mutually beneficial relationships are possible when desires are compatible. Sometimes the desires are the same — like going to a movie together. Sometimes the desires are different — like trading your money for someone’s house. In either case, it’s the compatibility of the desires that makes the exchange possible.

No sacrifice is necessary when desires are compatible. So it makes sense to seek out people with whom you can have mutually beneficial relationships.

Often the “unselfishness” issue arises only because two people with nothing in common are trying to get along together — such as a man who loves bowling and hates opera married to a woman whose tastes are the opposite. If they’re to do things together, one must “sacrifice” his pleasure for the other. So each might try to encourage the other to be “unselfish.”

If they were compatible, the issue wouldn’t arise because each would be pleasing the other by doing what was in his own self-interest.

An efficiently selfish person is sensitive to the needs and desires of others. But he doesn’t consider those desires to be demands upon him. Rather, he sees them as opportunities — potential exchanges that might be beneficial to him. He identifies desires in others so that he can decide if exchanges with them will help him get what he wants.

He doesn’t sacrifice himself for others, nor does he expect others to be sacrificed for him. He takes the third alternative: he finds relationships that are mutually beneficial so that no sacrifice is required.

Please Yourself
Everyone is selfish; everyone is doing what be believes will make himself happier. The recognition of that can take most of the sting out of accusations that you’re being “selfish.” Why should you feel guilty for seeking your own happiness when that’s what everyone else is doing, too?

The demand that you be unselfish can be motivated by any number of reasons: that you’d help create a better world, that you have a moral obligation to be unselfish, that you give up your happiness to the selfishness of someone else, or that the person demanding it has just never thought it out.

Whatever the reason, you’re not likely to convince such a person to stop his demands. But it will create much less pressure on you if you realize that it’s his selfish reason. And you can eliminate the problem entirely by looking for more compatible companions.

To find constant, profound happiness requires that you be free to seek the gratification of your own desires. It means making positive choices.

If you slip into the Unselfishness Trap, you’ll spend a good part of your time making negative choices — trying to avoid the censure of those who tell you not to think of yourself. You won’t have time to be free.

If someone finds happiness by doing “good works” for others, let him. That doesn’t mean that’s the best way for you to find happiness.

And when someone accuses you of being selfish, just remember that he’s upset only because you aren’t doing what he selfishly wants you to do.

Poke any saint deeply enough, and you touch self-interest.

— Irving Wallace

[From How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World, 1973]

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