of the ladies in the village

How to scratch your itchy scalp: a guide for women who suffer The Horror Of The Itching Scalp from time to time.
It’s just one week after fixing your hair, and you’re there looking pretty and confident in your braids or weave, and then Satan sends his council of demons to plant an itch on your scalp. And because the enemy knows just where to strike (we rebuke him and we bind him in the mighty name of Jesus), the incredibly irresistible itch is strategically planted exactly where you’ve tied your bun, or just underneath the line where the weave has been sewn. A place you cannot reach without messing your hair. And because the enemy knows precisely when to strike, the itch is planted when you’re in the middle of something very important, like, say, performing a high-risk operation on a patient.
What you will need:
Strong arms and fingers
Lack of self-control (you cannot ignore an itch. You have to scratch it)

  1. Curl your fingers into deadly claws and dig them through your hair to your scalp. If you have those long, frightening stick-on talons, you already have great weapons.
  2. Scratch. Fiercely. Until those disgusting, atrocious scratching sounds can be heard by everyone within a 10-mile radius, making some of them vomit.
  3. While still scratching, close your eyes. Tightly.
  4. While still scratching and with your eyes tightly shut, suck in air through your teeth.
  5. While still scratching with eyes shut tightly and sucking air through your teeth, moan. Groan. Murmur. Complain. Slap your head.
  6. Reach for something long, thin and sharp that can access those inaccessible locations underneath the hair where those (b)itches are hiding. But keep in mind that people in your workplace will not lend you their pens because they know. They know that after writing two words you will drive the pen through those layers of hair to scratch your scalp. They have seen you do that with Martin’s pen and it broke while you were excavating that itch from your skull. And they will ‘randomly’ and ‘casually’ mention this great product they saw that gets rid of lice in the middle of a work-related conversation. The head of HR will probably pin a notice telling the staff to observe personal hygiene because you are the image of the company. And then s/he’ll send you a quick email asking if you’ve seen it.
  7. If push comes to shove, just drag your head against a wall, the way goats drag their bodies against walls to scratch their itching hides.
  8. Repeat #1 to #5 several times every half an hour until your pastor proclaims your suffering a spiritual warfare.
  9. Painfully undo your 1-week-old hair and get it fixed again.
  10. Feel your scalp getting itchy.
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