Mworia Wameru
[B][I]P. O. Box 69
F U Street
The Manager
Food Hotel Ltd
P. O. Box 666
Shag Road
Dear Madam,
RE: APPLICATION
It is with profound melancholy that I received news about the demise of my good brother Kariuki who served as your ugaliman until his death. Even as I mourn his passing I want to note that a vacancy has been created in your business that needs to be filled with a ready made, probably better replacement for Kariuki.
I am a Kenyan citizen, 35 years young and I believe I have the right skills and qualifications coupled with relevant experience that you require. I love food. Just the other day I ate a kilo of ‘tumbukiza mbuzi with spinach and potatoes na pilipili Kali with ugali and soup’ in one sitting near Kamakis. I’m sure this love for food will be of help somehow.
I have impeccable knowledge of two computer packages - MS Word and MS PowerPoint. I’m not sure how that will help me prepare food but I just needed to brag about my computer literacy.
Between 2004-2007 I worked as an ugaliman with Wafula at Khwisero School. This is important to mention because as the name suggests I learned from the best. Wafula would prepare ugali for the 500 students in one sufuria. He was that good. I was his assistant adding firewood and uncalled as requested.
All the foregoing are contained in the CV I’ve enclosed herein but for some reason I found myself repeating the shit. Kindly note that the attached 10 page CV is the shorter version. You can find the long version on my drive on Google. I couldn’t print the long version because as you can discern from my application I’m in between jobs and needed to save the money that could have been spent printing the extra 57 pages (57*10=570). You’ll be glad to note that I used the savings to buy a big mwiko so you don’t have to provide me with one.
Finally madam let me make one thing clear, brah brah brah I don’t want to hear. They grow horns add them tail. I have a tail. My skills are not kitchen-specific. I happen to have other skills that are very useful in other rooms as well. If ever you require additional services I’m well tailed and ready to oblige.
Currently I’m stuck in Khwisero where I had paid a courtesy call on Mwitsotsi and I ask that you send me Ksh.1,500 to come work for you and with you.
Thank you for believing in me.
Yours faithfully, [/I][/B]
Mworia Wameru.
Meanwhile let’s keep the dicks and the pussies busy. That does not require any applications or qualifications. It’s a fucking Sunday and we must celebrate the rising of JC on this important day in the Christian calendar. Fuck fuck fuck and when you are done, fuck again. Asandeni sana