Kenyanlist memoirs

Five instances of stinging Kenyan sarcasm, four of them X-rated, a year 2008 posting by “Fundi” at www.kenyanlist.com

No. 1: There was this guy in school whose nickname was “Omondi_python”, a pleasant and well-built Jatha. Actually python rarely lost his temper or raised his voice. Then there was this one guy who insisted on calling him “Omondi_cobra” instead of Omondi_python”, and he didn’t like it. Python told him off several times, but the guy didn’t listen. One time we were just cooling in the dormitory after Saturday morning inspection, when this guy walked in from another dormitory and loudly greeted python; “Ahhh vipi Omondi_cobra"…! Python just gave him a hard blank stare. Halafu jamaa aka uliza python ati “Nini mbaya, cobra"? In very uncharacteristic fashion & quite unlike python, he answered, “Mama yako ndio mbaya. Nili muomba jana na aka ni nyima". Haki tuli shtuka! After this, python just walked out of the dormitory mumbling to himself in ki-Jaluo. Tuli cheka noma. That guy never called python cobra again!

No. 2: A former female workmate of mine (an elderly one at that), was once very pissed-off by a male colleague of ours in the office. I remember her giving me her misgivings with the guy during a certain 4 o’clock tea break in office. Ati “Huyo jamaa ni ng’ombe ya ajabu; yeye hutumiwa vibaya na watu. Yeye hutumiwa vibaya kama panty ya mwanamuke"! Whatever that means! Nili nyamaza tu niki endelea ku sikiza story!

No. 3: During pre-University NYS training in Gilgil in the ‘80s, our barrack was under an elderly female sergeant. That woman had a foul mouth, bwana. During early morning inspection one time, she told off this shy humble guy from the Coast (a Digo), for not polishing his shoes properly. U had to answer these guys pronto, and at the top of your voice. It must have been real torture for the guy because he rarely spoke, let alone at the top of his voice!

Ati “ Kurutu, hi kiatu yako ina fanana na kuma mzee”

Halafu she asked him “Ati kiatu yako ina fanana na nini, Kurutu?!”

Jamaa aka jibu haraka at the top of his voice, “Kiatu yangu ina fanana na kuma mzee, Afande"!!

Afande aka endelea, “Kesho nataka kuona kiatu yako iki fanana na kuma mbichi”

“Ati nataka nini kesho, Kurutu"?!

Jamaa aka jibu speedy at the top of his voice, “Afande, kesho unataka kuona kiatu yangu iki fanana na kuma mbichi"!!

Afande aka enda zake. Haki tulicheka deadly sisi wote, including the humble Digo jamaa!

No. 4: The run-up to the multi-party elections of 1992 was dramatic & filled with thrills, as many will remember. This was after the equally dramatic repeal of Section 2A of the constitution in 1991, and the return to multi-party politics. Before the Forum for the Restoration of Democracy (FORD), split into FORD-Agip (FORD-Kenya), and FORD-Muthithi (FORD-Asili), it held a mammoth rally at Nairobi’s Kamukunji grounds in January of 1992. About a month later, FORD held another equally massive rally at Mombasa’s Mvita Grounds. The mood back then was very buoyant & optimistic.

After FORD’s famous 1992 Mombasa rally, then Mombasa KANU supremo, the late Shariff Nassir, declared that he had passed the Mvita Grounds during the rally, and in his own personal assessment, noted that not more than 500 people had attended the rally. Ahmed Bamarhiz, who I think was the then FORD Assistant Treasurer, responded by saying that Nassir only saw 500 people because he could only count to 500! Bamarhriz has always had some sharp hot ones, yenyewe. Nassir ali nyamaza tu, haku ongea after this. I’m sure hata Nassir mwenyewe ali cheka.

No. 5: There was this time in campus when our semester results were posted on the main notice board at the administration block. The Vice-Chancellor decided that this was a way to encourage us take our studies seriously i.e. academic excellence. It was short-lived lakini. There was this guy who was one year behind us called “X”. He was a crazy guy, a rebel who spent most of his time politicking and calling for a revolution in this country. He even had dread-locks, which was rare in those days. As a matter of fact he was occasionally trailed by plainclothes officers from the then Directorate of Security Intelligence i.e. “Special Branch”, but he was never arrested. He had gotten “Ds” (one stage above an “F”), in karibu all his units.

Many of us were crowded at the notice board checking out our results including “X”. “X”, myself and a couple of other guys & babes were at the back. Sasa a group of chics in “X’s” class were at the front, trumpeting how “X” had gotten “Ds” in karibu all his units, as they giggled just as loudly. “X” didn’t react, but as it went on he got irritated. Out of nowhere at some point, and in his deep baritone voice, he suddenly declared, “Ndio, nendeni mhesabu ma-kuma zenu vile mko, ndiyo mjue nili pata ma “D” ngapi”. Haki tuli pasua deadly! Ma shaba waka take cover mara moja kama John McCain after defeat by Obama!

Source: A posting made by “Fundi” at www.kenyanlist.com in late 2008 via MMK in MKZ

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Wueh! that’s withering!

He he…umenipeleka mbali bwana…
Bamhariz used to say that KANU ina wasiwasi kama nywele…“ati ina wasiwasi kama nini?” “Nywele” a puzzled crowd would answer…
Then he would go on…
Nywele ikiwa kwa kichwa yajiita nini?..Nywele…
Ikiteremka hapa juu ya macho yabadilisha jina yajiita nini?..kope
Ikiteremka kwa macho yajiita nini?..nyusi…
Kidogo ikifika kwa mapua yajiita nini?..masharubu…
Kwa kindevu…ndevu…
Ikija kwa kifua…malaika…
Na hapo chini jee?..hehe…the crowd would roar into laughter…

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I knew maneno ya 92 ikitajwa hutakuwa mbali

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Welcome back Mr Serengeti/ Amboseli we missed your posts Mkubwa.

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i was in the prime of my youth and very idealistic. the young turks were our heroes until we grew up a bit and started understanding the nature os people…

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:D:D:D:D:D if its you sereNGETI. Fcukyah welcome back

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Naona mtu mtu alipita na hiyo domain pale bigdaddy.

It’s godaddy and it’s has not been sold yet.

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Yaah its godaddy.

Hiyo ya NYS ni funny sana :D:D:D

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
mboss umeamua kumalisa gashui

Cops and other disciplined officers have a sailor’s mouth. :D:D:D:D

kiaje sasa? si mind na nimeweka umri wangu wazi juu sina kitu cha kuficha:)

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