How to get out of trouble because you didn't go home last night

The following could be treated as the work of an alcohol induced mind, bored holiday manenos or the actual truth. Read, laugh and Enjoy. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year 2017. This is an original spear hekaya.

In our very addictive homely local we have personalities and company that have always been creative in how to help a brother out of a jam. After all we have known each other for decades, drunk a fortune within that time, partake in endless mbuzi and shared alot of great memories. Basically everyone at the local is a friend and family. Within that time our collective clever minds have come up with ways around some embarrassing moments in our lives that may be a hindrance to our fun and happiness. Case of point within our midst are active members of what is now called team mafisi whom active lifestyle can lead to one of those sticky moments. One day after taking out the family, sorting out their needs, giving them the family time that is needed/appreciated and dropping them home at around 6pm. Since its a Saturday i decide to visit the local to make merry with the guys/wazee/elders. As i stop at the junction before joining the main road, i see that beautiful slice i have been making small talk with her of late. I ask her to enter so that i can drop her at the shopping center which will be easier for her to get a matatu. The usual small talk in the car and within minutes we are there. As i stop the car at the side of the road she asks what plans i have and i tell her actually i’ll just looking for parking somewhere here and go to the local “insert name”. We say goodbye and she is off. I join my crew and within hours the place is cracking, jokes flying all over and the only thing being ignored is the flat screen above showing some small team disappointing their fans as usual.

At around 9pm as i go out to make a call i meet the slice sitting at the tables outside with her friend. I wave ask i make my call. As i came back in she calls me over and i join them. What was to be a few pleasantries before i rejoin the fun politics inside turns out to be 30 minutes and happily i’m enjoying it. I ask my drinks inside to be brought out and a round for the slices. Fast forward a few hours we are having a great time, laughing and buying each other drinks. Soon even the food comes and we carry on. At midnight her friend excuses herself since she has to go somewhere to meet someone who has been calling non-stop. She asks me if i can call over a trusted cab or she uses uber. That’s easily sorted as almost all the cars parked upfront are cabs and that is why getting parking there is hard. I call my guy and she is sorted. Now the uneasy part starts because its just the two of us and i just go with the flow knowing the crew inside is wondering about me and here i don’t know how its going. Soon enough that moment arrives where local now feels out of place, i’m tipsy and become an unstoppable motion. She says she is okay with my plan we shift venues but she wouldn’t stay for long maybe an hour at most before going home. We ditch local for a club not far. Their the music, drinks and energy just takes over us. 2 hours later she says she can’t drink anymore and starts taking bites and water. Cleaver lady, now is when i decide to make my move since all the uninhabited things we have been doing to each other at the club was way over the grey areas of whats right or not. I reach out, she pushes back, we laugh abit, i try again, she pushes back again. I will omit “the soft pleading for the sake of my ego” As i give up, she reaches out and damn we kiss passionately. Did i forget to mention she is curvy, beautiful and damn she can kiss. At this point the brain becomes obsolete and the every action henceforth is driven by the big man between the legs. We reach that mid-tier hotel perfectly placed between home and local and pray its not full. Its almost full but luckily a few rooms remain 1st floor where nobody likes as its a bit noisy compared to the top floors. Who care anyway right now, nothing is more addictive than new pussy and the lust of hitting it the first time. (damn i said that loud). The beauty about everything now is that there is no pretends anymore or changing of minds, we know whats going to happen. Lets just say that light tremor felt within the confines of a certain shopping center that alfajiri morning was purely my doing and i apologize.

As i was sleeping very happy having achieved my lust quota i suddenly realize its morning and the sun is up. Damn. How many times will i explain this. My thoughts are not the beautiful nude woman asleep half covered on the bed but how to spin this back home. I check the time and obey rule number one. Don’t switch on your phone. Rule number two, get moving and say bye to the lady. So i wake her up, no quickies, no shower together and just share numbers/kiss/appreciate/say goodbye. On your way out you pray that the car isn’t parked out infront but at the back. luckily that’s covered. Rule number 3, get the plan and starting working on it. Tip the guard again only this time you need his phone. I call my friend/elder/local owner whom we happily call Chairman. He laughs at first then calmly asks where i am and the car. He asks i quickly walk over to local as he sets things in motion. A few minutes i find him there since he never left slast night. He asks for 1,000 and the car keys no questions asked. He asks for a bottle of water for me and we leave. My car keys are given to the guard to take it to the police station. I trust him completely so i don’t worry and he explains that we will discuss it in his car. We get in and drive away, he tells me this is simple and he has done it so much that he fears it will be known soon. We drive to an apartment, he makes a call and i’m calm since he has explained the plan. A man too familiar to me shows up looking tired. The OCS, he greets us and asks wapi mabusu wa leo, he laughs to see its me. Ata wewe umeanza hii tabia? He gives us the okay and we leave for the station. We get there and i can see my car parked. We get in and the cop smiles at Chairman. Ndio huyu mteja? The usual routine of OB and i’m listed as drunk and disorderly. A cop is called and told mimi ni mgeni wa leo VIP. The 1000 goes to them and i’m told to relax at the bench on the corridor not the cell. Chairman and the guard leave. Rule no. 4, now switch on the phone and call home. Apart from the many texts ranging from kind inquiries, harsh texts to alarming texts. I call and say i’m in and i’m organizing to be released on cash bail having spent the night at the cell. Before i finish i give the cop my phone to affirm the same. After so many calls later she decides to show up herself, at that moment the inquiry is made at the desk for me, the cops comes to open the cell, pretends to get me out and asks me to follow him. Hapo ndio unapata first lady face looking all mad. The cop reads out the OB book charge and crucially the time of booking at midnight. She is asked to wait outside as the only thing they can do at the desk is to confirm i’m ok and we should await the OCS to come handle the cases in 30 minutes. An hour later we are called out all of us to the front desk including everyone at the cell. The OCS greets everyone and reads out the cases one by one. My case is simple 2000 cash bail and i report on Monday. I pay at the desk the cop pretends to write a receipt and i’m cautioned niache kulewa sana na kutusi askari usiku. 3000 damage so far and i have a perfectly executed alibi. I get my keys of the car and we leave for home. Huko ni kuomba tu msamaha and get the lecture in the bedroom. Thank God the kids were taken to Church by their aunt. At 2pm, i’ve showered and barely asleep when the phone rings, Truecaller says OCS. I take the call and he call me over to the local. He asks to speak to first lady, i give her the phone and she is told niende kumaliza hii kitu nisitokee station on Monday. She agrees and i leave. Kufika huko i just see the funny stares on people faces. Getting inside the crew laughs, story imetembea, Chairman is there and the OCS. Hapo nyama na drinks as we laugh how RESCUE no. 7 was executed. At 4 pm i get text from slice that can we meet. Shetani wants to throw another curve ball at me. By 6pm i’m at home. That was too much action to risk and lucky escape to risk it again.

59 Likes

Why cheat? If your wife is not good enough to go home to or to sleep with then why put her through all that anguish si you just leave!!! Aaaargh!

3 Likes

Sharrup DEE.
For me Maze slice moja ain’t worth this hassle!
Hekaya iko sarama though

5 Likes

btw kuna hoteli hapo inaitwa shalom, very good grilled pork

1 Like

It is called alcohol. His intentions were good. Hekaya on point.

2 Likes

:eek:Wueh! Moto sana. :D:D:D:D

2 Likes

Wee tusizoeane.

1 Like

Hmm, Ati? Oooo he was fucking someone else with the sole intention of ascertaining if a new sex position he had heard about was safe to try with his wife?

1 Like

I bet he is very remorseful. We are dealing with a ‘makosa imefanyika’ scenario here. Alcohol is to blame.

6 Likes

Hi @spear!!

I hope everyone read the disclaimer before reading the hekaya.
https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/s480x480/11216585_10153448556703615_2915953608664773893_n.jpg?oh=49d70c018936e3bf7431c4c6e5fb6fc6&oe=58EF74BB

8 Likes

Nice hekaya, but all that effort and money to come with an excuse for a night out? Kwa nyumba yako? Kuna chapo zilikaliwa hapa

I’m sure behind the OCS’s smile and free money, if he were to be asked what he thinks of you and your friend you wouldn’t like it.

10 Likes

Sema FP,

Boss just read and enjoy. You are quick to judge and it’s a hekaya. Damn I must have written it too perfectly to blur the lines between hekaya and reality.

9 Likes

What if it was a woman telling this hekaya? Ungeskia jamaa ameadmitiwa ward juu ya kukuliwa Bibi. Don’t do shit to your wife if you wouldn’t like the same. I find that this forum glorifies cheating on women, but not the other way round. Tupeni mawe sasa…funda. Nikajua jamaa anacheza bibi halafu nikuwe najua bibi naweza hakikisha nimeongeza mileage kwa bibi yake

6 Likes

Sina mawe lakini iko swali, leo hujapata mwanaume wa kukununulia pombe? Juu jio ni hangover inaongea

6 Likes

Tusizoeane kijana…meffi ya kuku. Funda. Najinunulianga pombe juu mimi sio sufferer. Ukihama kwenyu maybe utajua bei ya pombe

3 Likes

Endeleeni kukula slices…tukipatana na mabibi zenyu msicatch mafeelings.:D:D:D:D:D

2 Likes

:D:D:D

Ata wewe umeanza hii tabia?.. Hehehe hii part Though…