SLICES ON OFFER (TO HIT OR NOT)

The following events took place on a working day last week

After a successful day’s work, I leave the office and head to Bus Station to board a mat to my hood. Usually kuna City Shuttle and three other matatu saccos to choose from. Kama kawaida, I pass the City Shuttle buses then choose a noisy ‘nganya’ then sit next to a window. I get into Ktalk and Kwa Zukabaga as more passengers trickle in.

A fine brown skin sits next to me. I steal glances to make an assessment and subsequently settle on an 8/10 rating. As the mat gets full and starts snaking its way around the traffic jam, I weigh my fisi_cal chances with the ngeus by asking my tested and proven ice-breaker question “Nifungue hii dirisha ama uko sawa na hii joto?” She responds in the affirmative, “Fungua kiasi, it’s a little stuffy in here”. I steal more glances and then raise the ratings to 8.5/10 based on a closer assessment.

I then engage her in small talk about the jam and weather but then I decide that I wouldn’t go full throttle with my fisiful intentions on the day. I intended to only throw a few hints then get the phone number and spare the puthi-hunt for some other day. As the mat moves out of the CBD, she starts dozing and I drift into browsing on Ktalk and MKZ. Her head moves back and forth, as the mat motions dictate and it sometimes lands on my shoulder, which I told myself ‘sigwes mind’.

The tout awakens her while collecting his dues and she goes apologetic for having her head leaning on my shoulder, “Haki pole, ni usingizi imekua mob”. I then throw a soft dart “Nita_revenge na kukulalia pia”. She gives a naughty smile and I know my chances are high. I go ahead “Wewe hata nafaa kukupiga fine sana sababu bibi akiskia hio mafuta yako ya nywele kwa koti yangu nitakua kwa shida sana.” Dear Talkers, her next reply confirmed that it’s a sure bet, “Sio lazima ajue, kwani utatenda kumuonyesha? Kua mjanja.” That gave me an instant boner and I went into full fisi mode, throwing clearly intended darts. Nikapewa number and even set a date for this weekend.

To my delight, we alighted at the same stage. I was torn between whether the proximity of our residences would be an enabler or obstacle to getting slices since chances of the classified info reaching the first lady would be high. Nikaona amechukua nduthi na mimi nikaingia supermarket at least nisiingie kwa pigsty mkono mtupu then headed home.

Kufika kejani nikaona unfamiliar feminine shoes nje ya mlango. Kuingia ndani I get the biggest shock this year. Who else but the ngeus I was darting ameshika my seven month-old kipii na wako juu ya story na Khupipi. I tried my very best to suppress my shock and I could tell that she was doing the same too. Khupipi went ahead to do an introduction. She was a friend of hers who had come ‘kushika mtoto’. Wueh! I really tried to put on a straight face and avoid any suspicion.

Khupipi akaenda kutengeneza kachai tukawachwa na yeye na mjunior. We exchanged glances and she made funny faces. I quickly gulped down my tea then nikajipa shughuli nje ati naenda kuona kuku na kuchoma takataka. I didn’t go back into the house until she left and I waved goodbye from the farthest end of the compound.
During supper I tactfully enquired some info about her, key among which was her relationship status. I was informed that she was in a serious relationship with some guy that didn’t work out but Khupipi didn’t know about her current status. I didn’t want to probe her further so as not to raise any suspicion. Since then, we have engaged in general talk then today she enquired whether our date is still on tomorrow. I am still undecided and told her that I will confirm by evening, as I ask myself “What would @uwesmake do?”

Eminent Sponsors, Dignified Elders and Esteemed Villagers, nashindwa kama itakua noma ama I hit and run. Comments, matusi and valuable advice are very welcome. [SIZE=2](The mbisha and effidens battalion naona kama I will disappoint you since I might breach the privacy code nikimuanika hapa. Lakini nikipewa green light by @Deorro ama @Jamaa wa turedio ntaweka) [/SIZE]

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Funny faces always give me a boner and indicate a through pass but according to the village protocol kama hujatumia jina pretty eyebrows hutoboi. Ni hayo tu. Next fisi!

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Tumesema mara nyingi musikuje kutupima akili hapa!Enjoy holiday taratibu ukingoja shule zifunguliwe September.

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Wewe hata uko na akili ya kupimwa?

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unforshunateley caaanani hakuna njina ya muendesha nduthi
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My genuine advise…pass.
They are friends with your wife. Most likely atamwabia wife some day in future after wamekosana…think of how ur wife will feel at the thought of u having been milking her friend behind her back. Trust me, hata ka utakamua once, wife tafikiri u have been milking her friend for long.
Ur wife might revenge and u won’t like it if u will live to tell.

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Uppercut

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You’re a married man, tosheka na bibi yako! Nkt

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Delete hiyo number kwa phone yako na evidence yote and pretend it never happened. Na ukiweza kudelete messages kwa phone yake pia ufanye hivyo.

Alafu wewe ni fala. Watu wataambiwa mara ngapi chezea mbali. Unakatianaje kwa matatu ya kuenda home(where your wife and child live, where you have neighbours, any if whom could’ve been in the matatu.)

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Kama unakumbuka ukiwa kipii, sasa uko kwa hii
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It was all fun when it was cruising down the hill, until it reached a bend or lost control. Jiamulie

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shida anaweza kublackmail mkikosana…en the other problem is you live in the same neighborhood

Please, help me.
How did you move from the first line to the second? I always freeze at that point. Details pls, saidia serikal. Are you able to replay the convo?

hekaya iko onpoint lakini kitu sielewi.

Unasema …nikaingia supermarket at least nisiingie kwa pigsty mkono mtupu then headed home… alafu tena unasema …nikajipa shughuli nje ati naenda kuona kukukwani nguruwe ziko wapi??

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Hiyo stori inafaa kua iliisha vile ulipatana na fiatu fyake pale mlangoni. Bibi akipata evidence Ya phone number ataanza kukushuku.
And you know very well that suspicion destroys trust and eventually kills the marriage.
Cheza mbali bro!!!

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wueh, huyo wachana naye…instead propmote mwingine na hio number :slight_smile:

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Pigsty means residential house. KTalk Curator @Ice cube letea huyu wrink ya lexicon thread

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Uongo imeanza hapa.:D:D

Ni uchungu kuwachilia nyama ilikua already kwa mdomo lakini ni kama nitakubali tu

“Kua mjanja”. I read a desperate and clingy lady. Hii Pass.

An African man is naturally polygamous

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