After i finished campus I decided there is no way I can go back to the village as I wait for graduation, after all village is only for burying when you die. I looked for job here in the city and luckily i was given small work of driving some doctors who had come from diaspora around the country. My first assignment was in Naivasha where I stayed for a week. I was driving a nice 4 wheel car and every day I was given good allowance for eating and paying lodging in one of the big hotels there. In short everyday i had like 6k to waste. Work always ended early and by 2PM we would be through. I would drop the Doctors at Crayfish and drive off to Naivasha town to swallow cold ones of Ruaraka, shoot pool and hunt for yello yellos…
with 6k to waste and driving an SUV, i felt like i owned the whole town. I went to some pub called Moxies to play pool. One of the waitresses there, a pure yello yello without blemish is what welcomed my eyes when i stepped into the pub. I felt my nuts dance a little bit as if to signal me that the yello yello is climbable…I did not want to look like a fisi. I passed her and headed straight to the pool table. I met some guys there and so that to look sophisticated I greeted them in English… I told them my name is Muhoozi Lwebakurukuru and I am from Congo. I told them that my lorries had been arrested at the Gilgil weighbridge and I am new in Naivasha town. The niggas bought my lie and talked to each other in Greek and said “maya mamundu ma Congo makoragwo na mbeca ta ngui…ta giki wona kirutite nda uguo ni gitonga kinene muno.” ( this people of Congo have money like dog… like this one you see has removed stomach is very rich)…
The yello yello waiter came over and asked me what I want to drink. She talked in swahili which I pretended not to hear and the niggas playing pool told her " ucio ti wa guuku…mwarerie githungu…na umwenderie njohi goro…ena mbeca fiu" ( he is not of here…talk to him English…and sell him of Ruaraka expensive…he has money)… I pretended not to know beers of Kenya. I looked at wall and saw picture of Guinness…I pointed in that direction and told her to bring 2 of the coldest. She came back with 2 Guinness kubwa and bill of 800…yes, she was selling me the beers 400/- each…She asked me where I am from and told her Kinshasa, where Koffi Olominde and Kanda Bongo Man come from. I told her that Mobutu Sese Seko is my late grandfather. She did not know who Mobutu Sese Seko is but the niggas playing pool told her that he is former president of Congo…
She told me I buy her drink she swallow as we talk more. I told her its okay. She went and came back with 2 Kingfishers and added to my bill each Kingfisher at 350/-…In my heart I was feeling like laughing out loud. We talked a lot, she was asking if its true people of Congo has big lions which I told her to touch mine and check if its true. She blushed and giggled. The other guys were encouraging her and telling her that if she agree I climb her, I can even pay 10k. To cut this story short, I drunk 8 beers and her 4 Kingfishers…total was coming around 4,600/-…I was now very drunk and excited. The niggas were now telling her to put rice in my drink so that I fall asleep and they steal from me. All this time I was pretending not to hear swahili or greek even small…
Amid the excitement and as I was borrowing her cookie, my phone rang. It was Wainaina on the other end. Wainaina is one of those friends I greet with an insult. I picked the call and forgot that I am Muhoozi Lwebakurukuru and shouted in greek “kwerwo atia kihii…guku Naivasha no njohi ndiranyua na njangiri ingi”…( how is it kipii…here in Naivasha is beer I am drinking with some persons)…The yello yello and the niggas playing pool all got shocked and ran out of the pub screaming…
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