I have few hobbies. I tried swimming but couldn’t coordinate the movement of hands and legs, and in the process could swallow a lot of water. Travelling and road trips are expensive for a common hasora like me, I don’t like reading, and I usually doze off in the first 10 minutes of a movie…Infact if no one has died in the first 5 minutes of a movie, or no one has jumped from the 30th floor of a building, I term it as a boring movie. So what is my hobby?.i don’t know too, but before I find out, I usually drink during my free time. I drink fobe because I know in heaven we will not need a liver. We will only need hands to clap and a mouth to sing. Afterall, I fall in the family lineage of one of the greatest brewers the country has seen, the one and only MBA EGH Kihara Murefi, legendary wine taster and founder of Wakihara Special Vodka. He brewed a lot of fobe and made people happy, but forgot to grab land for us like other men of his time. That’s why we remain hasoras in this Nyairofi. I know my grandsons will also ask where I was when other men of my time were hacking banks and winning jackpots…na mimi hapa kazi ni kusema tu Wenger Out!
So yesterday by 6pm, I was already seeing double double. Whenever I get several cold ones in my belly, I usually remember that am under a lot of pressure from back home to get a wife. I have been looking for a persons to give a contract but wapi?. Ata wale mikora wamenikataa. When I was still thinking about this, I turned around and saw a persons who was sitting at the other end of the counter drinking fobe of the bird (kingfisher), a well known facilitator and shortener of the road to canaan. I waited for some time to see if she had company but she still remained alone, glued to her phone. Now due to my interaction with sponsors, I have developed this habit of buying someone a drink and sending a waiter to deliver it, and when you see the persons asking the waiter who sent the drink, you wave and show no signs of hyenaessis. Then wait for some time and send another drink, this time she looks at you smiling like who is this??.Then that’s when you stand as if you are going to the washrooms and then say Hi as you pass. Even at this time, show no signs of hyenaessis-just look genuine. When you pass there again and ask if you could join her, she doesn’t refuse unless she is expecting someone. The rest is up to your lines and your bargaining skills. Nowadays we bargain for love like you are buying mutumba or buloti maguta maguta pale bypass. But whattundu?.Its the 21st century and more than 2,000 since Jesus died…we are very lost.
Wharamsaying is that one hour later we were sitting next to each other, with me giving her stories of giant rife rife. Stories ranging from my days in the Eastest side of Nyairofi, to how I have been conned by many people including pyramid schemes, safaricom shares, quails, and now I suspect Gakuyo is also going to con me. She also gave me a share of her stories of giant, as I bought fobe of the bird two by two. Soon, she was also seeing things triple triple. She asked if I dance, and so as not to look dull, I told her tusimame. Am one of the poorest dancers you’ll meet in your lifetime, but with a few cold ones resting in my belly, I usually try moving my body allilobit, though huwa na-dance kama Raila Jakom baba. At least I know the sponsor dance where you hold a persons by one hand alafu unamzungusha with the hand over her head. I don’t know who invented that dance, but that is all I can dance. Naeza kuzungusha ivo mpaka uskie ki-english-english (kizunguzungu). She also shook for me sudus allilobit, and as I looked at her, the song in my head was “Maya ni mafataro makwa…wooi maya ni mafataro makwa…nimo maya nyitite.”… In short it was fun.
After we sat to take a breather, I went to the washrooms and when coming back, a nigga nearby called me and told me to take a seat. He told me “buda, chunga sana huyo dame uko naye ni bibi ya mtu…huyo jamaa akikupata nayeye itakuwa noma.” Of the things I fear, hot porridge and peoples’ wives rank highest. They can both land you in Kenyatta Hospital, one with a burnt tongue and throat, and the other with several stabbings in the sudus. I enquired further and the guy told me a lot of things that put water in my stomach. Although I was now drunk karibu macho iangaliane, I made a firm decision. I went and told her pleasure meeting you and then took my drink and went to the other side of the counter. I said several other things that I don’t remember well, but I left her surprised like wtf?.
As I struggled to climb the sinatabu stool, I saw the nigga who had told me she was someone’s wife already sitting where I was. I saw them looking at me as if they were discussing me or something. If I saw well, I saw her lips move like ‘f**k him’… From there, the guy took over. I highly suspect he told her, ‘hey that guy is married with 4 kids na bibi yake hukuja hapa kumtafuta.’
The rest of the night was a free practical lesson of what divide and rule is. The guy danced better than I did, and even bought her supper which I hadn’t thought of buying. In short, he was better than me in many things. He could even have bought me two bottoros to say sorre, but I said haisuru… Ata wahenga walisema Asiyekubali kushindwa, kiatu chake dawa.
Hours later, as I stepped out of the bar one step forward and two backwards, I could see the two holding each other and whispering into each other’s ears. Lakini wataachana tu.
Anywho, this is Nyairofi. It’s a man eat man/woman society.
Cc.Ole Weru
Hekaya iko shambamba.
Tanakali za sauti 9/10
Mteremko aka Flow 9/10
Kutia chumvi 2/10 ( Hekaya si hekaya hadi uongeze chumvi venye ulifikisha threshold)
Nevertheless its a good hekaya overall 9/10
Apana tabua mambo ya mukuru kwa zukabaga !
hulazimishwi…its a free world
Matafaka !!
Real divide and rule.
:D:D:D:D:D:D Nice hekaya.
Hekaya on point 7/10
Hapo urishezwa,
Hekaya uko on point
Wacha Huyo Jamaa muingine aliwekewa mchele.
Hii kitu ishawahi nifanyikia livelive.
leta hekaya buana
inaitwa kuchunga ng’ombe mwingine akamue hahaha!!!
Hekaya timam. Though imported from mukuru kwa zukambaga
Shukuru heavens pengine uliponea Pakistan Pishori, ama kuamka ukiwa ndethe bila kitu kwa keja.
Ulieka tractor Diesel na ikaenda kulima kwa wenyewe…n way hekaya iko swafi:D:D:D:D