I know 99.7645% of you din’t understand what I was talking about in my first Slow Sunday post.
So let me post something up your alley.
The other day I attended the funeral of a neiba in Ndeiya - a woman. She died at about 80.
Now, this was one of the most loose women I ever knew - even when 70, she ferked anything that moved. I remember when I was in uni and had boom, she used to offer to ferk me for 2 reds when I was alone at home during hols, even though there was a 20 year age difference - and that’s huge for a boy of 19. It always got me rather embarrassed, and I never did it.
(And that despite the fact that she knew I was banging her 17-year old daughter!)
She would get banged by any Tom, Dick and @Wakanyama in the bushes along the village paths at night as she walked home, kadoogie style, after drinking in the local shebeens. One time I even found her being banged by Wafula, my guka’s cow-hand, in the cowshed. They didn’t stop even when they knew I was there.
For a period of about five years, she even run away from her matrimonial home and became a full-blown whore in Ngara and Dagoretti Market, selling kuma to the butchers there. You know those fat ugly smoke-smelling village mamas who used to peddle kuma at 30/=. Yeah, those…
One time, when doing murat with the village wazees (I was a darling to them), I was stunned to learn that half her eleven kids were not fathered by her poor husband, the village carpenter. The wazees said walikuwa “ciana cia kware” - children of the quarry.
And then, about five years ago as she started ailing, SHE GOT SAVED!
When she died - AND THIS IS WHAT I WAS LEADING TO - lo and behold, she was BURIED BY THE PCEA CHURCH WILL FULL HONOURS! Virtually all the pastors from the locality were in attendance!
As I listened to speaker after speaker after speaker intone her virtues and Christian faith, I wondered whether they were talking about the same person. I mean this was a woman of the age of my mother who once came to our kitchen and lifted her skirt to reveal a bushy vagina, and told me: “Kai kiino gia Chiku gigithaka gukira kia nyina? Nduii kigwa gicokagia murio gitina?” (Is my daughter Chiku’s vagina better looking than this? You don’t know sugarcane becomes sweeter with age?).
This thing of having all the sins you committed in 79 years being forgiven at your deathbed - there’s something very twisted and moronic about that.
Its one of those things that make me not be religious. Whats the use of a life of devotion when I could wait until the last minute and then magically be cleansed?
Anyway, RIP in Mama Chiku. Looking back, I wish I ferked you and ticked that box.