Improve your life expectancy

Captain284 · February 2, 2018, 11:45am

Fixed.

No hard feelings please

Okwonkwo · February 2, 2018, 4:01pm

Captain284:

Life expectancy in Kenya is equated to something close to sixty for tree holders and sixty five or something like that for persons of out according to WHO’s 2015 research. But the rate at which people are being sent back to their maker is a bit worrying. You see the crop of duthi guys like @introvert are being run day in day out by vehicles before they reach that expectancy mark. You saw like that guy who was run over buy modern coast bus.

Others like @Okwonkwo and @Kasighau are ramming onto road barriers trying to kanyaga their proboxes ifike 180km/hr. Some of us I don’t see getting close to that age of guuka @FieldMarshal CouchP. He’s almost/past the Mark. Long live guuka.

I have now seen it important to come up with various ways of atleast improving our life expectancy by our own means. Four major tips that are really working. China has tried and have a record at the Guinness book of records with the most old persons including that Mzee who is 140 years old still breathing and with all five senses working apart from the common sense one.
Tip number;

1. Never sleep facing upwards.
You see guys, the malaika of death may be on patrol at night and see you facing him and look as if you are seeing each other. He may decide to call you before the exact time of Your expectancy. Don’t sleep at all facing upwards.

2. Don’t sleep facing downwards.
Reason because of the opposite of number (1) above. The angel of darkness working for Lucifer may be looking for some culprits and find you looking at him. He may kureferera(try to reach you) with the mbogoro(I don’t know what it is in English) but it is that thing with a hook at the tip like the one used to harvest makorofea. Lucifer may pull you and you will end up burning severely having not enjoyed your time till expectancy. NB; Only people of Nyeri like @gashwin can sleep this way to avoid their women chopping of the transformers.

3. People of turedio especially
Those who hail from Western. Kina @Mundu Mulosi and @Electronics4u, If you happen to hear the presenter say, most probably after playing that mourning sigtune, “karibu katika matangazo ya vifo bra bra bra.” Tafasari Zima hiyo radio mbio ukojoe na ulale. Presenter anaweza kosea asome jina lako ushtuke kisha ujipate ukisalimia Nuhu, Jonah, Moredekai na Yule jamaa alikuwa anaapishwa. Yeshua.

4. Wale watu wa gazeti.
If you mistakenly or voluntarily happen to open the obituary pages. Close that mataphaking news paper hata kama ni ya kufunga nyama kwa busheri ya @Wakanyama, ama ile @culture, @Tommy Lee Sparta na @wildfrank hutumia kusokota phangi, throw it away immediately. You never know your ex ama your wife ama family members wanaweza kuwa wamekuweka huko waseme ulikufa wabaki Kula Mali yako. Or else someone may mistakenly have sent the wrong picture of the deceased akapeana yako. You can get shocked tukupate mortuary.
Sande sana.

Hii ni phombe ya jana inaongea. Tupatane 2nd February 2118.
Otherwise wacha nifanye kazi. Leo weekend inaanza mapema.

Yours truly,
D.D.R.O (Daily Drinking Retuning Officer)
001 Branch.
@Captain284.

To live long. Just mind your fucking business.

Okwonkwo · February 2, 2018, 4:03pm

Niaje Engineer Kipara

system · February 2, 2018, 4:08pm

Niaje mzito.
Ulienda wapi ng’ombe hii?

Okwonkwo · February 2, 2018, 4:11pm

Nilikuwa Brussels na hakukuwa na internet. Sai niko Copenhagen.

system · February 2, 2018, 4:20pm

:D:D
Shait. Nilikuwa huko pia.
A pretty bird told me you asked about me.

Okwonkwo · February 2, 2018, 4:24pm

Hehehe. Jina yake inaanza na?

system · February 2, 2018, 6:29pm

Shida ni you always spell it with an ‘E’ at the end.

Okwonkwo · February 2, 2018, 6:35pm

That’s hard to guess. Is it @Phylgee

system · February 2, 2018, 7:06pm

[ATTACH=full]154423[/ATTACH]

Okwonkwo · February 2, 2018, 7:16pm

http://replygif.net/i/1380.gif