When both the Finance minister and head of the political opposition – a potential president – are both admitted into hospital in the same week with explosive diarrhoea you know things are, in the words of our ancestors, ‘elephant’.
Heavy. Grey. Bad.
Or in the words of Chinua Achebe, stolen in true Nigerian fashion from the English poet W. B Yeats, things are a fallin’ apart. The centre cannot hold.
Vitu viharanga.
I mean, what country is led by men who have to scramble to the toilet every other minute to unleash tsunamis of watery diarrhoea in between signing deals with the IMF and the World Bank, or holding political brainstorming meetings on how to cut the Gikuyu to size?
I for one would not want to be near any such stereotypical Third World leaders. They may contaminate me with Ebola, or the Marburg Fever. Or something so exotic it still doesn’t have a name. Like the disease the little ugly man Nicholas Biwott suffered from.
From what I have read in the papers, the leprechaun from Keiyo never took food served by a waiter, drove in the same car twice, or slept in the same house two days in a row. He was that paranoid, and more. Not even his kleptomaniac godfather, the insecure poorly educated herdsboy-dictator, Daniel arap Moi, knew where he lived.
Now, that’s a first – a dictator who doesn’t know where his murderous little dwarf lives. You have to wonder how they organised all the killings.
The mental condition Biwott suffered from? You go figure.
You’ll probably win a Nobel for it.
But it is a testament to the little man’s deep psychosis that a day after he died, the pictures of the family he killed to keep secret were splashed all over the papers. And they all seemed so happy, smiling and laughing. It was as if they were celebrating: “The little imp that was our horrible father is dead, the little imp is dead!”
Hail the grim reaper, the equalizer of men and beast.
Or maybe, just maybe, they were simply celebrating the fact that they were all now going to inherit the gazillions the dwarf from the north had stolen from the Kenyan people. It doesn’t matter really, as long as the little ugly man is gone from our lives forever.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Take that Biwott. You gone and we are still here. 45 million Robert Oukos.
Which brings us neatly back to the grave, if fluid, matters of diarrhoea.
To define, diarrhoea is the frequent emission of abnormally watery human waste – OK, shit, - from the anus. It occurs when one is suffering from a disease of the gastrointestinal tract. In the case of cholera, that disease is caused by an organism - a bacterium really - called Vibrio cholerae. Under the microscope it almost always looks like it has a tail.
Most Kenyans are actually like V. cholerae – they have tails. No, no, no, not THAT one. I mean a tail like a cow. Or more aptly, like a baboon. Or orangutan. Or any other sub-species of the ape. At the backside. Just above their fat buttocks.
What I am saying is that many – not all, mind you - Kenyans are poorly evolved human beings. They eat, they fuck, they sleep. Repeat. Everything animals like monkeys and other low-life apes do.
But they haven’t lost their tails yet. They can’t think.
Which is why one morning they wake up and attend a random political meeting and start yelling and jumping up and down like orangutans on heat, jeering and heckling. They make wild gestures, pump their chests, lie on the ground and do just about every weird thing you can imagine.
Then they start throwing stones and all manner of primitive missiles at those attending the political meeting.
Their glazed eyes, set in black, scarred faces - not unlike those of Rwanda’s Baboons in the Mist - reveal a primordial animal-like passion that is rare to find in fully evolved Homo sapien. It doesn’t help that some of them will be chewing green leaves – khat – like goats in the open savanna, or the Great Apes of the Ruwenzori.
Watching, its like the Stone-Age all over again. Maybe it is, the age of cholera and stones.
And so it goes in Kenya, the country of murderous dwarfs, leaders who diarrhoea and sub-humans who eat green leaves like Zijanthropus 60,000 years ago.
Truly, vitu viharanga!
vipi buda