I must have told this hekaya in Klist but my memory fails me. In the remote chance that i didnt, dear fruends, may i kindly request that you spread them eyes wide and reserve me a chance to fuack up your brains.
One Thursday morning many calendars past, on a Kilifi bound matatu, i sat on the second row from the driver, window seat next to a Giraima momo of indeterminate age at the time. I first noticed the momo when she, with an elderly lady came to board the Mat , each on either side of an elderly man, a close relative nevertheless, who was obviously and visibly ill disposed to almost invalid state. They , with stage makangas to crown, caused some ruckus as they helped the old man to board next to the driver, with the elderly lady, his wife presumably, on the window seat to offer lumber support. The momo, having sucured her dad, assumption at the time, boarded the mat, surveyed for a seat, and though three other were in the offing, she chose to seat next to this grandson of an Ancient Patriarch.
I subconsciously noticed her, felt her pain for a sick relative, and went back to my phone for some hekaya reading.
We thus commenced the journey on a devil may care altitude from me, and god help us all from her. We hit Mtwapa, without incidence, the sisal farms came and went, and that sharp corner before the descent and ascent to Mavueni was uneventful. By chance or design, i lifted my eyes long enough to see her firmly staring at my screen. She looked away. A moment later she was back on my screen. I went. Blank. She shifted uneasily. I went to message, and hovered on the blank screen. She made no attempt to shift her gaze. The fisi in me went bersk. But how could i open. We had been quiet three quarters of the journey. I made some quick thinking.
I went back to message, and typed in caps.POLE KWA MZEE. And held the phone in her sight. She read it, loked at me at that akward angle only possible in a side by side seat in a mat. The she mumbled some inaudible response.
Then i cleared the screen, typed my number, then typed FLASH THIS No.
She looked at the screen, hesitated for almost a minute, and as true as @Horus is mama shetani, she groped inside her bag, took out a phone and dialed my number. She let it ring thrice then disconnected. By this, we were in Kilifi. She scrambled out and together with her mum, helped the old man into a Tuk tuk and off they went towards Kilifi General.
That Saturday evening, she flashed, and i called back. I enquired of the Mzee, and was reassured that he was stable though had suffered a stroke my months back. We talked alot, and at length, as is customary, we came to slices and my odds at that. It was made clear that though it was still early, the possibility was very viable. The only hindrance being transport, at which, on promise of slices, i mpesad a K on monday . she was due for my place on Wednesday, but she went mteja. I rioted in my head for being so gullible but i put it down to the cost of hunting for slices. That weekend, she flashed thrice, and i called back, intent to, and i i did, to put her in her female fraudster corner. She took it well, bid me to give her a second throw, that she would proof her honesty. I was in a dry place, so i sent half a K. Meet kesho, sunday. She didnt show.
I wrote her a scathing message, deleted her number, removed her 60gb butt from my memory and formatted my brains afresh.
A week later, on a sunday afternoon, my Nokia sang, i picked, she identified herself, with enquiries to my final hundred meter directions to my crib. I couldnt believe my luck, went out to confirm and saw her next to the Maasai kibanda. I gave her the magnetic North, she turned, saw me in the blue buggy short, came grinning like a bonobo on dry spell. She gave me a very reassuring embrace and i ushered her into my bedsitter.
I fed her, bathed her and after enough insistment, # , she spent a night, and a day and a night. On tuesday morning, barely walking, and the tree badly bruised, i escorted her to Buxton, where she took a Mat home, with three K to buy some mafuta ya nywele.
The moral here is Donald Trump will fuck as badly for the next four years. Lets all collectively shave our backsides.
Good tidings friends…