Well, hello there, umeshindaje? Not that it matters, haha. So, been a while. Hope dryspell inakuua. Nliskia ati ni healthy kuabstain, lakini kuna haja tudanganyane ati unaweza abstain? Mi najua mahali nmefika siwezi. That reminds me, nishaikuchapia story ya how I lost my virginity? You sure sijawahi? Sawa, next time.
We all have that nigga in the squad mwenye ni sell-out, that fisi in the squad who’s got a wife. Time nyi mnakufa na kutu yeye analalisha shuma dani. Si umemcheki sasa? Sisemi ni vibaya, actually ni poa sana, coz if one of you ever needs to get laid kwa emergency ni easier kuconvince msee, mali ya ndugu ni ya ndugu, heard that saying once. Nakuaga mjinga saa zingine, think of it, nani anaezakuwahi bibi yake ati ni emergency?? Lakini tena, say it was like in that movie, The Crank, mbona akunyime ukikaribia kudedi? But I said it myself, MOVIE! None of that shit happens in real life, not in yours at least. I’ve done nasty things in mine, things I can only write about.
That nigga in my squad happens to be ile nugu tulijuana first year, day ya admission. Sa kidogo kidogo nikamfanyia intro kwa “new catch” wa hiyo time akageuza serikali. I didn’t mind it coz there were still hundreds of fish in the sea. Lakini secretly, hiyo nliapa kulipiza. I got my chance a few days ago. Unajua ile form hujileta tu kimchezo,
“Sasa Liz, niaje kunitupa hivo? Kwani Jemo alikufunga na nyororo kejani?” Very innocent text right?
“Haha, poa sana sweetie, mi niko tu, we ndo umepotea. Si ukam leo sapa… ”
“Wazi, leo nko huko mbaya sana, lakini Jemo ka atakuwa sikuji, hutaweza kupikia wanaume wawili na washibe, hehe” I was still joking about the whole supper thing.
“He ain’t around boo, it’s just you and I”
Hapo ndo alikosea sasa, juu mi nkiachwa solo na mare nakuaga tu na mioto. But hey, huyu ni kama siz, mali ya bro, sieziwahi. Ntaishia tu supper, then nirudishe mifupa Mankan nkalale. After all si ati anaezaniwahi hata nkidai.
Sijaifika La Duvet before, mi hupita tu hapo nkiendea kimoja huko down. Nikiingia sa si lazima nijichoche, siezisema mi ni mgeni. That shit I left for the younger ones, kuandika jina na ID number kwa kitabu na si ya agent wa M-PESA. Potelea mbali. I got in, and up the stairs I went, hadi room ya Liz wa Jemo. The beauty who turned a hyena soft. We all knew why tho, huyu ako na kila kitu we huona ukiimagine the perfect chic. 2 knocks later, akafungua mlango, as cute as ever. Ushaihug dem ukaskia tunips tukikudunga, weeeeeee, sijui mbona hakuwa na bra, but, MALI YA NDUGU. The aroma in that room could make an obese elephant run a marathon, ni vile hazikulagi cooked food.
We were done with supper now. Sa ni kale kachat ka afterwards, vile tumepoteana and all that. Then Liz decided she needed to shower, normally I’d offer to join in, but MALI YA NDUGU, nikajipa shugli kusaka kamovie pale. I landed on a folder with the name “PRIVATE PICS”, lie to me, tell me you wouldn’t get curious. Aaah, si ako bafu, haezijua. To cover up my mischief, nkaendeleza story irrelevant nkipitiaga hizo pics. I got to see all the things you could ever want to see that Liz has got. Nudes zote bratha Jemo ashaitumiwa, zote zenye ninja ya side ishaitumiwa, zenye sponsor ashaitumiwa, you name it. I wont lie, it made me wanna join her in the shower, mjeledi ulikuwa imara kama simba. Then the water stopped running, nkaclose kila kitu mbio nkaplay the first music video I got. I didn’t have time to cover my swelling ambassador to the United States of Vaginas (I already told you nakuaga mjinga saa zingine). As she walked out of the shower, towel barely covering her goodies, water dripping off her soft brown skin, mi nkaamua, ka mbaya mbaya, she kinda read it off me, coz her towel dropped….
Now, since my brother Jemo is probably reading this, I’ll skip the details. An hour or so later, we were in her bed, all sweaty and stuff, watching a comedy movie, I love those btw. I didn’t know we had keft the door unlocked but I realized it the moment Jemo walked in, saitan! The next minute was like a century,
“Aaaah, brathe, uko huku!” He went on hugging the wife and giving me a fist bump. I couldn’t tell whether he was just dumb ama hakunotice sina shati na bibi yake hana top, if only he knew about how we were under the sheets. I silently prayed he wouldn’t uncover us. We acted as natural as possible.
“Brooooo, nko huku msee, nmekam kutembelea bibi yako kidogo, sema kajoto kuzidi”
“Nakafeel man, naona hadi mkatoa nguo, haha. Lakini I hope hujajaribu kuonja asali yangu, unajua fisi ni fisi tu haha.” Had he smelt the aftermath of a vigorous action?
“Aaai, msee, mi si unajua siezivunja bro code…” I could spot a demon or two wakiningoja twende hell.
“Sasawa, kuna kastuff nmekamia hapa then nirudi hivo kejani.” He walked to her closet, akaanza kutafuta sijui nini. Hii time yote Liz amefreeze hapo ka katoto kanangoja picha, she’s speechless, anatetemeka hadi bed inavibrate.
Jemo found whatever he was looking for then nkasikia,
tebu kam hapa kiasi ucheki hii vida, uuuuuiiii, hahahahaha.”
The devil had finally caught up with me. Good bye world.
Mimi Wako Fisi.