Ladies come here we learn something

So for me, what really bothers me in all this mess is the children. I don’t know if many of us remember what it was like to be a child, maybe your very married parents would have a tiff and in a heated moment they might have said, they’re fed up with the marriage. The kind of fear that comes from just hearing that is very painful. Children need a sense of security and safety. So when a husband and wife are not on good terms, the kids feel it because their future is uncertain, their feelings of security and safety are shaken. So I feel for the kids. I really do because I know what it’s like to think my parents are going to break up and then what will happen to my siblings and I? It’s very traumatizing because as a child you can’t really tell that they are just going through a rough patch, you take what is happening in the moment literally, that’s why I keep saying that you need to monitor what your kids watch because they take what they see literally and children internalize alot. They are like wet cement they’re impressionable. This is why some religions like Islam take kids to madrasa before the regular school because they understand the best time to set the foundation of a child’s life is when they are very small.

Now as women we have a huge responsibility, we pick the men who will be the father of our children and by that decision alone, we determine the future of the child. Financially, spiritually and of course how the child looks, DNA, hereditary diseases, epigenetics, generational blessings and curses like polygamy in the lineage. It’s a very daunting task to imagine that you are shaping all aspects of a human being by the choice you will make. Mate selection.

I think that as women because we grow up very sheltered, the gravity of this issue never dawns on most of us, so we are not intentional about it, things just happen to us and we get carried away and then reality of the magnitude of our choice and the effects it has on a child’s life dawns on us in hindsight.

Its a kind of baptism by fire. Alice in wonderland down the rabbit hole. It’s worse when you don’t have your dad in your life as a woman growing up. A dad has a place in the identity of a woman that nothing can replace. The way you get your name, your tribe and your lineage from your dad, is the way you get identity from your dad. I remember as a child, anytime I felt unsure or scared or having self doubt, I would go to my dad and tell him and he would look me straight in the eye and tell me very normally, I know you can do it and that’s all it took. I would gain confidence immediately like his words were some kind of elixir, like in cartoon alibaba and the forty thieves the words opened the door. The other thing that dad’s offer besides strong sense of self and confidence is structure, boundaries and discipline. My dad would not allow us out past a certain time and he lived by the same rules he made for us. He wasn’t living under different rules. So I believed that if he lived under the same rules, then that must be the best. I was always unhappy because my friends had parents who would let them go to holiday camps and we never went anywhere that you could sleep away from home. You could not even go to the shop unaccompanied. So it formed my character, upto now I am never comfortable anywhere except my house, if I go spend in a hotel, I can’t sleep well. Like it’s so foreign. I also don’t like to stay out late or be out at night because if the authority figure at my house wasn’t staying out late then that is to me what is right and normal. I remember the first time I knew there were people who are out all night and go home in the morning. I was picking someone at 6am. Her husband arrived and staggered into the house. AT SIX CLOCK IN THE MORNING. I was mortified. I was like this is a whole different world. It was like what the hell?

So my point with all these stories is that if you grow up with out your biological dad or an equivalent maybe a step dad who can give such things, or a really tough and strict mom who embodies the qualities of a father, my friend you are in deep shit and you are an accident waiting to happen.

Let’s take Tanasha Donna case, do you think if she grew up at my house, she’d have considered leaving the country to go on a wild goose chase in another country with a man who is serial dead beat? OK even if he wasn’t a dead beat, he was a born again Christian. It would not have happened even if the person was in Nairobi that I move from home and move into a man’s house bcz if I wasn’t allowed to even sleep over at my cousins house, how do I move in with someone I don’t know from a can of paint. Let me not even go into the Christian indoctrination I went through. I went to Christian schools. Daily chapel. Baptism classes, name it. Sasa wewe as a baby daddy, baby mama, what example are you setting and what kind of indoctrination are you in graining with the kinds of lifestyle this people live. You know, it’s a very picture to a child to see other kids with a committed dad and mom team while they have some arrangement that has several baby mommas, different baby daddies, mtoto anakua confused. It’s very unfair to your child. Very.

So unpacking this is lengthy but my point is that being a woman is not a joke. There’s alot of responsibility on your shoulders to make the right decisions with far reaching implications. ALOT. ALOT. ALOT.

Surely kids, your kids, my kids anybodys kids don’t deserve this. To grow up with out one parent or to see one parent once a week or on Skype. You yourself grew up with both of your parents every day but now you think that you are too modern, co parenting will do. And a huge number of so called Copa renting is between people who got kids before marriage.

So you see the old fashioned way of not having sex with a man who you are not officially married to was actually a very good system. It worked for you. So why subject your children to a lower standard than what you had?

Lemme wind it down bcz Im so passionate about this topic I can write a book. Thing is that men are goal oriented and men are also committed to what they have invested in and that was the logic behind not having the sex and the resulting children before marriage. The man wants you and the children as the goal let him make the investment, go through dowry negotiations, pay dowry, plan and pay for the wedding, so that the day he will want to give up, he will remember the work, the effort he made to attain that goal of having you as his wife and the mother of his children. Women are driven by obligations, men are driven by putting their best efforts to achieving a goal. So if you already give him the sex, the children, some even take loans, move him into your house. What will motivate him to do anything at all?

I’m just asking, if the job where you work could be giving you the money without you putting the effort of actually working, would you bother to get up in the morning, come rain or shine to go to that job? Of course NOT because where is the motivation. I can get everything with out lifting a finger. On a silver platter.

Anyway, wacha niwachie hapo. Those of you planning to join team baby daddies and mommies kindly reconsider. Those who have an ear, let them hear what the Spirit is saying.

By the way this week I have been watching alot of stuff on a serial killer called Son of Sam. This guy was born out of an affair between a married man and a divorced woman. He was then adopted. You know alot of these things look very normal when you are doing them but it’s after ugly repercussions is when it dawns that those many rules in the Bible which we think we are too modern to follow, are actually very wise, there for our own good and protection. The guy’s name was David Barkowitz look him up, listen to most all serial killers and so many people who are jail or cautionary tales. It all starts from a broken family or a non existent one, you are single and lonely so you decide to comfort yourself with somebody’s husband after all yours was also snatched by another woman and then you conceive a serial killer. Once Satan has a legal ground in your life, there’s no telling how far he’s going to take it. I will do a piece on family background of the most prolific serial killers. You will see a clear pattern. Ni hayo tuu watazamaji. We are closing the station VOK style.

When you’re not being mean about men you make some extremely insightful and wise posts!
I’m always heartbroken when my baby doesn’t understand why I’m no longer with his mom. In his mind we’ll one day go back to Nyeri and be a family once again. It breaks my heart so badly. That was the last place he felt like home and no matter where we go he always asks. When are we going back?
I felt every word you wrote. Each and every one of them. I know that feeling when parents are fighting. I always feel like walking out and running away from home. The shouting matches. Of course my parents are old school they’ll do it in secret but we can still hear and tell.
Worst feeling ever. I hated when my dad came home because of it. Particularly drunk. Hated it. I don’t drink outside my home. I hate the idea of coming home drunk. Then getting into an argument.
We need to do better by our kids. We really do.
Good post.

The fact that you cognizant of it while millions others are ignorant sets you apart. I have this fear that my kids would go through what I went through. It made me very cautious because I can’t imagine reliving it, not as the child but as the mother. The powerlessness of childhood becoming the powerlessness of motherhood or fatherhood is my worst nightmare. Coming full circle. I don’t think I could live through it.

The thing is that even after you grow up and gain perspective, it’s like the feeling you had don’t or can’t change. You can’t rationalise the feelings away, it’s like theyre frozen in time. No matter how illogical they’re real and they are imprinted, seeing your kid go through it is unbearable. You couldn’t rescue them. Same way you had to rescue you. Worst dejavu ever.

Anyway, such is life. It’s no walk in the park. Some things really are beyond your control. What can you do? You can’t turn back time to get it right, so you have to make the best of what you have and Pray. Ask God for help. Things will get better. Do your best where you are. Regret and guilt are useless emotions unless they give you the impetus to be better going forward. The past is a bucket of ashes. Don’t live in it. Rest from your past. It’s gone. Today is the day to create a better past for your future. Ask God for healing for you, for your son. God is a mender of broken hearts. The best gift you can give your son, is forgiving yourself and letting go of the past. The parts of his wounded spirit that you can’t mend, God will mend. Just ask Him to heal. He’s pretty good at it. Take heart. Earth has no sorrow that heaven can’t heal. You are blessed and your son is blessed to have you as his father. Don’t let anything stop you from being an amazing dad.

Embroiling yourself in akata dramas will make you stoop to their level

I like this article. It’s really touched my heart. It’s really painful to the helpless and innocent kids when things spin out of control. I have seen men cry because of the love they have for their children. When the kids they so much love are separated from him and he’s no access to them but he’s being harrased left right and center to pay for the upkeep of the lady when he walks out of the toxic relationship and the world outside regard him as dead beat husband. This thing is BIG…

Wrong forum!

And let me be crystal clear, as femanazi as I am, I don’t endorse an innocent child being used as a pawn by the mother or the father because let’s be frank men use children as leverage too. Look at Diamond. He uses his kids to control his exes. Look at how he has Zara eating out of his palm bcz he’s giving his kids a little attention on Skype. He has not been to see his kids physically in like forever. Btw all his kids. So my point in all this is please, please, please let’s think of the welfare of this innocent child caught in the middle of the power struggle between you and your baby mama. For crying out loud, the child didn’t send an application to be born into this mess. So if you are a man being denied acess to your kids. Visit children’s court and legally get visitation rights. Do not just abandon your child bcz your baby momma isn’t cooperating. You don’t need her cooperation, the law gives you rights as a father to see your children. So let’s not make excuses like there are no options, and just cope out of fathering our children bcz a dad makes a huge difference in a child’s life especially in the formative years.

Lerionka are both of you always polite and civil around him when you are together? that is v important.

Without God maze this war would have been lost long ago. I’m supposed to be dead. I wanted to die. Hell I was one foot out already . I was just about to jump from that stool and dad just pulled up. I didn’t want him to find me thrushing on a noose, so I decided lemme wait him out. I’ll go later. One day I’ll give my testimony because the’re things that are still happening which I am still coming to realize. Divine provision. Life is not perfect but with Christ there is this supernatural presence or power.
There is something very beautiful about God when you learn to trust Him.

We keep it civil, dare I say abit friendly. She’s remarried now.
But once in a while shit can get ugly between us. I always try to minimise him seeing that. I won’t say she’s unreasonable because I’m very stubborn too. But my first instinct is to protect him and keep him safe.

Woow this can be tough but you seem to be handling it well. So the new man allows her to let you see the kid? coz some don’t. Good progress. Kids here in the west have learnt to live in such environments and it works well. Even the schools and Drs know.
Ebu dig D…Mungai’s stories huko kwa archives. Now he is living the life and so is his little boy.

The kid stays with me. She isn’t a stable person sijui kama naweza kubali akae na yeye. She’s a product of a broken violent home na kuna venye I ignored them red flags.
Woi. Premium disaster.
She can access the kid anytime. She’s picking him next week for a week. I am just scared she might not return him. Unaweza shtukia sijui amepelekwa wapi. But anyway place nimefika labda niwekwe jela ama six feet under to keep me away from this boy.
It’s tough co-parenting. Very tough. But inabidi. Its better than a toxic marriage for the sake of the kid.

Don’t know what to say. I hope she brings the boy back. Else you may need to have a legal written agreement that if she picks him at point A at this time…she needs to bring him back at this time.
I still applaud your effort big time.

Good idea btw. I’ll look into that.
Thank you :cool:

The older I get the more I understand that God can really sort out things in mysterious ways. Growing up I had a difficult relationship with my mom, I prayed for many years that God would turn things around and for sure things just changed miraculously. We became bffs, we do road trips together, she calls me every day. I remember one time when I went to a prayer center for a week and she didn’t call me, I was wondering why but I guess she didn’t want to disturb me. That’s how much I am used to talking to her.

Sometimes the devil just plants seeds of discord among people. The target is your boy to be affected psychologically by all the drama. Prayer is very powerful. I once worked with an alcoholic guy who was ever in bad moods bcz of hangovers. I started to pray every day about him when I would attend morning glory, b4 going to work. One time I asked my prayer partner to come we pray together after work and we even annoited the office. He stopped drinking completely.

So as a man you have spiritual authority. Remember how Isaac prayed over Rebecca when she was barren and she got twins. My big bro prayed for his wife and they got twins. Start praying for her. She is under the dominion of darkness. Instead of quarreling try prayer. I assure you that you will see wonders and a huge change in her.

I’m giving you my secret weapon. God changes people. Instead of confrontation take your frustration to the Lord in prayer. The way that person will change will shock you. It’s the same way people use powers of darkness to control their spouses, kamute, God is all powerful and He changes people. Go to God in prayer and ask Him to change your baby momma and make her cooperate. You will see her change mpaka you will be shocked. Conflict is from the devil. Instead of getting into arguments, go in your prayer closet and pray. Do not say a word to her since she can’t argue with herself if you don’t participate. Just pray. Please try it. You will know how powerful God really is to change people. She will become too corporative hadi utashangaa. I always see how worldly people believe in juju. They take it to their businesses. Their marriages. Name it. It’s only Christians who never use the greatest power on earth. The power of pray, to make things work out in various areas of their lives. Once you have a child with a woman, you had married her, spiritually as her first husband, you have spiritual authority over her. Your prayers can change her bcz in the spirit realm you have authority to speak over your wife and children. B4 God she’s still your wife bcz you are the first husband. So instead of engaging in the physical realm, engage her in the spirit realm. I’m telling you from personal experience. Prayer works wonders. Try it.

Very true. The law is there to protect your visitation rights as a dad and if she misbehaving let her know that if she violates the terms of the legal agreement you can file for sole custody. It’s provided for by the law. Do not entertain nonsense. The law is there to protect, you have as much right as her as a parent.