[ATTACH=full]109315[/ATTACH]
Go to hell for all we care
HAHAHAHA!
Watching you closely…
[ATTACH=full]109356[/ATTACH]
[SIZE=3]
“The man who lies to himself can be more easily offended than anyone else. You know it is sometimes very pleasant to take offense, isn’t it? A man may know that nobody has insulted him, but that he has invented the insult for himself, has lied and exaggerated to make it picturesque, has caught at a word and made a mountain out of a molehill–he knows that himself, yet he will be the first to take offense, and will revel in his resentment till he feels great pleasure in it.”[/SIZE]
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov
[SIZE=5]To anyone who is offended often, you are showing narcissistic behaviour Don’t be that guy, Everything is not about you![/SIZE]
[SIZE=6]HOW TO WIPE YOUR BUTT - PART 2[/SIZE]
[ol]
[li]Home[/li]
[li]› Blog[/li][li]› How To Wipe Your Butt - Part 2[/li][/ol]
[SIZE=4]CATEGORIES[/SIZE]
[ul]
[li]About US[/li][li]FAQs[/li][li]Blog[/li][/ul]
Now that I have (hopefully) convinced you that being a Folding Sitter is the best technique for wiping (See Part 1), let’s dig a little deeper into the actual wiping technique. The goal of a good wipe is to efficiently and thoroughly clean your underside. If you use the wrong technique, you will likely waste time, waste toilet paper and leave yourself dirty down there. Here are the steps for wiping the right way – just remember Fold, Swipe, Blot, Wipe. If you have had a normal bowel movement, you can thoroughly clean yourself with only 8 squares – sometimes only 4 squares will be enough.
STEP 1: FOLD: Start with a strip of toilet tissue 4 squares long. Fold the sheet in half and then in half again until you have the tissue one square in size and 4 sheets thick. If your toilet tissue is of lower quality you may consider using 6 squares, but your goal is a nicely folded piece of tissue 1 square in size. If you feel like you may have had a messier bowel movement, you can consider start with 2 more squares.
STEP 2: SWIPE: This step is only necessary if you feel like you might have a hanger-on (aka a “dingleberry”) that hasn’t dropped. If you feel like you need to do the swipe, it is best to fold the toilet paper one more time so that it is half a square in size – this makes the paper firmer which works better for the swipe and also gives you a little more protection for a thicker mess. You want to swipe relatively slowly and definitely lightly through your cheeks. The goal is to knock off the dingleberry so that it falls off in the toilet (another reason why it’s better to sit than stand when you wipe) or sticks to the paper. Too much pressure will cause it to smear, making a much bigger mess. If the poo on the paper is relatively thick after the swipe, you are better off just dropping the paper in the toilet at this point (as opposed to trying to fold it over and reusing it).
STEP 3: BLOT: The Blot comes after, or in lieu of, the Swipe. This should be done with a fresh set of folded paper (see STEP 1). If you have ever cleaned a spill on carpet using a commercial carpet cleaner, then you know that the instructions always say that you should blot and not scrub. The same applies for cleaning your bum. By blotting, you are causing the fecal matter to stick to the toilet paper without spreading the mess. You don’t want to blot by moving the tissue up and down (or, on and off). Instead, align the face of the tissue against your anus and use your 3 middle fingers to apply repeated pulsing pressure a few times. Remove and bring the toilet tissue back into your line of sight. Fold the tissue exactly in half over the stain. See the illustration below for more details on folding. Repeat the blotting with the folded tissue. Fold another time and then blot again. If the paper is lightly stained at this point you may be able to fold again without risking getting poo on your fingers; otherwise, drop the tissue in the toilet.
STEP 4: WIPE: The wipe should be done with a fresh set of toilet tissue after the blotting round. Sometimes you can even skip past the blotting stage if your first attempt at blotting comes back clean. For the wiping stage we recommend using Clenli Wipe Lotion on your toilet paper. Apply 1 pump of Wipe Lotion to the center of the folded paper. With 2 fingers under the center of the tissue, press the Wipe Lotion against the anus and wipe in a circular motion. Check the paper to judge how much cleaning will be necessary, fold the paper over the stain and wipe with dry tissue using a standard wiping motion starting with one cheek working inward and repeating on the other cheek. If the paper is still staining, fold it over again, reapply the Wipe Lotion on the tissue (you may only need to push halfway on the pump for less Wipe Lotion this time around) and repeat until the tissue is visibly clean.
The diagram below is an illustration of the above technique.
http://www.clenli.com/product_images/uploaded_images/wiping-diagram-980.jpg
[SIZE=6]You’ve Been Wiping Your Ass Wrong Your Entire Life — Here’s The Correct Way[/SIZE]
J. Camm
10 months ago
FACEBOOKTWITTER
[I]https://brobible-files-wordpress-com.cdn.ampproject.org/i/s/brobible.files.wordpress.com/2015/02/butt-wipe3.jpg
Shutterstock
The amount of progress we’ve made, as humans, in regard to wiping our asses, is embarrassing. It’s 2016 and the fact that we’re still shoving paper up there to clean out butthole is absurd and laughable. Look at how far technology has come in recent years — everything from computers to automobiles to video games to communication tools have evolved at warp speed. Yet, we’re still using the same technique for cleaning up post-#2 as they did on the Titanic. I just know that future cultures are going to look back at this time period and laugh at us.
At the very least, we should all be on the same page when it comes to how it’s done. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but many individuals are still not wiping their asses correctly. That individual could be YOU.
[I]
There are many different styles, techniques and variations that an individual could use for wiping their ass after making. It’s way past due that we set down some universal ground rules, because the room for error in this field is larger than you’d think. This is important, so pay attention.
[SIZE=5]THE BASICS[/SIZE]
[I]
First things first; you wipe until you’re done. This may sound like a no-brainer, but I’ve heard of, and even met, some people who believe in a set number of swipes and they’re done. They just stand up and leave, regardless of their posterior’s status. I cannot stress this point enough; YOU WIPE UNTIL THERE’S NOTHING LEFT. You may ace it and take only one wipe, or it may take you 50, but your job is only complete once you wipe and see that nothing remains.
Which brings me to my next point; it’s OK to look. Some people think it’s gross to take a peek at what they’ve produced so they simply drop it into the toilet without checking. How are you supposed to even track your progress? That’s like an evil villain capturing the hero and leaving him for dead without confirming that their plans were a success. Hint — the plan is never a success! When it comes to wiping your ass, you can’t just assume. You have to stick around and make sure it goes well! So always check to be 100% confident that you’re done. Furthermore, taking a look at where you stand is a great way to estimate what kind of time commitment you’re about to embark on, as well as reminisce about that Cobb salad you had for lunch.
When wiping, it’s important to find a balance between aggressive and weak. If you go too weak, then you’re leaving yourself vulnerable to hidden nuggets that may go undetected and only pop up later in the day when you start to notice your seat smells and you’ve got some inexplicable itching. Nobody wants to have to go back in, feeling defeated, for a re-wipe. Also, you better factor new underwear into your weekly budget if you’re not using enough force. However, you can’t use too much force. We are dealing with paper here, after all. The last thing anyone wants is to be cleaning up back there and suddenly have an index finger that looks like a Twix bar. So, make sure to find your proper middle ground when wiping.
People often ask me “Tyler, how much toilet paper should I be using?” (Alright, nobody has ever actually asked me that) and I always tell them the same thing; “As much as you need.” I don’t recommend going through half a roll every time you sit down, but there is really no limit to your toilet paper usage as long as you don’t clog the toilet. A major factor in the amount of TP you go through is how many fold-overs you do per wipe. Personally, I think three folds is a fair number. This way, you’re not wasting any paper by wiping your ass with a phone book each time, but you’re also creating a fair separation between your hand and the actual muck itself. I’ve met people who use 12 feet of toilet paper per wipe and that’s just unnecessary.
[SIZE=5]THE TECHNIQUE[/SIZE]
Now that the basics are out of the way, here comes the tricky part: the wiping technique. Let’s break down some of the more popular ones. For starters, there’s The Stand. I would estimate that nearly 50% of people I speak to about the subject admit to standing upright to wipe. This blows my mind. The goal is to keep the butt cheeks spread as wide open as possible during the whole process as to keep things neat and avoid any unwanted squishing. Standing, in my opinion, does just that — It smashes everything together, making it one big, awful mess to clean up.
Another popular technique is The Front Reach. I, for one, could never even dream of attempting this due to sheer size constraints. The Front Reach is when an individual, still sitting on the bowl, reaches their TP-equipped arm between their legs and deep into the bowl, reaching to the back of their ass and wiping forward. I see many issues with this technique. Firstly, I’d be petrified about reaching my arm into that dismal abyss. Who knows how large of a pile I’ve created, and I’m expected to blindly throw one of my most valuable limbs right in there? No thanks. Also, my arm is too big and the access point between my legs is too small for this to function. This is really a specialty maneuver for the smaller individuals. Moreover, I don’t condone the back-to-balls strategy (this applies to ladies as well). I’d rather push the mess farther away from my genitals, not directly at them.
My preferred technique is The Side/Lean/Tilt. If you’re a righty, you’ll want to lean your body over to the left so that your right arm can do its thing. If you’re a lefty, then it’s vice versa. I like this technique because you’re butt gets to remain at least partially on the seat, therefore you can use the bowl to keep your cheeks separated. It’s simple, its easy, and its effortless. Rather than contorting your body and reaching underneath yourself, you simply lean over and bring your hand around as if you were scratching your lower back. Just, you know, a bit lower.
[/I][/I][/I]
http://www.utne.com/~/media/Images/UTR/Editorial/Layout/UR-Logo.png
[SIZE=6]How to Pee Standing Up[/SIZE]
The simply designed Whizzy helps women take a stand
by Tori Marlan, from Chicago Reader
September-October 1999
Tweet
http://assets.pinterest.com/images/pidgets/pinit_fg_en_rect_red_28.png
Print Email
Janis Wagner cradles her head in her hands. She says she probably shouldn’t admit this because, well, it might be a misdemeanor. But she has to confess—she’s a public urinator. And it’s fun! She giggles wildly.
We’re sitting in her apartment talking about Whizzy, the product she invented so that women can “stand and urinate with ease.” She unzips a plastic bag and pulls out a specially cut and folded piece of manila paper. It’s a simple device, she explains; you just hold it between your legs and unfold it so that it forms a trough. It adjusts to the user’s “contours and stance,” says the pink instructional pamphlet, and then you just “relax, aim, and go.”
“I love it, I love it,” exults Wagner, a 50-year-old former dancer, choreographer, and social worker with a law degree.
With Whizzy, women finally can write their names in the snow or spray off the side of a sailboat—something Wagner has longed to do since childhood, when her younger brother got to have all the fun. Wagner insists that she isn’t alone in this desire, that every woman has had the stand-up-and-pee fantasy.
But it wasn’t penis envy that inspired her. When Wagner developed muscular rheumatism, simple tasks became punishing chores. Sitting was excruciating unless she limbered up for at least an hour beforehand—not possible with a bursting bladder. A “midair squat” didn’t make using the toilet easier. Neither did a raised seat. Wagner—what could she do?—began urinating upright into paper cups and paper-plate gutters that she pointed wishfully in the direction of the toilet. But the cups tended to run over, and the plates leaked or missed the target. So she took scissors to paper and toyed with her own designs.
Wagner experimented with different papers and shapes, taking notes on effectiveness, ease, and comfort. The optimal design, she says, has trajectory: “You will not go on your feet. You will not go on your clothes.”
Between fits of sidesplitting laughter, Wagner and a friend tried many names—Urine Luck, Piss With This, Stand & Deliver, E-Z-P—before they decided on Whizzy. When a patent search revealed competition, Wagner tried out the handful of existing models and found that they disintegrated or required intricate unfolding or straddling a toilet. One came with an unwieldy hose. “You can tell a man invented that one,” she scoffs.
Satisfied that Whizzy was the best, she forged ahead. She now makes two models under the company name New Angle Products. The travel model, which fits into most purses, has cutout handles for women with arthritis who can’t grip the sides. The standard one, Wagner says, allows a longer trajectory. “In Sears one day, it was a mess around the toilet. I stood back a good eight inches.”
Initially Wagner planned to market Whizzys through occupational therapists and arthritis foundations. Then able-bodied friends and relatives started raving about them. Her sister-in-law likes to say it’s “a new way to stand by your man.” Wagner’s brother handed them out as party favors. One partygoer, much to her husband’s chagrin, said, “I’ve always wanted to do that. And I even shook it when I was done.”
Suddenly Wagner began to notice women everywhere carping about the pitfalls of peeing, and the list of potential customers grew: airline passengers who squat unsteadily during turbulence, partyers who can’t quite make it to the nearest rest room while stumbling home, overweight women who “crash” to the toilet, dominatrices who supply golden showers.
Wagner has used Whizzys to relieve herself in alleys with her back to windows and near trees in parks, although she wants to be clear that she does this only when it’s absolutely necessary. Whizzy is quick and discreet, she says, and you don’t need toilet paper because you can wipe forward. Afterward she folds up the Whizzy, sticks it back in its plastic bag, and tucks it into her shirt pocket. “It air-dries quickly” and can be reused, though “I wouldn’t recommend it more than once.”
When the task is complete, the thrill of public urination sinks in: She has triumphed over her disability, defied nature, and flouted convention.
From Chicago Reader (May 14, 1999). Subscriptions: $95/yr. (51 issues) from 11 E. Illinois St., Chicago, IL 60611. ( Whizzy is available from New Angle Products, Box 25641, Chicago, IL 60625.)
Tweet
http://assets.pinterest.com/images/pidgets/pinit_fg_en_rect_red_28.png
inShare
Never threaten me again, you dolt.
hahaha…Keep em coming mkubwa