I’ve felt lonely in life, if I have never I wouldn’t be human. But there’s a day that stands out as the day I felt so lonely, that I felt I was the only living being on the entire universe. I was sitting next to someone I had dated for years, I felt ambivalent and unhappy but because mazoea Yana taabu and after doing everything to get him to leave me,the man wasn’t leaving, I was stuck in a relationship I was frankly tired of. He was talking but I couldn’t hear him. Suddenly my ears couldn’t hear anything but deafening silence. It was like I’d gone into a trance. Questions started to swirl in my head about what I was doing with this man and why he was next to me yet I was dying of loneliness.
Believe you me when I tell you, your brain and your body will conspire to drive you insane if that’s the only way they can protect you, when you refuse to protect yourself! In a few minutes that seemed like eternity I knew that , this had to end. I didn’t even say anything, I just disappeared.
The worst loneliness in the world is found in unfulfilling relationships. The person doesn’t wrong you but you’re just not getting what you need out of the experience. I’ve been alone on Christmas Day, when I am very ill and I didn’t even feel as alone as I did that one day. When you lose yourself in a relationship, that there is the absolute worst form of loneliness, it’s like being locked in a mortuary alone with nothing but corpses. The bodies are physically there but you are all alone with death. The death of the self that comes when you know that you shouldn’t be with someone anymore but you refuse to leave and try to force them to leave you by behaving badly.
It’s a woman thing, we don’t want to be the ones leaving because of all this bullshit brainwashing the patriarchy puts us through since we are children that we should be ‘nice’ even when it doesn’t serve us. Thankfully now after alot of deprogramming and therapy from feminists online I don’t struggle to leave. I don’t wake up every morning with a cloud of self abandonment hanging over my head like I used to when I was when I was in relationships that I knew I should leave but was trapped between being too ‘nice’ to cut someone off and passive aggressive so that the person would leave me alone! This applied to female friendships as well.
I can tell you this for a fact, every loneliness and sense of depression and anxiety you feel comes from the emotional and psychological damage you suffered in relationships, be it in childhood or ‘romantic’ relationships. I believe that this is the real reason kids from single mothers have behavioural problems, they internalised their mother’s suffering at the hands of their father, they may also have been directly mistreated and abandoned by the father or father figures . Let a child be born to a healed mother and have no man abusing his mother and the child turns out just fine inspite of not having a dad like other kids. The issue is the trauma of having bad experiences with a men/fathers/father figures in the formative years of their lives.
As women as soon as we come out of the psychological torture of being brainwashed into worshiping relationships and moreso men, we begin the long journey to healing. The loneliness we once felt dissipates like mist, we begin to feel whole again as we start to live for ourselves rather than for everyone else. You begin to wonder how you could feel lonely in relationships but now feel whole and at peace by yourself. It’s because the truth really does set you free and the fact that you have been in a labyrinth of lies and brainwashing all your life courtesy of the patriarchy. You have been gaslit to believing a lie. Your mind and body are telling you that you are being taken for a fool but the patriarchy is hard at work to invalidate the truth that you know in the deepest parts of your soul. This is not serving me, it’s killing me slowly, my peace and joy are gone. I’m being sacrificed at the altar of the patriarchy.
What the patriarchy has done to women from birth is no different from satanic ritual abuse of innocent defenceless children. It’s a miracle that women are still sane and still outlive men after all what we have been put through by this demonic system of oppression called the patriarchy. We thank God for Tiktok and social media, now the conspiracy of silence that has caged women is being broken. We are talking about everything we were told we should be ashamed of, periods - free bleeding anyone?
menopause, marital rape experienced, date rape experiences, narcissistic abuse even by parents, EVERYTHING - nothing is off the table, we are talking to each other about our womanhood experience with no shame and no fear. We are talking to each other across continents. We have groups for women who having every imaginable experience in the life of a woman and we are supporting eachother, fixing each others crowns , loving, supporting and healing each other. Women are owning everything they go through without shame and our eyes are getting open after centuries of oppression. It’s a new awakening. As Princilla the 
Queen maker says, men need women but women need each other.
We as women are doing what we do best, building community around our own authentic experience of femininity not what the patriarchy and it’s foot soldiers tell us should be our experience of femininity. Womanhood is defined and experienced by women not men, not the patriarchy and certainly not these misogynistic male supremacy cults like the manosphere. I’m feminine because I was born a woman not because men approve of me. A man can never tell me what I should be like as a woman because he is not a woman and will never have the privilege of being one. We are going back to each other as women and leaving men to continue killing each other which is what the patriarchy told them manhood is, violence and zero emotional intelligence.
Loneliness to a woman wears the face of a man. Once you as a woman detox those masculine brainwashing, slavery and self hate doctrines of patriarchy, you will find community first by being aligned within yourself coz you are no longer deceived and full of cognitive dissonance from patriarchal brainwashing then with other women worldwide who have embraced the authentic beauty,truth, strength and compassion of being a woman. Woman was God’s last creation and God’s best work. Why should you love a man who is nothing without women more than you love yourself. Your magical, ethereal, feminine self?