So for me, what really bothers me in all this mess is the children. I don’t know if many of us remember what it was like to be a child, maybe your very married parents would have a tiff and in a heated moment they might have said, they’re fed up with the marriage. The kind of fear that comes from just hearing that is very painful. Children need a sense of security and safety. So when a husband and wife are not on good terms, the kids feel it because their future is uncertain, their feelings of security and safety are shaken. So I feel for the kids. I really do because I know what it’s like to think my parents are going to break up and then what will happen to my siblings and I? It’s very traumatizing because as a child you can’t really tell that they are just going through a rough patch, you take what is happening in the moment literally, that’s why I keep saying that you need to monitor what your kids watch because they take what they see literally and children internalize alot. They are like wet cement they’re impressionable. This is why some religions like Islam take kids to madrasa before the regular school because they understand the best time to set the foundation of a child’s life is when they are very small.
Now as women we have a huge responsibility, we pick the men who will be the father of our children and by that decision alone, we determine the future of the child. Financially, spiritually and of course how the child looks, DNA, hereditary diseases, epigenetics, generational blessings and curses like polygamy in the lineage. It’s a very daunting task to imagine that you are shaping all aspects of a human being by the choice you will make. Mate selection.
I think that as women because we grow up very sheltered, the gravity of this issue never dawns on most of us, so we are not intentional about it, things just happen to us and we get carried away and then reality of the magnitude of our choice and the effects it has on a child’s life dawns on us in hindsight.
Its a kind of baptism by fire. Alice in wonderland down the rabbit hole. It’s worse when you don’t have your dad in your life as a woman growing up. A dad has a place in the identity of a woman that nothing can replace. The way you get your name, your tribe and your lineage from your dad, is the way you get identity from your dad. I remember as a child, anytime I felt unsure or scared or having self doubt, I would go to my dad and tell him and he would look me straight in the eye and tell me very normally, I know you can do it and that’s all it took. I would gain confidence immediately like his words were some kind of elixir, like in cartoon alibaba and the forty thieves the words opened the door. The other thing that dad’s offer besides strong sense of self and confidence is structure, boundaries and discipline. My dad would not allow us out past a certain time and he lived by the same rules he made for us. He wasn’t living under different rules. So I believed that if he lived under the same rules, then that must be the best. I was always unhappy because my friends had parents who would let them go to holiday camps and we never went anywhere that you could sleep away from home. You could not even go to the shop unaccompanied. So it formed my character, upto now I am never comfortable anywhere except my house, if I go spend in a hotel, I can’t sleep well. Like it’s so foreign. I also don’t like to stay out late or be out at night because if the authority figure at my house wasn’t staying out late then that is to me what is right and normal. I remember the first time I knew there were people who are out all night and go home in the morning. I was picking someone at 6am. Her husband arrived and staggered into the house. AT SIX CLOCK IN THE MORNING. I was mortified. I was like this is a whole different world. It was like what the hell?
So my point with all these stories is that if you grow up with out your biological dad or an equivalent maybe a step dad who can give such things, or a really tough and strict mom who embodies the qualities of a father, my friend you are in deep shit and you are an accident waiting to happen.
Let’s take Tanasha Donna case, do you think if she grew up at my house, she’d have considered leaving the country to go on a wild goose chase in another country with a man who is serial dead beat? OK even if he wasn’t a dead beat, he was a born again Christian. It would not have happened even if the person was in Nairobi that I move from home and move into a man’s house bcz if I wasn’t allowed to even sleep over at my cousins house, how do I move in with someone I don’t know from a can of paint. Let me not even go into the Christian indoctrination I went through. I went to Christian schools. Daily chapel. Baptism classes, name it. Sasa wewe as a baby daddy, baby mama, what example are you setting and what kind of indoctrination are you in graining with the kinds of lifestyle this people live. You know, it’s a very picture to a child to see other kids with a committed dad and mom team while they have some arrangement that has several baby mommas, different baby daddies, mtoto anakua confused. It’s very unfair to your child. Very.
So unpacking this is lengthy but my point is that being a woman is not a joke. There’s alot of responsibility on your shoulders to make the right decisions with far reaching implications. ALOT. ALOT. ALOT.
Surely kids, your kids, my kids anybodys kids don’t deserve this. To grow up with out one parent or to see one parent once a week or on Skype. You yourself grew up with both of your parents every day but now you think that you are too modern, co parenting will do. And a huge number of so called Copa renting is between people who got kids before marriage.
So you see the old fashioned way of not having sex with a man who you are not officially married to was actually a very good system. It worked for you. So why subject your children to a lower standard than what you had?
Lemme wind it down bcz Im so passionate about this topic I can write a book. Thing is that men are goal oriented and men are also committed to what they have invested in and that was the logic behind not having the sex and the resulting children before marriage. The man wants you and the children as the goal let him make the investment, go through dowry negotiations, pay dowry, plan and pay for the wedding, so that the day he will want to give up, he will remember the work, the effort he made to attain that goal of having you as his wife and the mother of his children. Women are driven by obligations, men are driven by putting their best efforts to achieving a goal. So if you already give him the sex, the children, some even take loans, move him into your house. What will motivate him to do anything at all?
I’m just asking, if the job where you work could be giving you the money without you putting the effort of actually working, would you bother to get up in the morning, come rain or shine to go to that job? Of course NOT because where is the motivation. I can get everything with out lifting a finger. On a silver platter.
Anyway, wacha niwachie hapo. Those of you planning to join team baby daddies and mommies kindly reconsider. Those who have an ear, let them hear what the Spirit is saying.
By the way this week I have been watching alot of stuff on a serial killer called Son of Sam. This guy was born out of an affair between a married man and a divorced woman. He was then adopted. You know alot of these things look very normal when you are doing them but it’s after ugly repercussions is when it dawns that those many rules in the Bible which we think we are too modern to follow, are actually very wise, there for our own good and protection. The guy’s name was David Barkowitz look him up, listen to most all serial killers and so many people who are jail or cautionary tales. It all starts from a broken family or a non existent one, you are single and lonely so you decide to comfort yourself with somebody’s husband after all yours was also snatched by another woman and then you conceive a serial killer. Once Satan has a legal ground in your life, there’s no telling how far he’s going to take it. I will do a piece on family background of the most prolific serial killers. You will see a clear pattern. Ni hayo tuu watazamaji. We are closing the station VOK style.
