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Luo may be a lifestyle but luhya is an experience I’m telling you. First, I’ve never met a short luhya. They are six feet, dark and handsome (depending on your definition of handsome). They have these lean athletic bodies and if you meet the ones that go to the gym, you will understand why the Greeks made sculptures of half naked men. Whoever invented the word, “thirsty” was looking at a shirtless luhya man.
They have jaws as sharp as Kibe’s whip, faces that can only be described as artsy and when a luhya man stares at you, you’ll understand why women used to stare at their feet when talking to women. They have appeal. Unapologetically audacious. Luhya men are more of who they believe they are than they actually are. From afar, they ain’t all that but up close, give him time and he will gaslight you so hard you’ll never think any man could be better.
They define fashion by wearing things so bizarre they have you questioning your style. Are they mad for reincarnating don’t touch my shoes in this era or are you boring in your khaki pants. You will walk into a room feeling trendy and dandy until in walks a luhya man adorned in a sack cloth and all of a sudden, you are questioning everything about yourself. It’s the audacity.
And these men are stingy! Si jokes! Even the women that marry or date luhya men can’t offer any concrete reason why they are with them. They are so psychologically confused they don’t know what is real or what isn’t. Luhya men are champions of psychological warfare.
One time, I walked up to one, fuming, ready to start a war on gender equality. I wanted to know why men cheat or why polygamy is a sin punishable by death. Mr man listened to me rant with a calm patience that made me doubt what I was saying. After I was done, he explained to me with the same calmness of a man that knew exactly what he was talking about, why polygamy was actually in favor of the woman and why men supporting women financially was bad for women. “Betty, when a man lets you pay your own bills, he is making you self sufficient.” I left him so confused I had to blink twice to get myself out of the trance I’d been put in.
One time, I went on a date with a son of the soil. Tell me why this man of Siaya asked me to give him a 360 spin then went ahead to say, “You are capable of giving me seven kids.” I was mortified! Mortified! I was there, trying to know his zodiac sign and he was scanning me to see if I had both the genes and strength to give birth to a whole village for him. I left that date traumatized.
I have never been able to argue with a luhya. A luo, yes. A kamba, absolutely. A maasai? Never been close enough to one to argue with. Any other tribe or race… Absolutely. But somehow, the minute a luhya starts talking, all I can do is chuckle and leave before I am recruited into a cult.