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No matter how we want to put it. This word co-parenting is a hoax. The parent living with the kids is the only one doing the parenting. The parent who picks the kids every other weekend and takes them out and returns them and occasionally goes with them for a weekend or a week is not doing parenting. That’s a pizza parent. Reminds me how as kids people visit aunties for a weekend and are at their best and auntie is at their best cooking niceties and treats and we call that favourite auntie. That’s what the other parent is. Until you live with someone for at least 45 out of the 52 weeks, let’s not call that parenting. You are a sweet favourite parent.
The live in parent has to deal with the midnight sweats, the fevers, the days the kid can’t sleep or just has a bad day and listen to the gruntles. The live in parent has to discipline the kid and have a candid talk about why some behaviours and habits are wrong. The live in parent is the one that gets the attitude face when adolescence strikes in. The live in parent is the one to teach all those co-living and life skills. The live in parent is the conflict mediator, the nurse, the storyteller, the caregiver, the ambulance, the police, the cook and cleaner, instructor, the enemy and friend.
That aside, the live in parent is the one that gets judged for any silly habits. She stays out late and the kids will call and ask where they are, her visitors must be in seen in the comfort of the kids or not be seen at all by kids. They can’t bring in random guests coz what will people say…
And then no matter how much someone is getting financial support from the other spouse, the live in parent is the one that still buys the little surprise treats that make family come together and excited to be family. The live in parent tries to create a family bond in this half assed setup and the society will still judge her. You see how our mothers used to come home with bananas, oranges and cut them up and share amid laughter, the live in parent does all that. It’s refreshing but truth be said, it’s draining because after all is said and done. You go to your room and the shower flows over you and you lie on that bed, alone, scared of tomorrow, maybe. No one to tell about your day.
That said, it’s hard to date as a live in parent because here’s a weekend and you think of spending time with your kids or that boyfriend and it’s just hard to balance because you are a mother first. Pray for me this year to balance because, I need a life. I have spent almost all night’s on this bed as long as I am in this city and today I have asked myself who has tied me here? It comes out I am a terrible liar and I can’t even lie to my own kids why I won’t be home for a night if I am not travelling out of town. I think I need a rich boyfriend coz when I travel I send my kids photos of where I am and they get excited. How do I send them pics of me in an estate in Nairobi… Sorry I have Airbnb phobia. No one’s gonna kill me and leave me there for statistics…
I love my kids. I cherish the moments we have. But truth be told, parenting alone is draining and sometimes I feel utterly helpless. Sometimes I need a hug at the end of the day, a pat on the shoulders and sometimes just someone to hold my hands and be silent beside me.
I need a life. I need a life. I need, A LIFE.
May the day break.
NOTE
This post is not about criminalising the other parent. Sometimes, that’s the only thing that works especially in Kenya coz of school and all. This post is about sharing the weight of the live in parent as the primary caregiver. No matter how we look at it, it’s hard being the main custodian.